Give in to collegiate cliche
April 6, 2007
I’m a senior. Which means that more than 50 percent of my thoughts are currently occupied with a countdown: six weeks until graduation. Seriously, six weeks. The other seniors out there know what I’m talking about — it’s this amazing combination of the frantic realization that our college careers have completely flown by and the heavy weight of senioritis that just feeds our impatience for it all to be over. Mixed in is the urgent desire to make the most of our last few weeks of college. And — to make things worse — all of these feelings are existing simultaneously. So, underclassmen, if you notice that your senior friends are just a little bit incoherent these days, cut us some slack, and remember, it’ll be your turn in … um … about as long as it takes to read this column.
p. One of the biggest changes that we’re going to make moving on from the College and college life is moving on from the bubble that is collegiate sexuality. Honestly, we’ve been spoiled for four years, surrounded by plenty of other similar, available people in class, club activities, dorms, libraries and parties. Outside this bubble, you’re not supposed to date your co-workers or flirt on Facebook, and you can’t always trust some guy you meet at the bar and go home with him that night. Not that I’m trying to be a Negative Nancy or anything here, it’s just that we need to appreciate what we have here before it’s gone.
p. So, without further speculation of a dismal future of dating without the fear that if you hook up with some girl you might later have to sit next to in English (see, the real world won’t be all bad) here’s a list on the top five things you need to do before you graduate, sexually speaking of course. I don’t care if you take one last trip to The Peanut Shop. Unless …
p. #5. Do something collegiate cliche. This is your last chance to do something “So … college.” In high school, it was making out in movie theaters and hooking up in cars. Now? Get dressed up in your sluttiest outfit and take a few girlfriends out to a frat party. Facebook stalk every single one of her pictures and memorize her favorite movies before you get up the nerve to ask her out. Walk around campus holding hands on a sunny day. Booty call someone through AIM. Sure, we’ll judge you, but think how much more we’d judge you if you did it next year.
p. #4. Have sex in the middle of the day. We’ve got the advantage of flexible scheduling that you might not have again working 9 to 5. So, meet between classes for a little romantic rendezvous. While you’re at it, do it loud enough that the girls in the room next door have to bang on the walls. Might as well make the most of dorm living while you’re still here, right?
p. #3. Make a list. That’s right, make a list of all the people you’ve been attracted to during your time here that are also still here — people you’ve just never had the guts or ideal situation to do anything about. Don’t stress out, just make the list. Then, consider that, after a few weeks, you’ll probably never see any of the people on that list again. Don’t be sad, consider it an opportunity: instead of graduating with a bunch of what-ifs, there’s no reason not to give it a shot. If you start at the top and work your way down, there’s a pretty good chance that you’ll find the attraction reciprocated in at least one instance.
p. #2. Hit the campus hot spots. I’ve been told that there’s a sexual triathlon — places that need to be appreciated in a certain way. I’ve also heard a variety of places, so I don’t think there’s a consensus yet. The top of the list includes the Wren steps, somewhere in Swem (between the rolling stacks for the risk-takers out there) and the lecture table in Millington 150 (one source guaranteed that it was like an altar to sex). There’s a well-positioned mirror in the upstairs women’s bathroom in Blair and the greenhouse on top of Millington is pretty steamy already. Not to mention, not many people have the opportunity to have sex in a 300-year-old building or in the midst of a bustling colonial town — now’s your chance.
p. #1. Do one ridiculous thing that even your friends might have a hard time believing. Maybe you’ve never asked a guy out in your life — now’s your chance. Maybe you’ve never taken advantage of the chance to have some private fun in a shower in a public bathroom. Maybe you’ve never had a completely no-strings attached night of hot sex with more than one partner. Get people crossed off the list faster that way, right? Seriously, though, whatever it is that you’ve considered but never been brave enough to just go for — now’s your chance. No one’s going to be around to remember. You’ve got nothing to lose and everything to gain.
p. __Kate Prengaman is the Flat Hat sex columnist. She likes to complete everything on her list in a timely manner.__