Behind Closed Doors: The right and wrong ways to get your hands dirty

Let’s talk about fingering, and while we’re at it, let’s talk about handjobs, too. Among guys, the general consensus on handjobs seems to be that you’re never going to get one that’s as good as one you could give yourself. As a potential giver of handjobs, this attitude sometimes puts me off from even trying. However, I have to say, guys, you’re not always so talented yourselves.

Not at handjobs — I’ll bow to your expertise in that area — but when it comes to fingering, trust me when I say I can do a better job myself. I masturbate, which girls pretty much aren’t supposed to do — or at least not supposed to admit that they do, but that’s a topic for another day. Suffice it to say that I have, with practice, learned what works for me and now I can almost guarantee not only that I will be able to get myself off faster than you can, I can actually get myself off, period. You can’t fake it to yourself — although I have faked giving myself an orgasm in front of a guy before — and I have faked an orgasm with a guy before.  Almost every time it’s because that guy was bad.

See, here’s the thing, dudes — you can’t really fake it too well. I mean, if I’m jerking you off, I’m going to keep going until I see a result. For me, it’s pretty easy to moan and wiggle a little, and you’ll think you’ve done your job. I’m doing you a favor, really, because I’ve realized that, earnest as they may be, your attempts are futile. We might as well just stop and not waste any more time. Believe me, if what you’re doing is working, I will take all of your time.

The most recent time I faked an orgasm, I was being fingered in the most horrible way, to the point that it was starting to get painful. I swear some guys must not realize that fingers are not the same as the penis. The term “boner” is pretty misleading — there is no actual bone in the penis, unlike in your fingers, which are quite boney, and unfortunately are not nearly as wide. This guy was thrusting his fingers straight in-and-out, hard, and because it was just straight thrusting, I didn’t feel anything, except for his knuckles bruising my bits. The sad thing was that I could see he was really into it — he was thrusting with his hand as if it was his third leg — and he was getting himself excited in the process. The really sad thing was that he wasn’t the first guy to do this.

In retrospect, I probably should have said something. Instead, I just lay there, silent and unmoving, hoping he would notice that I clearly wasn’t enjoying myself. He didn’t. I was tired and not in the mood for taking things any further, so I faked an orgasm to make him stop, then rolled over and went to sleep. I’d like to think that if the same thing happened to me now, I would have the ovaries to say, “Could you try going a little softer?”  Then again, my ex-boyfriend had a similar technique, and even when I told him I liked it better when he was slow and gentle, he never could seem to stop himself from speeding up. Rather than seem demanding by repeatedly asking for him to ease up, I would often play the same game and fake it because I was bored and sore.

As much as I would like to blame these guys for not being perceptive enough, the truth is, I should have been more vocal. While it feels selfish to direct someone on how to give me pleasure, when the roles are reversed, I always wish my partner would just tell me what he likes rather than have me go in blind — unless that’s what he’s into. We all know better than anyone else how to get ourselves off, so we might as well be generous and share that information with our partners. Manual sex could actually be good with another person if we did. Here’s my generous tip for the day: While a curved penis can sometimes be a problem, curved fingers never hurt anyone with a G-spot.

Elaine B. is a Behind Closed Doors columnist and she promises to speak up more about what she likes.


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