Behind Closed Doors: The greatest de-stressor lies in the bedroom


    Finals are just around the corner, and we all know what that means: stress. Look out for the “de-stress events” that various campus organizations will put on in the next few weeks because you know they’re coming: free de-stress kits, coloring sessions and Pet-A-Puppy day. Surprisingly, clubs at the College of William and Mary have yet to profit from a scientifically proven stress reliever — sex. Imagine the ad in Student Happenings. “Brand new orgy club! Meeting Tuesday before finals to de-stress! Come out and be an exciting part of the most fun way to de-stress! Leadership positions available! Don’t forget your handcuffs!”

    Seriously, the weeks leading up to finals can feel like time spent in a pressure cooker, where it seems like only a matter of time before you — and everyone around you — start popping like popcorn. If you can grab a study buddy to act as an interactive model for that anatomy class you eventually plan to take (here’s looking at you, pre-meds), then you should absolutely take advantage of the opportunity — for everyone’s sake.

    But what happens when the pressure is turned up too high? What if you’re in the situation, and you thought you had everything under control, and all of a sudden something isn’t going as you had planned? She’s not wet, or you’re not hard, or things ended too quickly, or they won’t start at all? When studying chemistry seems like a better alternative to having real life chemistry, the situation needs to be re-evaluated. The best suggestion I have is to take a deep breath, slow things down a little bit, and go in for a long sexy kiss.

    The kiss can work to divert the awkwardness, slow down the pace, get everything back on the right track, and get the essential juices flowing — all at the same time.

    When you’re in one of those nightmarish situations where you can’t get it up or — even worse — you can’t seem to keep it up, repair the situation with the sexy kiss. Make sure your partner feels and try not to freak out. The stress of finals is just that — stressful. And stress has impacts on our bodies we don’t recognize, or sometimes refuse to recognize until our body ties us to a chair and orchestrates an intervention. Think about your state of affairs beyond the two obvious reactions: “OMG, is it broken?!” and “#Notwinning.” Are you exhausted? Are you turned off? Is some other life issue really bothering you? If any of these things are true, it might be time to turn in the condom, at least for a while. Take the condom off, take the pressure off, and get a different kind of de-stress in: Take some time out for cuddling and TLC with your partner. Being told that your partner is having an off night can be a rather awkward experience, but it’s a lot less awkward than trying to stimulate an unresponsive partner for over 45 minutes.

    Stress-caused sexual problems do not, of course, solely apply to men. Sometimes the ladies are faced with issues as well, but don’t worry, there are solutions. Here’s what to do when she’s not wet: Slow everything down. Stop fingering her like she’s a mouse button, and you’re trying to win an internet flash game. Be more reserved, touch her more softly, kiss her with more restraint. Kiss her mouth and her neck and her nipples and that place right below her belly button. If that doesn’t work, oral sex is pretty foolproof — unless you’re trying to fit in a de-stress session between study sessions, and you’re short on time. In that case, lube is the best friend you’ve ever had. Make sure the lube is water based (oil based lubes will eat through condoms) and apply liberally. Think about how much fun Slip ’N Slides are. Lubed vaginas are kind of like that, except better.

    So, you’re wound more tightly than you realized and you come more quickly than you would have liked. There’s good news. Vaginal and anal sex are not the only ways to pleasure your partner. Find another way to give him or her the stress relief they are looking for. Maybe a sexy massage is in order? Oral sex? A furious shower makeout session? Take the time to rest up, champ, and maybe you’ll be ready for round two sooner than you think.

    Undoubtedly, sexual situations that don’t go as planned can be awkward. Figuring out what you want and what you need can go a long way. It might just be a matter of changing positions or locations. Having a cramp in your leg from putting it behind your head can easily mess with your mojo and maybe your partner’s cat really is watching you while you have sex. It’s important to know when to call it quits, especially if your de-stressing process is causing you or your partner more stress. So keep calm and get it on, even through finals.

    __Krystyna Holland is a Behind Closed Doors columnist and will be starting an orgy club for the upcoming finals season. Contact her at