In The Trenches: Get Kinky On A Budget


Despite all the things one can say or theorize about sex, one fact remains. Sex is awesome. Its one of those rare human pleasures that stems from the simple fact that we are alive. Eating, defecating, and screwing are just naturally pleasant. , However, just because these pleasures are natural doesn’t mean they cannot be enhanced. The invention of the microwave for example increased the pleasure of eating. The same principle applies for sex. Certain costumes and novelty items have the potential to greatly increase the pleasure of the naked tango. Unfortunately, most of these items are expensive, and college students burn their extra cash on pizza and booze. But don’t worry! I’m here to help, so without further ado, here is a list of a couple sexy low budget ideas.

1. Costume: Burglar
Sexiness: 7
Difficulty: 2
Danger of being arrested: 5
Do you ever fantasize about having a stranger with shady morals and a great ass breaking into your dorm or apartment? Perhaps you catch them attempting to steal your valuables red handed and you scream “Don’t take the lamp, take me instead!” Well, in reality this situation would be terrifying and sex would probably not be your first response. However, in the world of sexual roll play anything your partner agrees with is good to go. All you need to complete this scenario is some dark clothing, a spare key, and very understanding roommates.

Sexiness: 2
Difficulty: ½
Danger of being arrested: 0
If you’ve walked into a Borders book store in the past few months you’ve most likely seen the new “Paranormal Teen Romance” section. Its common sense really. If people are sexy, the paranormal are parasexy. When it comes to making a naughty costume from the netherworld the most obvious choice is to make a vampire outfit. But vampire costumes require a lot of expensive skin makeup, fake blood, capes, and about two bottles of hair gel. A much simpler idea is a white linen sheet with three holes cut in. (two to see, one for the P) Hell, if making out with a ghost is sexy enough for Hillary Duff to write a novel titled “Elixir” about it, its sexy enough to reenact in your bedroom. Just make sure you steer clear from any confused Williamsburg tourists on ghost hunts.

Tommy Weaisu
Sexiness: 10
Difficulty 7.5
Danger of being arrested:3
If you’ve ever seen the movie, “The Room” you know just how hot this idea is. If not, get off your computer, go find a copy, watch it immediately and stop wasting your life. Make love to your partner while you watch it, it will enhance the experience I guarantee you. If you are familiar with the movie, chances are you probably find yourself irresistibly and irrationally attracted to Tommy Weasiu. Well, his look can be replicated all you need is some liquid latex and paper mache. Use the latex as a base, so that the paper mache doesn’t irritate your partner’s skin. Play with the shape and design of the paper mache to get the exact level of awkward butt lumps that make Tommy Weasiu’s body so…different.

Sexiness: 8
Difficulty: 3
Danger of being arrested: 4
Go up to your partner. Tell them to ask you who you are. When they do, lie.

Sexiness 2
Difficulty: 10
Danger of being arrested: 100% certain. This breaks several laws and the police are not generally as open minded as I am.
I do not judge any sexual idiosyncrasy. As long as no one is harmed, everyone’s of age and everyone involved is having a good time, sex can work anyway you want it to. Bestiality falls into the realm of things I find strange, but feel I should write about anyway. So if you’ve ever wanted to have sex with a unicorn, if you’ve ever spent entire nights tossing and turning thinking of sex rainbows and phallic headgear, I have a solution. Go into Colonial Williamsburg, and take a sheep. Make a cone out of construction paper and tape it to the sheep’s head. Boom: Unicorn. Disclaimer: don’t use hot glue as then the sheep will be very angry and probably not want to have sex with you anymore.