We Need To Talk…

Andre Poniewozik ‘26 is a sociology major and is currently involved in Radio Club and Vinyl Tap. He plays guitar and is obsessed with the TV show Survivor. Contact at asponiewozik@wm.edu

Avi Joshi ‘26 is an English major and is an active member of Phi Mu Alpha and big supporter of Metal Club. He plays the drums and likes to read. Contact at asjoshi@wm.edu

The views expressed in the article are the author’s own. 

It’s that time of year folks. The time of year when single people are not only reminded of their lack of a relationship, but also forced to look at heart shaped chocolates and gifts as they wander through the aisles of overly bright grocery stores. It’s the time of year when people who are in relationships must somehow create a date that tops last year’s, or new lovebirds have to create a first date so incredible they can only dread as next year comes, and they must kill their brain coming up with a new date idea. Yes folks, you guessed it: it’s Valentine’s season.

In the spirit of this lovely holiday, we thought it would be a good idea to list some of the best and worst breakup spots on campus because what goes up must always come down. When it comes to a breakup, there are a couple factors to keep in mind to make it go as smoothly as possible: it needs to be a somewhat neutral location but give a slight advantage to the person initiating the breakup. So, for example, it needs to be a place that the person wanting to break up frequents more than the significant other but still be a place the significant other knows — just not as much as the initiator.

When it comes to awful places to break up, the third floor of Swem has to be near the top of the list. Although it could be argued that it provides the perfect excuse to avoid a post-breakup argument (they cannot talk back — or at all!), it is basically the College of William and Mary equivalent of breaking up over text. Unable to discuss the breakup and articulate the reasons behind it without receiving furious looks from everyone around you, there is sure to be miscommunication and hurt feelings.

Even with the weight of the myth, the Crim Dell Bridge is quite a nasty location to be when in a relationship. Maybe not as much if you are married, but for everyone else there is a certain amount of anxiety when hovering around that location. As a break-up spot, it is truly one of the worst. The myth of the bridge makes the weight of the breakup even heavier. It is also not that neutral to either party; and it is kind of public. However, the biggest reason to avoid the Crim Dell is that it creates an inevitable game of chicken: push or be pushed. Do you add salt into the wound of the breakup and push them in while doing it, or do you try to be nice and run the risk of instantly getting soaked yourself? Ultimately, if you need to break up at the bridge, make sure to do it before you’ve fully crossed it; there’s nothing that makes a break-up worse than a centuries-long curse.

It is hard to find some good places to break-up — something to do with the tone of the event — but one place we had in mind was the Wren Courtyard. This might seem like an interesting pick as it is quite public, but it is also neutral to both parties. The scenery is nice and peaceful, but it’s close enough to the center of campus that you can avoid the long walk of shame from a similarly pretty location like Colonial Williamsburg (if you were to do it there, which we do not recommend). Be warned if you decide to act on a break-up in Wren Courtyard: the ground is strewn with sticks that could be used against you if the recipient of the “we need to talk” phrase gets upset. Otherwise, it is a decent location to end your relationship.

This next pick is probably our most obscure. Hear us out when we say that the gates at Zable Stadium would be a good place to break-up, specifically at night. It is a generally neutral place as I don’t think many people “hangout” outside of Zable unless it’s game day. Our recommendation is that you wait till the evening to break-up as there will not be many students walking by the gates. Another reason it is a decent place to break-up is there are no miscellaneous objects lying around in case your ex-significant other is more than upset.

All in all, the thing to keep in mind when breaking up with someone is doing it in a place where you both are comfortable. The moment one party is uncomfortable the break-up becomes much harder. Also, please don’t break up with people over text: it is shallow, and I think we are all old enough to look someone in the eyes and shatter their heart. Don’t call them to break-up either (also very shallow). For everyone who is in a relationship this Valentine’s, we wish you many more to come; but if you ever decide that “many more to come” is too many then please feel free to use our advice. For all our single people out there, just remember relationships are totally overrated (we are for sure kidding). Happy Valentines everyone!


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