Horoscopes (April 6)

Scorpio: Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

The party train will hit you face-first this week, and the only way to stop it is to have Steven Seagal throw everyone else off of it. Good luck.

Taurus: April 20 – May 20

Buying lavishly expensive clothing and dorm room extras will never make you feel better about your troubles, but at least it’s on your mom’s credit card.

Sagittarius: Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

Your enthusiasm toward everyday activities enriches the atmosphere and attracts many people toward you. It’s either that or your money-scented cologne.

Gemini: May 21- June 21

Grow up. You finally realize that you need to get serious about life and stop acting like an asshole all the time. A really, really big asshole.

Capricorn: Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

After finding the person you will spend the rest of your life with, a friend will inform you this week that Alf is not a person, or anything for that matter.

Cancer: June 22 – July 22

After an exhausting week in class, you’re weekend looks to be full of surprises — one being you will probably just study all weekend.

Aquarius: Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

You have put off dealing with old habits for too long, and your unhealthy addiction to the Oprah Winfrey show will hit you like a ton of bricks of this week.

Leo: July 23 – Aug. 22

No one will believe you when you blame all of your problems on the rain, until the rain bitch slaps your Uncle Jim this week.

Pisces: Feb. 19 – March 20

Although you will feel pretty sad this week, trust the stars when we say something good will happen in the very near future … probably.

Virgo: Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

Decisions are hard to make in the evening, especially when it’s between watching reruns of “Seinfeld” and “The Simpsons” everyday.

Aries: March 21 – April 19

It seems all that exercising, eating incredibly healthy food and reading profusely will finally catch up to you this week. Oh, we forgot the heroine addiction.

Libra: Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

Here’s a free lesson. Try to get some sleep this week, as energy during the day can only be maintained with good rest and 12 Red Bulls.

Related News

Subscribe to the Flat Hat News Briefing!

* indicates required