Behind Closed Doors: Alcohol leads to sultry, saucy and sloppy hook ups

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October 31, 2011

11:50 PM

Many students admit they have never had sober sex in their entire collegiate career. Simply put, the proud, studious kids of the College of William and Mary kids finally come out to play when inebriated. Some drunken hookups can rock your world, while other drunken hookups beg the question, “What the hell was I thinking?”
Research shows that a glass of wine loosens you up and helps increase sex drive, which explains why you feel warm and fuzzy when you are wine-drunk. That tingly feeling means the alcohol has numbed your sexual organs, which allows you to last longer in bed.

If wine isn’t your thing, order a sexually explicit drink so your potential pooty tang can see that you mean business. Rediscover your tropical flavor by indulging in a traditional Sex on the Beach. Reveal your inner firecrotch by ordering a Redheaded Slut, with Jagermeister, peach-flavored schnapps and cranberry juice. If you can’t stomach the Redheaded Slut, add some Coke and transform your drink into a Lindsay Lohan. Test out the waters with a Blowjob Shot —this shooter mixes Baileys and Kahlua, topped with whipped cream. But be warned — you must prove yourself by consuming the shooter with your mouth only.

If you go overboard on the drinks, you’ll certainly learn the true meaning of whiskey dick. Alcohol inhibits testosterone in males. Too much alcohol will prevent testosterone from traveling to the genitals altogether. As hard as you try, you’ll find getting hard nearly impossible. Alcohol also numbs the body from the sensation of touch. So sooner or later, you’ll have to throw in the towel when you realize your partner was actually fingering your belly button the whole time.

Coating your insides with some liquid courage gives you that gentle push to try something you’ve never done before. Alcohol lowers your inhibitions. Maybe you’ll even take on a new, naughty persona. And after a constant week of hell in Swem, you deserve to let your hair down and have some fun.

But, before you delve into drunken hookups, draw the line between loosey goosey and a lack of judgment. Beer goggles are the number one reason why your booty call hasn’t returned your calls yet. People often regret the night before because alcohol inhibits your ability to, dare I say it, make a Tribe choice. If you’re not comfortable with the idea of waking up in a strange place next to a strange person, then keep your limits in mind before you put on your party hat.

Nothing ruins the night more than vomit. Sex involves lying down horizontally on a bed or gyrating your body up and down and all around. Your digestive system will not be happy with you. Your partner will surely pretend to have fallen asleep when you return to bed with bloodshot eyes and chunks on your chin. Talk about a bona fide buzz kill. Consuming alcohol past your limit will inevitably lose you a love-making session and yesterday’s lunch.

In moderation, alcohol can be the friend who helps you introduce yourself to the other table. In excess, alcohol can be the friend who can’t help you out because you are too busy dancing on that table. And once you’ve had too many drinks, you’ve unfortunately reached the point of no return. You’ll simply have to ride out your night in fashion, be it without orgasm or praying to the porcelain god.

And, above all else, follow your own heart, loins and liver. We’re all big boys and girls here. Make decisions based off your own desires, your own body. Figure out your limits, don’t worry about what — or who — everyone else is doing or not doing. I send you off with the best wishes to be happy, healthy and horny.

__The Flat Hat does not endorse any underage drinking.__

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