p. Aquarius: Jan. 20 – Feb. 18
    You haven’t spent much time thinking about Britney Spears before, but come Thursday, you’ll find out exactly why she’s been institutionalized.

    p. Aries: March 21 – April 19
    You will learn that there is, indeed, more than one way to skin a cat after your exceptionally sadistic Resident Assistant discovers your neighbor’s tabby.

    p. Pisces: Feb. 19 – March 20
    Unfortunately, your HMO subscribes to the following philosophy: “If time heals all wounds, and time is money, then money heals all wounds.”

    p. Taurus: April 20 – May 20
    The entire College population will gain weight when the new French dining hall director runs out of vegetables and replies, “Let them eat cake.”

    p. Gemini: May 21- June 21
    Your fetishes for beef and economists will be revived this week during the first annual economics department barbeque and orgy.

    p. Cancer: June 22 – July 22
    Although you’ve always been a staunch liberal, you will come to understand George W. Bush on Monday when you choke on a pretzel.

    p. Leo: July 23 – Aug. 22
    You’ve always been a curious person, but trust the stars when they tell you that you don’t want to know from whence those little Vienna sausages come.

    p. Virgo: Aug. 23 – Sept. 22
    Before you ask, your roommate has a very good reason to keep Meryl Streep tied up and sedated under a pile of clothes in her closet.

    p. Libra: Sept. 23 – Oct. 22
    Today’s horoscopes are brought to you by Head On: Apply directly to the forehead. Head On: Apply directly to the forehead.

    p. Scorpio: Oct. 23 – Nov. 21
    You’ll learn to lock your door when your parents, best friend, priest and family dog drop in for a surprise visit during a passionate encounter.

    p. Sagittarius: Nov. 22 – Dec. 21
    Students often hide their cars to avoid tickets and fines, but dismantling your Dodge Durango and storing it under your bed simply isn’t feasible.

    p. Capricorn: Dec. 22 – Jan. 19
    From the sublime to the ridiculous is only a step; however, from Morton Hall to the College Apartments is one mile.

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