Behind Closed Doors: A sexy spin on kitchen recipes

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April 13, 2010

2:18 AM

I think it is safe to say that sex and food are two main ingredients to the American way of life. Sex is prevalent in many sitcoms on television, and writers in Hollywood seem to think that if there is no sex, no one will watch. Similarly, R-rated movies often have pornographic scenes added to the plot. For example, in a popular comedy titled for its racy content, “Sex and the City,” one scene involved a ménage taking place without any censorship, including a close-up shot of a man’s penis — which I am positive made many vaginas happy, including mine.

On account of its prominent place in American pop culture, we can conclude that Americans love sex. Food is another favorite American pastime. With our gluttonous commercials, Food Network and awesome cake shows, the time and money put into the food industry is astronomical. Why not put exactly what we want together and make food and sex the dynamic duo?

A friend of mine was talking to me about her experiences, and she said, “I wish giving head was like eating a vanilla fudge drumstick.” Well, why can’t it be? Real ice cream covered in chocolate syrup with a cone on top of his penis will taste just like any old-fashioned drumstick. The warmth of your mouth and the coldness of the ice cream would send a shock to all of his senses, changing what some consider a chore into a delectable treat. However, if your male partner is not a fan of the cold sensations, I can offer a few substitutes. In place of ice cream, try yogurt or vanilla pudding. If you want to get fancy with the yogurt, top it with some granola. Don’t choke — although I am sure your gag reflexes are trained by now. When you have leisure time, try this food-sex mixture, and I am sure it will make even a boring blowjob a delectable dessert.

Now it’s time to get even more creative. Choose you and your partner’s favorite recipe and switch it up just a little. Take an easy recipe like spaghetti and see what you can do with it. Let’s try combining our edible pleasures with our more sexual ones. Our simple recipe goes like this:

Spaghetti and Meatballs: In large bowl, combine ground beef, bread crumbs and egg; mix lightly but thoroughly. Shape mixture into 12 meatballs. Spray large nonstick skillet with cooking spray. Brown meatballs eight minutes, or until no longer pink, turning occasionally. Add spaghetti sauce. Bring to a boil; reduce heat to medium-low. Cover and cook 10 minutes, stir occasionally. Serve meatballs and sauce over cooked pasta.

Now let’s revise the above recipe use different vocabulary.

Italian Foreplay with Spaghetti Legs and Meat Balls: In a large bed, or an extra long, twin-sized bed, combine balls that are as smooth as eggs, clitoris ready and wet, breasts with hard nipples and salivating mouth, mixing ingredients thoroughly and evenly. Shape bodies into reverse cowgirl position, and make sure the balls are secure upon the woman’s buttocks. Involuntarily, the two of you will spray the bed, making silk sheets slippery and hard to grasp. Bodies may end up on the floor, but you can rinse later after you lay them out to cool. Thrust wildly for six to eight minutes, or until clit and balls are fully aroused. Add spaghetti sauce to various body parts. Bring to heightened peak before explosion. Reduce speed to feel every inch of the mixture while in motion. Cover his body with your body, immersed in all the sexual steam, for 10 minutes, occasionally moaning.

Some like boobs, some like butts, some like feet — as long as there are pedicures involved — but the quickest way to anyone’s heart is through his or her stomach. I am sure you can get even more imaginative and artistic with your own favorite recipe. It is fun and thought provoking, stirring those creative juices along with those genital ones.

_Adreanne Stephenson is the Flat Hat sex columnist. She likes to experiment in the kitchen with different flavors, especially those that add a little kick in the bedroom._

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