In my house growing up, you were pretty free to express yourself. All feelings were valid, and you could use any combination of words to express those feelings, so long as they followed two rules: Don’t say dirty words in front of your two younger sisters, and don’t ever drop the F-bomb. My mom listened to me string together lines of four-letter words so long I should have worn an “explicit” label. When those words didn’t do me justice, I got creative. Playing basketball with the neighborhood boys gave me an extensive vocabulary of insults, and cum-guzzler, twinkle-tits and skeetbucket were a few of my favorites. In spite of the fact that I don’t think I heard my mom use a four-letter word until I was sixteen, she took my potty mouth extraordinarily well, so long as I followed the rules.
Unfortunately, the no F-word rule was really irritating, as it is arguably the most versatile four-letter word in the English language. When questioned why, my mom told me that it was derived from the acronym “fornication under consent of the king.” I did some research into the validity of these claims, and as it turns out, it’s an urban legend. Even still, to this day, I can’t associate that word with any kind of intimate relationship between two consenting adults. Hearing that word openly used as a synonym for sex is grating to me and always has negative connotations. So you can imagine that if I want someone to talk dirty to me, the F-word holds no allure.
If you’re talking dirty to your partner and he or she isn’t responding, it may be a similar circumstance. It may not be that the graphic details are making him or her uncomfortable; your partner may love hearing about what you want to stick in his or her hot, wet you-know-where, but it may be the language that you’re using. The easiest way to figure out why your partner isn’t responding to is to ask your partner.
Other sex “norms” I don’t understand: Why is it that when I want to have hot steamy sex, I have to be naughty or kinky? My same mother who taught me not to use the F-word in intimate circumstances taught me that rules were meant to be followed — and it’s her annoying voice I hear in my head when I don’t abide. For example, one time in my junior year of high school, I ordered a water cup at Chipotle for free but put lemonade in it instead. Everyone knows that restaurants make an insane profit on drinks, and I was so pleased with my ingenuity that at dinner, that I accidently let slip what I had done. My mother was appalled. She gave me a lecture that made me feel like I had stolen money from orphans, and the very next day, I went to Chipotle, ordered nothing but a drink, and left $1.55 as a tip for good measure. It’s this kind of crap that my super ego puts me through even when my mother isn’t around — and my conscience gives a damn good lecture. So tell me, why in the world in my off time would I want to be a bad girl, a naughty girl, a dirty girl? No thank you.
If your partner wants to tickle you with feathers and rub you with silk and wear edible underwear, why is naughty the default world to describe him or her? Creative has much better connotations, or if you’re feeling really impressed, try ingenious. Is the way your partner moves a work of art? Is he or she a Picasso of the bedroom? Does he or she make your heart pound like a drum; do you hear music in your ears when you’re pushed up against him or her on the dorm room floor? Is he or she your Mozart? Does he or she make you feel so open, so raw, that you want to just share your secrets with the entire world, like your own personal Julian Assange? … oh, awkward.
And maybe your partner actually enjoys being very, very naughty, leather riding crop and all. In which case, get on with your bad selves. It’s just as big a disservice to make someone your angel who’d rather be your devil as it is to put someone in handcuffs who would rather be in silk sheets. Next time you’re getting down, consider the idea that bad sex isn’t the only kind of “good” sex. “Good” can be sexy too.
Krystyna Holland is a Behind Closed Doors columnist and encourages everyone to channel their inner Mozart.