Dirty talk: turning up the volume
March 30, 2007
It’s finally spring! Warm spring weather probably puts you in the mood to … that’s right, play outside. Run around with a special friend or two, get some exercise, get your heart rate up, get a little sweaty, get dirty — there’s just something about getting a little dirty that makes you feel so alive. Luckily, you don’t have to be playing a game of muddy ultimate frisbee in the Sunken Garden to get dirty; you can do it in the privacy of your bedroom, too.
p. That’s right, you’re in the middle of a column about talking dirty. And don’t get uncomfortable just yet. The great thing about talking dirty is that, as ridiculous as it sounds on paper, in the heat of the right kind of moment, it can be a great turn-on. It’s not as intimidating as it seems, as long as you don’t force it. Great sex uses as many of your senses as possible — touch, taste, smell and now, using a little bit of special language, you can totally get turned on by your hearing, too. Hearing your partner and yourself say something kinky and out of the ordinary turns most people on, even if it feels a little weird at first. There are basically two different methods of using dirty talk in your sex life. Don’t worry — you don’t have to pick just one.
p. The first method is to talk about your fantasies — in rather explicit terms. They don’t need to be dirty in terms of profanity or raunchy euphemisms, but direct descriptions of your desires: “Ohhh … next I’m going to rip your panties off with my teeth and then …” Spend some time talking to your partner about your upcoming activities in the most vivid details you can handle. The anticipation, combined with the trill of hearing your partner enjoy describing something a little kinky will totally get you going. It’s best done in a breathy whisper, really close to their ear. It’ll get you both extra excited for the next act. You can describe fantasies, even if you don’t plan on acting them out. Just hearing your partner (or yourself) say things out loud that are kinky or slightly dirty is a turn-on for many people.
p. The second method is what I like to consider more “in the moment” dirty talk. Instead of your dialogue standing alone, as in method one, here you can just interject some kinky language into your sexual routine. It can be as simple as telling your partner how hard or wet they might feel. Tell them you’re in the mood to play a little rougher than usual perhaps. A simple, “Oh God, fuck me now” is enough to get most partners’ engines running in high gear. Start small if you’re uncomfortable — a word or phrase here and there — and see what feels right. If you find yourself or your partner enjoying the dirty conversation, kick it up a little bit more.
If words aren’t your thing and forming a coherent statement in the heat of the moment is a challenge for you, you can stick to moaning.
p. Moaning is very important. Everyone loves to hear that little gasp (or loud scream) of pleasure escape their lover’s lips. It gives you a confidence boost: You know that you’re doing something well, plus it’s exciting. Moans can be actual words — like “more” or “right there,” heavy breathing or that whole extra vocal voice you didn’t know you had and you can’t control. It helps to cue your partner into what you like, and what you really like. Unless you’re dating a mind reader, you’ll get better sex with more moaning.
p. If you are normally quiet during sex, try this little experiment. Make a little noise next time, be it “omigod” or “oohhhh” or whatever comes naturally to you. I bet that you’ll find yourself even more excited because of it, and your partner will love it. I’m not suggesting that you fake anything — faking encourages bad behavior by rewarding a less then stellar performance with misleading praise. (Although, I will admit, ladies, if he’s still trying and you’re getting bored and it’s just not going to happen, and really all you want is to go to bed, maybe a fake is acceptable. I mean, sometimes it has to be done. But, please, keep that to the exception, not the rule.) Keep in mind that there’s a difference between faking pleasure and trying to moan a little bit to vocalize the pleasure you’re enjoying. You’ll notice that once you start, it’s pretty addictive. Auditory stimulation is powerful stuff.
p. Talking about sex and talking during sex — from coy, teasing suggestion to blunt, kinky descriptions — can be a great way to get a little dirtier this spring. Just be careful to use the right conversations at the right times. Don’t launch into a long discussion pondering, “Why was that orgasm I just had so intense?” when you are still in a situation to have another one. Instead, just moan for more instead.
p. __Kate Prengaman is the Flat Hat sex columnist. She rarely finds herself at a loss for words.__