Dear James Madison University and weekend visitors,
We, the second-oldest college in the United States, would like to welcome you to our colonial campus. First of all, we’d like to advise you against running around our campus; if you trip on the bricks and twist your ankle, we wouldn’t have as many of you in attendance to humiliate Saturday. Also, please remember that purple doesn’t actually match anything, so don’t wear it. As for JMU alumni—you’ve already graduated, so tailgate as much as you’d like, but unless you learn a Tribe cheer, you’re not very welcome here. Last but not least, the delis tend to have a guest list, so stay away (unless you’d like to buy us congratulatory post game drinks).
To the JMU fans, please remember your place — we clearly have more fun than you, and we’d like to keep it that way. For example, we can tell you stories of Last Day of Classes celebrations, Campus Golf traditions, philanthropic events and K’naan concerts, but we’re sort of exclusive here, so you’d never actually be invited. Also, we live an hour away from the Atlantic Ocean while you’re surrounded by mountains — some people clearly did not research the actual location of JMU that well before applying.
In terms of the actual JMU football team, prepare to get your ass kicked. Also, when you start to lose, make a point to remember that our football players could probably kick your ass while proving Einstein’s quantum theories or reciting Thomas Jefferson’s essays. And has anyone mentioned to you that a bulldog is a terrible mascot? Our griffin, pantless or not, will send you back to the doghouse any day. Lastly, your dignity is important to us, so when you do lose it, make sure it comes with a gift basket of frozen yogurt — we’re into that here.
For our own returning alumni, welcome back, dearest and ever-successful friends. Due to a recent slew of natural disasters, we have lost an entire tree by the Sir Christopher Wren Building, so we apologize if the campus looks slightly different than it did in 1850. With that in mind, help yourself to as much 2 a.m. Wawa as you’d like — we’d advise Einstein’s Bagels as well, but that business has yet to realize that most college students only start eating after 10 p.m. For the returning fraternity members, just follow the Natty Light beer can trails to your respective houses. For recently sorority graduates, first go to your sorority house for desserts, and then follow aforementioned beer-can trail for reunion with others. (Oh, and drop by the Alumni House on the way there, I’ve seen some high quality water bottles given out before).
As for the wonderful parents in attendance for Parent’s Weekend? Well, we’d like to caution you. For example, take care not to call your son or daughter after 10 p.m. unless they’re already with you — you may find out about a lifestyle of which you’d like to remain ignorant of. Also, unless you want to see a fair number of your daughter’s friends shamelessly walking back in the previous night’s clothes, get breakfast at your hotel Saturday morning. In fact, just avoid leaving the premises from 9 p.m. to 9 a.m. each day. In addition, I hear that the Peanut Shop, the Blue Talon Bistro, the Cheese Shop and Barnes and Noble Booksellers rely on your return, so visit each store in Colonial Williamsburg and simply watch how much they bawn over you. Parent’s Weekend for them can be best described as pure gold. Oh, and take care not to park anywhere within a 10 mile radius of campus; Parking Services thinks of you as pure gold as well.
However, in the end, no matter where you come from, just remember that if you’re trying to fit in, throw on a t-shirt from the Campus Shop, put on some oversized glasses, possibly invest in a scooter, carry around a dictionary to each location, and cheer your heart out this Saturday while eating some delicious tailgate food — it’s gonna be a good weekend y’all.
__Dasha Godunova is a Confusion Corner columnist. She recently discovered that she does own a purple item of clothing, and it will find its way to the dumpster by tomorrow.__