If you are one of the students lucky enough to have found a significant other in the .05 percent of eligible bachelors and bachelorettes on this campus, I salute you wholeheartedly in your success. For the rest of us, whether involved in sports, Greek life or any of the other hundreds of organizations on our campus, I’d like to take this time to remind you that relationships often call for many more sacrifices than you should ever be willing to make as a young college student.
First and foremost, if you are involved with a member of the opposite sex, privacy is wholly absent. For example, any hookup, date or relationship you may have on this campus is almost always a three-way love triangle between you, your significant other and 5,000 of your closest Facebook friends. In our colonial corner of the world, you can almost always be certain that everyone knows everyone else, and even if they do not, the next student you see on your way to class either: 1) has Facebook stalked you, 2) is currently in the process of it or 3) has heard enough about you to know your favorite ninja turtle, the first concert you went to with your parents and, of course, your favorite Wawa purchase.
Another downside I’d love to cite is the monogamy factor: Most of us have the rest of our lives to look forward to being married to one person, or even worse, being married to no one and buying a puppy or kitten every time we’re feeling a little lonely. So, if you are for any reason one of those students “looking for a relationship,” think again — college is the only time that looking slutty at a party makes emds up making you more friends, not more enemies.
If you’re one of the hopefuls still thinking the benefits of a relationship outweighs the costs, let’s think about that very last term: the costs. Combined with the recent rise in gas prices (although slightly unrelated), Valentine’s Day, birthdays, movie theater expenses and dinner dates make splitting the check not only acceptable, but also mandatory nowadays. If you’re a caffeine addict, your Starbucks habit will have to be the first thing to go.
Last but not least, College of William and Mary students never seem to have enough free time. So if you happen to have any ambitions of running a half-marathon, finally writing that perfect government paper or catching up on all of the episodes of The Bachelor, Parks and Recreation or Game of Thrones that you may have missed, please rethink your aspirations. While spending time with a person you like may be wonderful, it also happens during the only time you may have had for yourself this week. Personally, I’m all about that “me time” sort of thing.
Unfortunately, while I would love nothing more than to continue with more uplifting pessimism about campus relationships, I am afraid I often overestimate student appreciation for my imagination and creativity. If, however, you found any part of this humorous, my job is done. Not only have I just wasted 10 minutes of your life with absolute nonsense, but I have possibly succeeded in making you think about cute puppies without going on StumbleUpon. Now go on my dearest and most committed students: Swem on, munch on, Wawa on, or whatever it is that you most love.
Dasha Godunova is a Confusion Corner columnist and is currently watching the Hangover. With Las Vegas, tigers and strippers on her mind, she disclaims that the next column will most likely cite all three.