Horoscopes (Sept. 14)

    0
    46

    Scorpio: Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

    Even though that girl continues to ignore your phone calls, e-mails, IMs and midnight serenading, just remember: Try, try again.

    Taurus: April 20 – May 20

    Just because the guy down the hall is pre-med doesn’t mean he’s qualified to remove your appendix or stich up the gash over your right eye.

    Sagittarius: Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

    The latest Anna Nicole Smith scandal? Shocking. The amount of reading you’ve ignored to watch “CSI” reruns? Not so much.

    Gemini: May 21- June 21

    You’ll be surprised when, after losing your ID, you discover dorm doors unlock when you say, “Open Sesame!”

    Capricorn: Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

    Monday, a hilarious misunderstanding will lead to you accidentally outing your roommate on national television.

    Cancer: June 22 – July 22

    The stars saw you laughing when your history reading mentioned the Hawley-Smoot Tariff. They think you should grow up.

    Aquarius: Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

    Frankly, it’s embarrassing that your favorite author is Ayn Rand. Come on. You’re in college now; put down “Atlas Shrugged.”

    Leo: July 23 – Aug. 22

    The voices in your head are right: The sorority is never going to give you a bid if your ensemble doesn’t match.

    Pisces: Feb. 19 – March 20

    The Student Health Center will be seeing an influx of students when the flashmob you’re organizing results in 48 concussions.

    Virgo: Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

    A living will is never a bad idea, but a regular will doesn’t matter if all you own is a “Wedding Crashers” DVD and a case of Natty.

    Aries: March 21 – April 19

    To answer the random question you’ve probably never asked before, yes, your professor’s carpets do match her drapes.

    Libra: Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

    The voices in your head are right: The sorority is never going to give you a bid if your ensemble doesn’t match.