If you’re reading this, you are almost definitely part of some sort of GroupMe message, whether it is between your friends, your freshman hall, your sorority or whatever else — and I am sorry for you. If you’re not part of one, congratulations, you’ve won college. Never change, keep yourself safe. This may seem dramatic, but there is a high chance that most people know exactly where I’m coming from. Because, for some reason, at the College of William and Mary, emails and group texts are no longer relevant, and GroupMe is basically the Promised Land.
If you are part of any GroupMe, you are probably accustomed to the constant barrage of notifications from whatever group you’re a part of. You’re also most likely familiar with that random message from a Sarah or an Elizabeth asking a question that is clearly addressed in a former conversation maybe five to six messages up in the chat. I’m usually a patient person, but seriously, Sarah/Elizabeth, get yourself together and scroll up, so help me God. There’s also that one kid that thinks it’s cute and funny to text bomb the chat with seven messages that could have easily been combined into one concise paragraph. Please stop; your name showing up in my notifications once is enough, we get it. Then there’s that kid that tries to be the comedic relief and sends memes of President Reveley or Terry Tarpey gifs. Yes, I love Terry Tarpey as much as the next girl (maybe even more so), but you can calm down, please.
And let’s talk about the victimization that happens in these GroupMes. If a day goes by without some sort of roast happening in our “squad” chat, it’s a miracle parallel to that of Jonah escaping the belly of the whale. I’m going to be honest — this might be more of a personal issue, given that our “squad” chat’s picture is a very unflattering Christmas photo of me with the caption “I’m a HoHoHo,” and I really do feel personally attacked by that. But I know I am not alone in this plight, so if you are also a victim reading this article, just know that I stand with you.
It is a known fact that GroupMes get completely out of control almost all of the time. There are those who are bold enough to mute the conversations, but they are aware that they are putting themselves at risk of being “flamed” by the rest of their “squad.” And occasionally, there are the reckless and stupid who choose to leave the group entirely in a final blaze of glory. Those people are the ones to watch out for, because while GroupMes are one of the most annoying and frustrating aspects of college, they are a necessary evil, and when you upset the natural balance, you risk collapsing the entire system. So, Sarah/Elizabeth, if you get pissed because I call you out for being ignorant, you suck it up and stay in that GroupMe, because while we both have our different reasons for wanting to leave, we are in this together, and there is no backing out now.
Email Lexi Godfrey at firstname.lastname@example.org