Is it really this time of the year again? As the ever-better-looking freshmen (good work, class of 20-whatever-you-are) burst through the flood gates like an intimidated river, lanyards at the ready, the familiar sensory experiences of a new year come rushing back. The smell and taste of stale beer wafts from the units like a siren’s vomit. Che Guevara posters fly off the tables at the poster sale like the last drops of a precious vaccine to soothe the feverish hipster. Lines form outside of professors’ offices as TWAMPS offer their firstborns in exchange for overrides. And while each shiny new year teases us with the promise of novelty and opportunity, I still feel comfortable making a few predictions about the coming year here at the College of William and Mary.
First, Tribe Square will suck. I said what we’re all thinking. A line of eager students will form outside the Pita Pit for one week following its opening before it turns into a ghost town when those same students realize that it, too, closes for the night at 5 p.m. Somewhere, the managers of Chanellos and Dominos are laughing.
The residents of Tribe Square will regret signing their leases when the roaring din of Wawa immediately next door inevitably becomes unbearable. This, too, probably will take place within the first week. But hey, I’m sure the increase in tuition more than makes up for the construction cost to the College, right?
Secondly, all concerts will have record-breaking attendance. For the first 15 minutes. By the time the band leaves the stage, they will be the only ones left. White people will realize that contrary to their belief, Big Sean is not the hottest comedian out of Ireland, and will leave the venue in droves, deceived and indignant. Its beautiful amphitheatre empty, Lake Matoaka will resume its usual use: the most popular place to smoke weed on campus. I’m looking at you, freshmen.
Additionally, the College will continue to push the importance of studying abroad. This will become increasingly difficult, however, as western civilization continues its downward slide into utter anarchy. Our partnerships with universities all over the world will dissolve along with their governments, and for the first year ever, our “Gabbin’ with Gadhafi” program in Libya will have no applicants. To fill this void, the College will offer an exchange program with Christopher Newport University. College President Taylor Reveley will resign out of shame.
Speaking of Reveley, he will continue to be the tremendous boss he always has been. Mundane speeches about synergy and cost-cutting will become thrilling drinking games as students wait with bated breath for words like “succulent,” “epicurean” and “dangle.”
He will also fix the debt ceiling and choke-slam every last member of Congress, who will form a polite single-file line as they allow him to do so.
Inundated with water, Williamsburg will look more like a swamp from October to December, while Mother Nature laughs wickedly at your feeble attempts to trek to Astronomy. She cares not whether your TA sucks, silly freshman. Mother Nature is a fickle mistress, and will bookend two days of torrential flooding with two days of 100-degree oppression. The sooner you resign yourself to this, the better you’ll be.
And finally, Tribe football will spank the University of Virginia, again.
So there you have it, my fellow members of the Tribe. While I will be studying at the Sorbonne in Paris this semester and will be unable to check the accuracy of my predictions this fall, I will continue to write this column every other week and genuinely hope you’ll keep up with my adventures in the land of wine and cheese.
Have a wonderful semester, and remember: Life is great. College is better.
__Jason Rogers is a Confusion Corner columnist and will miss Reveley’s dulcet tones this semester.__