While now I think of Thanksgiving as the holiday that acts as a reminder to start Christmas shopping, by googling Thanksgiving jokes I was reminded that the holiday does have some of its own merits.
For example, with the last football home game behind us, our flex points — I mean dining dollars — quickly running out and exams right around the corner, eating food to celebrate the pilgrims’ starvation serves as a great study break.
Consequently, Thanksgiving also provides us with all of the lean protein and dessert we need to bulk up for vigilant exercise routine we will be beginning in the first five days of January, and which we will promptly quit during that same month when our New Year’s resolution to make use of fitness passes.
However, as I sit here contemplating what stylish yet expandable clothing I will choose to wear to my own personal Thanksgiving feast, I now remember this is also the time to start reflecting on the things I am thankful for this year. So go ahead, read on, reflect, laugh (hopefully), and be thankful that you are not me!
1) I am thankful that it’s colder, because I now have the perfect excuse to skip any class that requires more than a 10-minute walk.
2) I am thankful that I have managed to spend, rather than save money this year. If my bank account was currently full, I would be burdened with decisions on how best to invest or to spend my money during this break. A negative balance makes Christmas shopping that much easier.
3) I am thankful that I am graduating soon, because all incoming students at the College will have to have a meal plan if they are living on campus. With such numbers, the ice cream waiting line will significantly increase, while Sadler’s stock of goldfish will be seriously depleted — all problems I will never personally have to face.
4) I am thankful that I am not a vegetarian, because no matter how many articles and movies about animal slaughter I come across, Chick-Fil-A chicken tenders have never looked better.
5) I am thankful that Santa Claus has now safely been stationed at Yankee Candle (Nov 12th was the premiere night). He will now spend the rest of December taking pictures with kids on his knee rather than risking his life delivering gifts through chimneys and apartment space heaters.
6) I am thankful that I’m older, because it means I’m that much closer to being taken seriously at the ABC store.
7) I am thankful that I have bought a fish tank but so far failed to buy a fish. Somewhere out there in the world, there is a miniature version of Nemo now able to have a much fuller and longer life in the Petsmart aquariums.
8) I am thankful that I have completely embraced my lack of motivation and my new love of Netflix rather than condemning these new interests as reflections of my laziness.
9) Most importantly, I am thankful that next week, I will be able to ignore all of the worries and responsibilities caused by real life and spend a few glorious days pretending that I have absolutely nothing better to do than to watch “Harry Potter” and “Lord of the Rings.”
Dasha Godunova is a Confusion Corner columnist, and she just remembered that she needs to finish that last episode of “Kitchen Nightmares” before she can continue procrastinating on that paper she has.
