The warm weather we enjoyed this week really seemed like a godsend. Birds chirping, Barksdale mud-field drying, Frisbee throwing in the Sunken Garden — it was all too perfect. Something had to be amiss, and I’m not talking about climate change.
p. My suspicions were confirmed when the cleavage came out, see-through fabrics were in abundance and open-toed, high-heeled sandals were spotted in, of all the places, the Rec Center.
p. Listen, I’m all for spring fever, but this is a little ridiculous. As my roommate reminded me, we just finished training ourselves not to gag at the Ugg resurgence; now we have to look at ill-fitting, seam-pulling, breast-baring attire? This is so not fair.
p. Spring is tricky. The weather is so spontaneous that everyone wants to celebrate a warm day. But just because Tuesday was Mardi Gras doesn’t mean showgirl attire was in order. While rhinestone-encrusted bras and G-strings were nowhere to be found, I would have preferred an onslaught of ostrich feather headdresses to the formal shorts with heels combination that abounded.
p. I suppose what irks me is that the concept of high-low is lost on people. Want to celebrate warm weather? Go for it, but you can’t disguise a cocktail dress as daywear. Instead, wear a sundress and mix it up with a light-knit cashmere or even denim. Want to wear sandals? Try an embellished gladiator. But for the love of all things springtime, 10 a.m. is not the appropriate time for a red corset, heels and hooker makeup. In fact, the performers at the Sex Workers’ Art Show looked more season-appropriate and demure, and that includes the anal sparkler dude(tte).
p. Perhaps everyone is looking for a spring tryst. Well guys, breaking out the armpit-hair bearing muscle tees and cargo shorts isn’t going to cut it. Ladies, I love your breasts as much as the next person, but sheer shirt panels are a no-no, whether or not there’s an undergarment involved.
p. Maybe the weather has made everyone crazy. Is this some new form of allergy? Williamsburg is infamous for the chartreuse coating of pollen on the Crim Dell. The sinuses get clogged and start pushing up against the self-respect part of the brain. Don’t feel bad, it’s a medical malady; just buy a nettie-pot and a mirror.
Spring is a wonderful time to experiment in a number of ways. Want a change? Paint your nails. Showing accidental nipple in class is irreversible — wearing the wrong color peach polish is nothing a little acetone can’t fix. Do you see the distinction? Spring fashion is about Katharine Hepburn-inspired safari and feminine florals, not looking like Bratz dolls.
p. In a few weeks this weather will be standard, so don’t worry about squeezing in all of your revealing spring clothes at once. Pace yourself. In fact, gradually warming up your wardrobe is a great way to see what still fits, what needs to get donated to Goodwill and what garners inappropriate looks. If you wear everything at once, who’s to decipher what part of your outfit is the most? Spring will be here soon enough, whether or not you entice the weather with cleavage and butt-cracks galore.
p. Charlotte Savino is a Confusion Corner columnist. She’s allergic to skanky spring fashion.
