Broke for the holidays?

Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat, would you please put a penny in the old man’s hat?

What’s that you say? You don’t have a penny? Sorry, old man, we’re college students here.

If you search for the word “broke” in Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary, you’ll see a picture of my smiling face.

Hello! Hanukkah is here, Christmas is coming, and even if you don’t celebrate either, undoubtedly your wallet is still crying because life is happening, and it stops for no one.

Printing fees? Yes, add them up because I refuse to read 50 pages on the theory of bodies in cities — literary and cultural studies major, don’t ask — on my computer screen. Food at Wawa? Absolutely. Who can survive off of 10 meals a week at the Sadler Center?

I’m not a Muppet; I need to eat. These things are not unreasonable for me to buy, but they can certainly be pricey.

How can we spend money without completely breaking bank? How do we, to quote the great 50 “Fiddy” Cent, forget about the haters and stack our paper?

I have come up with four easy and reasonable ways to acquire more money before the end of the year. Let’s call the list “Four Easy and Reasonable Ways to Acquire More Money Before the End of the Year.” Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.

1) Sell your eggs: Not the ones from chickens in your fridge, the ones that grow inside of you. This one is for females or males who know very generous females.

It’s a simple concept. You’re not using them at this very second, and there is a large, bustling market of people who want and need your eggs.

Don’t ask questions; just get the money you deserve.

2) Sell your homework: There is no honor code on the streets. We are students and therefore automatically intelligent.

Our super brains are pushing out advanced thoughts by the second. Immanuel Kant was an important philosopher. Boom. I told you, these thoughts just flow out of us.

Remember high school? What a walk in the park. It would take some of us 10 minutes to write at a high school level. At the next Model UN convention on campus, I say we seize the opportunity to meet some desperate high school students.

3) Adult-sit: Similar to baby-sitting, but it involves no babies, toddlers or over-protective parents. This is adult-sitting. It’s a non-sexual escort service. Are you still with me? Stop complaining that you do not have any friends; that is nonsense.

Older adults will quite literally pay for your companionship. To the movies, to the mall, to Wawa, for a walk around safe neighborhoods — do not sweat the details, just know that it is hard to make friends as an older adult.
It’s actually downright awkward.

The directness of adult-sitting is perfect. You need friendship; I need money. Everyone sign up today.

4) Get a job: Just joshing you! “Get a job.” What a slippery phrase. People just throw it around all willy nilly as if there is a magical job generator. One job, please!

If I could order up a job the way I order sandwiches at Wawa, there would not be a problem.

There’s also the issue of not having time in the day to look for a job, or even time to show up and behave rationally at work.

That’s asking a lot from a student. We cannot just “get jobs.” We need to find a way and that’s not it. Do not get a job; find alternative sources of income.

If you’re a person, money will be an issue for the rest of your life. It is obnoxious that we have so many incredible opportunities available to us as college students that we cannot always take advantage of because we’re sorely lacking in the monetary department.

Try to stay calm; if there is one issue that unites the majority of the world, it’s the fact that we all are in desperate need of money.

Try to tap into the widespread community appeal in that fact. You can use my alternative list, or don’t — it’s your choice, but I know some lucky lady will soon have my eggs, and I’ll be sporting a gorgeous, brand new jacket.

‘Tis the season for pea coats.

Zoe Johnson is a Confusion Corner Columnist and is sporting some mint condition eggs and a solid B+ paper on Kant — going once, twice — sold to the lady in the lovely pea coat.