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Scorpio: Oct. 23 – Nov. 21If you think the recent state budget cut is detrimental to your education, fear not. You go to school in Virginia anyway. |
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Taurus: April 20 – May 20It’s great that you drafted Rex Grossman as your fantasy football quarterback. Too bad interceptions and negative quarterback ratings aren’t statistics. |
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Sagittarius: Nov. 22 – Dec. 21We know that break-ups can be frustrating, but rock-starring your ex-girlfriend’s room is taking it a little too far. |
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Gemini: May 21- June 21Contrary to popular belief, those sounds you hear aren’t coming from the “Mean Girls” convention — it’s just sorority rush. |
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Capricorn: Dec. 22 – Jan. 19Good news this week! The Student Health Center is starting a new suicide hotline just for all you die hard Redskins fans. |
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Cancer: June 22 – July 22Listen to your RAs and the Student Affairs office: One drink per hour is a great way to accomplish absolutely nothing. |
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Aquarius: Jan. 20 – Feb. 18Reading The Flat Hat’s sex column aloud to your girlfriend is a great relationship builder. The random girl at the party might get kind of scared. |
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Leo: July 23 – Aug. 22Seriously, stop reading these stupid horoscopes and go to class. Your professor is concerned about your whereabouts. |
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Pisces: Feb. 19 – March 20Your history class has taught you that the Gestapo and SS have been disbanded, but Campus Police begs to differ. |
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Virgo: Aug. 23 – Sept. 22You may find that your roommate becomes upset with you this week — not because you sexile him, but because you urinate on everything in sight. |
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Aries: March 21 – April 19Speaking of the SS, now that every fraternity has been busted, your badminton club should consider going underground. |
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Libra: Sept. 23 – Oct. 22Your three-hour human drawing class seemed pretty cool, until your boyfriend signed up as a nude model for the art department. |
