Eva Jaber ‘28 (she/her) is a prospective English or international relations major. She is a member of the Cleftomaniacs a cappella group, an ESL tutor and hopes to encourage peace-minded advocacy on campus. Contact her at ehjaber@wm.edu.
The views expressed in this article are the author’s own.
We have two questions to answer today. The first is one that I’m normatively expected to answer, and the second is one that I feel morally obligated to answer. I will begin with the latter: who am I, and why am I not Adam Jutt? Well, I guess that’s more than one question, but let’s consider it a 2a and 2b situation.
2a) Who am I? The answer: not Adam Jutt.
2b) Why am I not Adam Jutt? Well, I feel like that’s a bit of an unfair question for me to have pretended that you asked me. If you believe in fate, maybe I was just never meant to be Adam. If you believe in free will, perhaps I could be Adam and just choose not to be. If you believe in other things, but not me, maybe I am just incapable of being Adam or even remotely like Adam (which is not nice of you to say; please take it back).
2littletoolate) Who is Adam Jutt? If you asked this question, shame on you. Go read the last nine issues.
Now that we cleared that up, let me paint you a picture. You, a student at the Alma Mater of the Nation, go to The Flat Hat’s Instagram story seeking advice. You are a regular reader of The Flat Hat (good on you), and you’ve been waiting for your moment to ask a question that Adam will write a witty and enlightening response to. Much to your surprise (and chagrin), however, some random lady picks up your question. And not only that! She’s also claiming divine right to ADAM’S column*** (see below for context; in the hypothetical scenario you read all the way through before passing judgement).
***In the Biblical story about the apple, BOTH Eve and Adam eat the fruit. So why can’t we BOTH share the food of knowledge with campus? Maybe you argue that my name is Eva, which is not accurate to the story and thus results in an insufficient analogy. How dare you. To that, I retort that the Bible never even says what type of fruit the forbidden fruit is. For all we know, this column could be just as accurate (but perhaps not as alliterative) if it was called Adam’s Nectarine, or Pomegranate or Strawberry available at Sadler when there are certain special events going on. If the fruit could be anything, maybe Eve was a nickname. Any objections? My point stands.
Back to the picture I was so vividly painting for you. Imagine you, a student seeking advice, are quite disappointed that it is not Adam answering your question. I implore you to reframe your mindset. Adam is in retirement for heaven’s sake. Did you expect him to do this forever without respite or reward? Hey, here’s an idea: maybe you should be happy for Adam, which leads me to the first question (the one that you asked, that I was arguably supposed to be answering this whole time).
The question this week is as follows:
“Adam, what’s a good morning routine?”
After spending so much time trying to justify my right to give you advice in Adam’s place, you might be surprised that I didn’t edit his name out of the question. I, dear reader, have journalistic integrity. Now, if you don’t mind, I’d like to focus my time and attention on answering this question.
The key to any great morning routine is to practice habits that set you up for success. For example, you only have so much brain power you can use in one day. In order to maximize productivity, you shouldn’t think a single original thought before your first class. How does one achieve this optimal state of mind? The answer is simple: watch “Shark Tank”. All morning. I have anticipated your objections to my professional recommendation, and I will now exhaust the rest of my energy proving you so very wrong.
1) Doesn’t TV rot your brain? Keeping with the theme of journalistic integrity, I’m going to list off a few very real statistics that I don’t need to cite because they’re not made up. While shorter videos negatively impact your attention span, watching informative long-form media (e.g. “Shark Tank”) actually makes you, like, 742% smarter. Also, according to someone who watched “Shark Tank” for a prolonged period of time, they now use words like perpetuity and proprietary 17 times more often. The friends they still have left think it makes them sound very cool.
2) Why “Shark Tank” specifically? We’re talking about maximizing productivity here. Shows like “Cocomelon” or “Grey’s Anatomy” might be distracting or entertaining, but they won’t teach you to structure royalty deals like Kevin, think about patents like Laurie or issue ultimatums like Mark. If you’re filling your brain with nonsense, you might as well fill it with financially literate nonsense.
3) Doesn’t the show glorify capitalism and preach American exceptionalism to an excessive, even propagandistic, degree? Sorry, out of words.
Consider this article my official apology to all you Adam loyalists out there. Perhaps, in time, you may learn to appreciate the value of diverse perspectives. Until then, maybe you can find some comfort in asking how to solve some of your life problems in that little box on The Flat Hat’s Instagram story. I dunno… seems like a pretty good idea to me.
