Gossip Girl: Doing it for the publicity

Two words — well, names, actually: Patrick Roberts. Get it? Doesn’t it sound familiar? Kind of like… Robert Pattinson? Before I get on about how this episode of “Gossip Girl” may have actually made a critique of the “Twilight” frenzy, let’s do a run-through of our favorite characters.

This week’s episode appropriately featured Halloween elements. Papa Humphrey turns out to be Papa Halloween, which is almost adorable if not somewhat disturbing. His version of Halloween involves making KISS (you know, the band) jack-o-lanterns and having the whole family dress up as The Ramones. Since everyone else is a normal Upper East Sider, he’s the only one who dons a Ramones get-up. Also, no one trick-or-treats at Lily’s home, so she tries to get her European chauffeur to have three kids change costumes so Ramones Rufus won’t be sad. Then the newlyweds do some “trick-or-treating” of their own afterward, which involves them making out and me barfing in my mouth a little. But major kudos to having one of the kids dress up in a Lady Gaga costume.

Sigh. Little J, Little J. When will you learn that looking like Courtney Love just isn’t cute? Jenny starts to wear her usual gratuitous amounts of make-up again this week, which consists of red lips and raccoon eyes. She doesn’t look half-bad, but her behavior is ridiculous. Initially, she gives a very good imitation of Blair to fulfill her new role as queen of the social hierarchy at Constance Billard, complaining about “skins on almonds” in her yogurt to her minions, but her monarchy quickly overflows to make Eric, her best friend and brother, suffer. After some nonsense about sitting higher than her on the steps, she has her minions dump yogurt on Eric and his boyfriend Jonathan. Later on, she plans a covert operation in which she talks to Eric at a party, while her minions pelt Jonathan with eggs as he makes his way to said party. Little J, what have you done?

When we first see Blair and Chuck this week, they seem to have already made up from last week’s events, much to my pleasure. Chuck is trying to be Mr. Big Businessman and wants to open up a speakeasy. It’s all kind of funny, really. Most guys his age would just be trying to throw keg frat parties mixers, and Chuck here is trying to make a legitimate drinking/club establishment. To make a long story short, Blair wants to help Chuck with his club opening, but he wants nothing to do with her, having had his trust shattered last week. Of course, Blair never takes “no” for an answer and gets Jack Bass, of all people, to get Chuck a liquor license for his club. Naturally, the license is a sham, which miraculously unites Blair and Chuck again as they get police and paparazzi to come, which makes the club notorious and suddenly the hottest place in town. Even though they both have sociopathic tendencies and obvious trust issues, I must say — best couples therapy session ever.

Serena apparently still has a job as a publicist. She has just about the bitchiest boss ever, who threatens to banish her to a job of “delivering James Franco’s underwear” for all of eternity unless she gets Olivia McCutesy Actress to break up with Dan. If I were Serena, I certainly wouldn’t mind delivering underwear to the sexiness that is James Franco. Meanwhile, Nate gets Dan to watch Olivia’s “Endless Knights” movies, which are kind of a rip-off of Twilight, only with Shakespearean costumes and sex by fireplaces. Nate informs Dan that Olivia was dating her co-star Patrick Roberts when they made the films, and we get to see Hilary Duff levitate and put on an orgasm face, which only scars me for the remainder of the episode. Olivia later tells Dan that she and Patrick were only dating for publicity. Sounds eerily like Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson, doesn’t it? Anyway, Serena doesn’t succeed in breaking Olivia and Dan up. Instead, she gets them to go public with their relationship, while she becomes Patrick’s new fake girlfriend. It all works out pretty well, since it gets McBitch off her back.

So where are we by the end? Olivia and Dan are as happy as can be. Blair is on good terms with Chuck again (rejoice!). Serena is on better terms with her boss, but is mad at Blair for choosing Chuck over her. Little J has a major identity crisis and throws out her sewing machine as she starts to “become” the costume of Queen Bee. And me? I’m just waiting for things to explode next week.


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