If even half of us stuck to our New Year’s resolutions, we would have a campus filled with perfect human beings who strut around with six-pack abs, have bank accounts overflowing with savings and can speak articulately about every political event, social issue and novel known to man. However, the beauty of being a college student is that in the eyes of the world, we are not yet adults, which allows us to wear sweatshirts three days in a row, sleep until lunchtime and watch every show available on Netflix.
So this time around, instead of thinking about resolutions that would make me a better person, I began by re-evaluating the entire resolution scheme. Since I typically cannot remember 90 percent of my resolutions after February, I decided that maybe the tried and true resolutions our parents encourage us to adopt are not applicable just yet.
For example, look at the “take better care of yourself” plan. In theory, it seems wonderful to eat healthier food, walk more instead of driving, go to bed earlier — these are lifestyle choices that many adults dream of making into habits. Unfortunately for the typical college student, most of the other 4,995 students at this school have been bent on abandoning this lifestyle since leaving their parents’ nest after high school graduation. Just as most fish avoid swimming upstream, we must realize that our current environment doesn’t encourage success in such ventures, and act accordingly.
Going to bed earlier, while significantly increasing the number of “5 Hour Energy” shots available to the rest of us during exams, would also lead to a significant college-wide decrease in GPA averages, particularly since the bulk of papers and problem sets are completed well past midnight. Walking more would just give you less time to watch TV and play frisbee or Call of Duty: Black Ops in between classes — and may I remind you that, until retirement, college is our last chance to nap after lunchtime?
Let’s also consider the “save money” conundrum. Whether you are an in-state student or not, your family is probably already dishing out thousands of dollars every semester that you have next to no hope of repaying. With that in mind, saving an extra 100 dollars per month seems not only fruitless, but almost counterproductive when compared to the massive loans we will have after graduation. Instead, we should adopt a “spend it while you have it” philosophy and at least wait until we enter the real world to become economical. Never again will that new video game or Starbucks frappuccino seem as desirable or as necessary as at this very moment.
A Google search provided a few other popular resolution options, such as “drink less alcohol,” “lose weight,” “take a trip” or “volunteer,” all of which are wonderful on paper but are almost impossible to accomplish while on a college campus. Now that everyone has decided that January will be the month of regular gym attendance, the Student Recreation Center has become so packed with students that finding an empty treadmill or kettle bell becomes next to impossible. Taking an interesting trip also presents a problem, as the next break we have is Spring Break in March, the majority of which is spent trying to achieve a better tan than our friends. Volunteering, the most feasible option on the resolution list, also becomes an issue when class, homework, working out, lunch dates and sleep start to take precedence.
But please don’t take this too seriously — if even .05 of a New Year’s resolution works out for you, your life is already .05 times better than before. I only encourage you to keep in mind that there is no rush to grow up. Instead, let January be a time to enjoy life back on campus, not a time spent worrying about who you want to be in the future. We have the rest of our lives to become geniuses, to bench press 200 pounds and to wake up just in time for a 7 a.m. run, but we each have only one college experience with which to delay entrance into the grown-up world for just a little longer.
Dasha Godunova is a Confusion Corner columnist and can list every show available on Netflix off the top of her head.