Horoscopes (Feb. 16)

    Scorpio: Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

    After Grandma Winifred wrecks you at beer pong this week, you’ll get revenge when she wakes up next to the toilet after your keg stand skills proved superior.

    Taurus: April 20 – May 20

    The grapefruit that took out your eye this morning will never see it coming when you stick a spoon in its side and put it in a blender with bathtub gin.

    Sagittarius: Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

    After you miss your afternoon class due to your excessive drinking, you will petition Alcoholics Anonymous to hold its meetings later in the evening.

    Gemini: May 21- June 21

    You will wake up happy to be alive after you find that the nice girl you met at the Rec stole one of your kidneys while you slept.

    Capricorn: Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

    In defiance of Parking Services, you will refuse to pay your 12 parking tickets. You will then go to jail for removing a boot that has been placed on your tire.

    Cancer: June 22 – July 22

    After surviving a bitter Valentine’s Day, you will realize that being in a long term relationship with Anna Nicole Smith just isn’t working out.

    Aquarius: Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

    Your newly acquired cigarette addiction has you interested in foreign films, berets and halitosis. It also has that girl next to you clamping her nose. Bummer.

    Leo: July 23 – Aug. 22

    While telling your roommate about your infidelities is acceptable, accidentally telling your girlfriend via text message is not always the best move.

    Pisces: Feb. 19 – March 20

    After breaking your X-Box controller over a controversial game of Halo, you will be forced to actually do something constructive this week.

    Virgo: Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

    Speaking of girlfriends, if yours turns into an orangutan and starts climbing all over you this week, don’t worry — at least they’re limber.

    Aries: March 21 – April 19

    People have never respected your spontaneous and volatile side, and never will, even when you stab a guy this week with a knife from the Caf.

    Libra: Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

    You will learn this week that your buddy plans to rob 10 dorms this week. Luckily for him, the entire campus is focused on the important stuff: the Wren cross.


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