Showcase your sexual statistics

While many seniors have a good idea of their career situation come graduation, many of us — especially underclassman — may not yet have experience applying for jobs.

p. From casual meetings to official interviews, first impressions are everything, and a killer resume is your key to success. But I’m not here to get you a job; I’m here to get you laid (or into a relationship). Our lesson for today: how to perfect your own sexual resume.

p. The concept is the same as the business. The first impression may make or break your chances, so think about what you want them to know about you.

p. The first challenge is to determine your objective. What are you looking for? Put this out there plainly: “I am a [gender], looking for a [gender] to be my [casual screw, cuddle buddy, soulmate].”

p. Once the other party knows what you want from them, show them why you’re the best for the job. You’ll want to consider what activities you talk about, and what they say about you — it could make all the difference in the world. If a guy introduces himself as a member of the cheerleading squad, that gives a very different impression than a girl who introduces herself as the sex columnist for the Flat Hat. That’s why I’d avoid simply spitting out a list of activities when you’re first getting to know a potential interest.

p. Talk about who you are, not what you do. You’re not trying to hide the type of person you are; on the contrary, you’re allowing the person to really get to know you before they pass judgments.
If it gets to the point in the conversation where old flames come up, keep it positive. This isn’t the time or place to gush about how horrible the breakup was and how you’re using this to try to get over it.

p. Your date isn’t there to provide therapy; we have services on campus for that. Unless you plan on having a very emo relationship, avoid starting off the first date by weeping. Instead of saying, “I don’t know how many people that jackass slept with while we were together,” perhaps instead say, “We really didn’t discuss exclusivity, and I guess we wanted different things.”

p. Once you start getting to know each other more intimately, deeper conversations and sharing can bring you closer. Burdening someone at the beginning with all of your relationship baggage will likely scare off any prospective partner.

p. Now comes the juicy part of every resume: your experience. There are a variety of ways to handle this information when asked and your choice depends on your relationship goal. Don’t bring up any experience that you don’t want to repeat, or anything that you don’t think you would be willing to do regularly. If you’re not very experienced and you’re looking to get some, make sure they know that. Avoid being blunt or crude, but casual body language can get your point across clearly. If you regret being an experienced veteran, let the other person know that you want to take it slow, and be sure to stick to it.

p. Taking a marketing class could definitely help you with the overall feel of your sexual resume. Make sure the other person sees you as you want them to, and this isn’t simply about how you act in their presence because word travels fast. If you’re a bitch who burned your last significant other’s mattress, it’s going to get around.

p. Hopefully your past indiscretions aren’t as bad as that, but when your name comes up in other conversations, what do you think will be said about you? Spending your first date on the — attempting to do damage control is an exhausting way to start out. If you know of a certain widespread rumor, you should either try to nip it in the bud by diffusing the accusations, or let your actions speak for you by being such a good person that your date would never think the rumors were true. Remember, as frustrating as it is, building a reputation takes a lifetime; tearing it down takes a moment.

p. __Emily Powell is the Flat Hat sex columnist. She has an impressive list of references.__


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