Checking off the college bucket list

Oh my threesomes! Before I move onto the main dish of this much-anticipated episode (that was causing Parents’ Television Councils across America to have strokes), let’s see where our favorite, ridiculously good-looking, and dysfunctional Upper East Siders are.

Little J looks pretty damn good this week. Granted, her make-up and clothing make her look years older than she actually is, but she somehow pulls it off. Even though Little J is now in better graces with the high-class society because she is Lily’s stepdaughter, she still has to fight for her position at the upcoming cotillion, during which families “debut” their daughters who have come of age. Basically, it’s an event where all the local rich bitches buy the most expensive dress they can find and seek out the hottest guy to be their escort. For Little J, the cotillion is a chance for her to leave her Brooklyn roots behind permanently and establish herself as a permanent fixture on the Upper East Side. And if this means starting a war against her stepbrother (and former best friend) Eric, then so be it.

As usual, Chuck is love. It’s amazing how much I have grown to love this guy, given he was the biggest and most immoral tool in the first season. Chuck is refined, understanding, and undeniably sexy as he caters a party for Nate’s cousin at his new hotel while still holding the title Best Boyfriend Ever to Blair. He knows Blair to the point he even acknowledges that her latest catfight with Serena is immature and that she should make amends before they drift even further apart. Blair, of course, has no concept of humility and ends up with cake on her face and a pissed off blonde ex-bffl. Chuck takes his cue and saves the day, locking Blair and Serena in an elevator so they can talk their differences out. The guy even has the decency to leave the two with a box of macaroons and booze. Cheers, Chuck.

Nate runs around trying to prove that he is more than a gorgeous face by helping his cousin, Tripp, win the election for congressman. I don’t know what runs in the family gene pool, but Tripp is the sexiest political figure I’ve ever seen. All he would need to do is stand at a podium, and I’d be sold. While Tripp is the shining beacon of good looks and morals, his grandfather, William van der Bilt, is the Big Bad Wolf in the political world. On a side note, what is up with these “van der” last names? You can stick pretty much anything after “van der” and sound a million dollars richer. Anyway, Tripp, who initially was losing the election, becomes hero for a day when he saves a man from drowning. As suspected all along, the whole thing is a hoax that Tripp unknowingly walks into. Ultimately, Nate nobly sacrifices his name to defend Tripp’s honor. The kicker is that it wasn’t Big Bad Wolf who came up with the scheme, but Tripp’s wife, who wanted the Wolf out of her family’s life, and with good reason. Now if only she can keep Tripp’s raging passions for Serena in check, then all will be well.

Speaking of which, we had not only one blonde this week, but two. Our usual resident blonde, Serena, got a job at Tripp’s office for vague reasons that translate essentially to this: Tripp secretly wants to shag the hell out of her. Blair, after making up with Serena, sees that this is dangerous and tells Serena to stop it immediately, but we all know how well that’s going to turn out. We last see Serena attempting to submit her resignation into Tripp, but as fate would have it, that’s probably far from the end of their relationship.

The other blonde was a total prostitute. No, really, I’m not trying to be an offensive; that was actually her profession. A real “working girl,” as she called herself. And a psych major, too. I’m not sure if the writers of the show were trying to make a statement about psych majors, but at least they’re keeping the show interesting. The Blond Ho plotline pretty much only served to establish that Blair sucks at making friends, and that she only has room for one blonde bestie in her life.

And now for the main event. Olivia McCutesy finds out she has to make a fourth “Twilight” rip-off, so Dan and Vanessa attempt to cram all the items from some ridiculous “15 Things to Do in College” into one night. The last item of the list, of course, is to have a threesome, and then we get to see McCutesy, Dan, and Vanessa take turns making out with each other. I would have been a little more shocked at this if I weren’t completely baffled at how “having a threesome” could possibly end up on a college list. A list in Cosmo magazine, perhaps?

Next week: the threesome has to go through that whole “what have we done” nonsense, Eric tries to sabotage Queen J’s reign, and LADY GAGA ACTION. Get excited.


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