Nichol is just a bad apple

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November 13, 2007

10:35 PM

People talk a lot of shit about College President Gene Nichol. In my humble opinion, that is a problem. It is a problem because no one has acted on their threats. Mr. Nichol is the single biggest threat facing our campus. It’s like global warming, AIDS and juvenile diabetes all got together and had a nefarious love-child, then decided to name that child Gene Nichol. This maelstrom of malevolence threatens the value of my diploma, and there is only one thing we can do about it. Let’s impeach the president.

p. Gene Nichol totally ruined my day last week. Okay so I was in the University Center grabbing a warm meal between creative writing class (English 368. You really must try it) and a film screening, and I did not have time to brush my teeth after eating.

p. So, I picked up an apple from one of those adorable fruit stands because apples clean your teeth when you eat them. I’m biting into the thing when suddenly, my whole body does a dry heave – the way it does whenever I eat Brussels sprouts (zing). That apple tasted like ass. Not just any kind of butthole, gross smelly butthole with poop. And Gene Nichol is totally to blame.

p. He is president, after all. Whenever something goes wrong in my day, I always blame him. Aside from that apple business, I got a B on my paper for film class. Let me tell you, I was pretty upset. So what if the paper was turned in a week late and written on moldy graphing paper? I figured that my professor, or “teach” as I like to call her, would appreciate how avant garde I was being.

p. The paper was on Shakespeare, and come on, everybody knows Shakespeare was way before his time, for real. Anyway, I got the paper back, and as soon as I saw that giant B, I knew Gene Nichol was to blame. I have been so upset lately about the devaluing of my diploma that I cannot focus.

p. The other night I almost didn’t go out to a party because I was still so upset about the Wren cross controversy. I mean, honestly, how could anyone be so mean? I loved that cross. I went to the Wren Chapel just to look at it because it was so pretty. I did not leave my room until the cross was returned to the chapel; I just wept and watched old episodes of “The Golden Girls.” During this dark time I largely subsisted on the stale Wheat Thins I found beneath my roommate’s bed and my two-pint tub of rocky road ice cream (Nothing beats that delicious combination of nuts, chocolate and marshmallows when you want to pig out.) Some angel finally pried that cross from Nichol’s demonic claws, and now I can leave my room. But I can’t move on. Gene Nichol is such a jerk.

p. Since I am a pretty normal guy, I feel that I speak for the entire campus population when I say “Hey, Gene Nichol, get out of here.” It should be pretty clear by now that he’s ruining all of our lives. He did not even go to school here, yet he give a second thought to being mean to alumni of the College. I mean, they went to college here, so they should choose what goes on here. If alumni aren’t happy, then I am not happy. Plus, most alumni are really cool and hip dudes. Sometimes they bring a whole cooler full of beer and tailgate for hours before football games. Two weeks ago I saw 12 grown-ups playing kings in the William and Mary Hall parking lot. I mean CO-OL. It’s like they never left college. I’ll bet instead of tailgating, Gene Nichol was sacrificing kittens to his pagan god.

p. We have to act now. Because, frankly, I trust Gene Nichol about as far as I can throw him (zing). Sure, that whole Wren cross controversy has passed, but now it looks like he might have lied about money (that’s no good bro). What we need is a new president, someone with some integrity, some brains and a diploma from the College. Now I am not much of a nerd, but I hear that science has really taken off lately. I did some research of my own, and evidently we could use science to bring back Thomas Jefferson. All we need is the blood of a mosquito that bit him. Did Mr. Jefferson own any amber? I have a feeling he must have; I mean, amber is just so pretty, right?

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