Welcome to November, the best month of all. No, it isn’t my birthday month; I am not that conceited — there are more wonderful reasons to love a month other than a day of worshipping me. First of all, November is magical because we can finally stop pretending that we care about Major League Baseball. Boston Purple Sox won the World Circuits, right? I don’t know, but I am glad we can focus on more pressing issues like the tragic end of the Jonas Brothers. The second reason to smile about November is the annual mass slaughter of turkeys for our enjoyment. Sorry, PETA that isn’t sarcasm. I genuinely love Thanksgiving and all of the traditional food that accompanies it. This is only an abridged list because I can actually think of at least 36 (I counted) additional reasons, but that would not leave time to talk about the most significant reason to celebrate November: the start of cuffing season.
What is cuffing season? Excellent question. Cuffing season is a colloquial phrase used to describe the time of year when it appears that all of your single friends are entering into new relationships. Generally, November is the start of cuffing season because cold weather makes people lose their minds and instead of purchasing a parka, we look for that special person to keep us warm. Further, the holiday season hits us like a wrecking ball and all of a sudden every kiss begins with Kay Jewelers and we cannot escape the ideology around us that romance needs to happen now or never. Cuffing season is the last minute scramble to find someone who will date you, at least until New Year’s Eve, or you will find yourself on Christmas Eve alone, watching “Love Actually” and crying over a Lean Cuisine, because life only works in extreme dichotomies.
I am unsure who first coined the phrase cuffing season, but thanks to social media it has grown from a mockery of desperate singles looking for love to a full-fledged season for which I feel obligated to prepare. Jay-Z raps about cuffing season in his featured verse on Justin Timberlake’s “Suit and Tie.” You know if Mr. Z mentions it, there is some definite validity to the season. So sadly, in the same way that we buy bathing suits and sandals to welcome summer, we must take the same preemptive steps to welcome cuffing season.
How should I prepare? Golly, if you are just now asking this, it is definitely too late for you. Cuffing season takes weeks of preparation, okay? You not only have to prepare yourself for a potential new relationship, but also for all of the potential rejection you will face. First, get your life together. If you just barely made it through midterm season and your ultimate goal is to graduate, I would say sit this cuffing season out. There is nothing attractive about a 1.5 GPA.
Once you feel that your life is “together,” in whatever way you define that word, then you should definitely download the Tinder app and let the magic happen. Oh, it is cuffing season and you don’t know where to meet local singles? There’s an app for that. Trust me, guys, Tinder is the best thing that has ever happened for singles in cuffing season.
What is Tinder? It’s a dating app, which gives you access to thousands of local singles in your area. Come on, everyone, it’s like 2010 or something; it’s the future. Dating apps are cool now, alright? Good. The grand draw to Tinder is that it does not bore you with the details of someone’s personality. It lets you choose someone based on the most important criteria: their appearance. Let’s face it, ten times out of ten a dreamy smile and an eight pack will win over a description with motivational sayings and “I love Jesus” cliches. Boring. Tinder is based off of a quick and gut-based reaction to the person’s attractiveness. As I have mentioned, life is based on extreme dichotomies and Tinder is no different. It loads a picture of a person onto your screen and you decide if they are attractive by swiping left for “no” and right for “yes.” If you and a person both say “yes,” then Tinder kindly asks if you would like to chat with this person or keep playing. There you have it, you now have someone to cuff, so to speak, for cuffing season. Quite literally, all you need is an attractive face and a thumb for swiping to have a successful cuffing season.
What about the moral issues behind Tinder? Is it wrong to judge someone so harshly based on their appearance? Silence, you liberal arts major. Yes, it is rude, but by far the best way to behave rudely is over the Internet. We do the same thing in person every day, whether we chose to admit it. Besides, there is something refreshing about being brutally honest, with no more blurred lines (am I right, Robin Thicke)?
As you approach this cuffing season, do not count Tinder out as a valid way to make a connection. Don’t leave your dorm, smile and strike up a conversation with the cutie you have your eye on in Econ 102. No, why would you do something so complicated? Keep it simple and smooth and download Tinder.
Zoe Johnson is a Confusion Corner columnist and is downloading Tinder at this very moment.