Yes, I signed his black book

Okay, cool — I get it. Everyone saw Goody Sutherland with the devil. You got me.

A final request. Can we stop the witch-hunt long enough to consider at least a scrap of what I’m saying? I’m pretty sure I’m not a total loon. And I’m absolutely positive I’m not weaving lies for your benefit. I knew that, with views considered distasteful by your typical college student, I wouldn’t be popular — but heavens. I didn’t realize that people would hide behind anonymity with oh-so-descriptive comments like ‘hahahaha.’ Way to dialogue. I’m not sure if I’m being deliberately misunderstood or accidentally — and I’m not sure which is worse.

Re: ‘I’m-embarrassed-you-go-to-my-school.’ I’ll go ahead and take that as a compliment. I’m embarrassed we held candlelight vigils for former College President Gene Nichol. (I do miss his cat, though).

Here’s what I’ll concede. My tone was harsh. It was perfectly appropriate in the context of the argument with my friend, but I realize that it has turned most of you off. Sorry. I mean, I am grinding an axe here, and that does include sharp edges — but I should’ve known that it would cause many to stop listening. Never mind that the majority of you will applaud a chiding, even caustic, tone when aimed against Palin or Bush. (Don’t deny it; I’ve seen it in action just about every day). When someone points the mirror at you, though, you become red with indignation. Unfortunately, ‘conservative’ and ‘stupid’ are considered synonymous by many. Scoff if you want, but you can’t argue with firsthand experience, darlings. You know the old adage — a mile in my shoes and all that.

Make no mistake: I’m marginalized. I’ve listened (with no measure of patience) to professor after professor after professor spout off in class about how wonderful Obama is or how old and ugly McCain is. Or how ‘the racists who pursued Othello are as bad as any card-carrying Republican.’ Really? Really, professor?

I. Kid. You. Not. Talk about arguing uphill. Not to mention the fact that finding a like-minded student is a rarity akin to seeing the Virgin in my cereal. Understand that I am something of an angry minority. And I’m no anomaly. Most of the liberals I talk to (i.e.: all of my friends) are politically angry folk as well. So it’s not that I’m a crotchety, narrow-minded conservative shaking my finger at ‘you hippies.’ I dared you not to caricaturize me, but I knew you would.

Regarding my comments about environmentalism — I’m sorry, but no other form of power has rendered itself more viable than oil right now — and I mean pragmatically. I don’t see how anyone can take issue with that. Do you think I want this? Do you think I want Pixar to continue releasing depressing, heavy-handedly didactic numbers like WALL-E? Uh, no. Electric cars, for example, fizzled (no matter the reason; they did), and nothing else has been harnessed on a large enough scale to prove terribly useful to the average American (much less to every American) at this immediate moment. Maybe they can be re-imagined and introduced on a wide scale. While this is happening, though, people are suffering economic hardships—all of this in spite of the fact that we have great stores of the current ‘fuel currency’ at our fingertips. Separated from us only by our own scruples. And scruples that other nations do not share. Scruples against which there are plenty of good arguments. (Such as the moose being attracted to, rather than repelled by, the cleverly-installed pipeline in Alaska — one against which many liberal environmentalists railed. A point my commenters studiously avoided). I’m not saying these alternate forms of energy can never work. I never said that. I hope they will and I have confidence that, with more (market and scientific) research, that will be the case. But right now, it’s not. Whether it’s because oil companies have a monopoly due to the types of vehicles people own — or because the alternate sources are defunct for other reasons—we need oil. If you honestly believe I am anti-alternate energy, than you have demonized conservatism so unjustly, that you’re blind to half of the political spectrum. Believe it or not, I did not unthinkingly sit down in a sort of right-winged, opium fever-dream and plunk my blog out in an embittered stupor—conversing with Ronald Reagan and listening to “Cat Scratch Fever” backwards … I promise! For perfectly rational reasons, my battle cry will remain ‘drill, baby, drill.’

At the risk of looking cowardly, I’ve decided not to continue blogging. This is certainly not because I don’t feel strongly about my views; I always have and always will wear my conservatism on my sleeve. (Or perhaps on an elephant keychain on my backpack …) But I’ve already been personally contacted via Facebook and e-mail by several individuals—about my WILDLY ERRONEOUS posts, and, frankly, I don’t have time to respond in-depth to everyone. And in-depth is what both you and my arguments deserve. If anyone wants to engage me in person, you will find me enthusiastic and friendly. I’ll probably buy you a drink.

In response to the query of the day — yes, I did deliberately set out to ‘deceive’ you all. You’ve pegged me exactly. Obfuscation was my only goal. And when I say ‘liberal’ —yes, I mean every single liberal in the world. You’re all the same. When I said I was arguing against ‘liberal ignorance,’ I was actually saying that all liberals are idiots. I certainly didn’t mean that, just like some tenets of conservatism are dumb, some aspects of liberalism claim that adjective as well. Please, please — whatever you do — do NOT give me the benefit of the doubt! Don’t throw me into that briar patch! Discredit and blacklist me entirely. It will be easier for everyone. At least that way we’ll know where we stand. (Honestly, though — did you think I’d be able to write this without using the word ‘liberal’? I’m kicking myself for missing the kid-glove sale …)

Question: do any of you other bloggers receive personalized complaints? You know —sent specifically to you, with that special touch…? Didn’t think so. If you have, let me know, and I’ll invite you over for some deep-fried crow. I don’t want my views to go undefended, and because I will continue to receive bounteous quantities of complaints (like Cassandra, I see where this Troy is headed), I’ve decided that my workload is too great for me to solicit any more. I’m pretty sure you’re confusing opinion with fact, but, being of a different mind, you can’t see that. All I know is: ‘we can’t afford McCain’? Ha! We can’t afford Obama. (Though, views aside, I sincerely hope the man best for America wins).

So you can have your blog site how you like it: indicative of your own, comfortable opinions. Please don’t begrudge me a chuckle, though. Some things are too predictable — takes the excitement out of life. I do thank you for reading.

But don’t call me ‘honey.’


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