Eva Jaber ‘28 (she/her) is a prospective English or international relations major. She is a member of the Cleftomaniacs, an a cappella group, an ESL tutor and hopes to encourage peace-minded advocacy on campus. Contact her at ehjaber@wm.edu.
The views expressed in this article are the author’s own.
Can I just say something? I am disappointed in my readers. Not a single one of you has asked me a question that starts with my name. You just get right to the point. Where is the chivalry? The courtesy? The kindness? Whatever. Here’s the question of the week:
What is your advice for locking in?
You may be surprised that I didn’t begin with a whimsical anecdote. This question is about productivity, something that you all have clearly mastered when it comes to formatting the shortest, coldest questions possible. This is your warning. If you don’t start using my name in your questions, my column will go from satire to slander real quick. But, in the meantime, let’s work on translating the excessive productivity you exemplify in your question-asking skills to other spheres of life.
Many would argue that the best way to lock in is to remove distractions. These people are trying to deceive you. They don’t want you to achieve maximum productivity. If you really want to focus, the key is to trap yourself in a confined space surrounded by deterrents that preoccupy the stress side of your brain so the rest of you can do your work with ease. The technical term, of course, is “multitasking.” However, there are many ways you can go about this. By many, I mean three. So, without further ado, I present the three best (and only) types of multitasking that are guaranteed to produce consistent results.
1) Mall-titasking. Smell is not a sense that is necessary to get your work done. Scientific studies actually show that our sense of smell distracts us from important tasks because it focuses energy on our noses instead of our noggins. In order to overcome this, we must overwhelm our senses. The best way to do this is to go to the mall and set up shop inside the perfume section of a busy retail store. You won’t even need those little paper slips people use to sample scents. Just spray every test perfume bottle on the book you were assigned to read and let the studying begin. If you get a headache, that’s just how it feels when the brain power usually directed toward your nose is rerouted for productivity. You’re welcome.
2) Meal-titasking. Little is more stressful than when you’re trying to heat up a sandwich so you stick it in a toaster oven but, unbeknownst to you, the hot rods at the top are touching the bread and your food gets set on fire. That energy when you have accidentally set something ablaze, that chaotic, panicked energy, is what we need to channel when getting stuff done. The solution is not just to get into the mindset of a kitchen crisis. No. From what I have seen through your striking lack of empathy in how you address me as a satire advice columnist, it is clear that you must be placed in a real situation with very high stakes to feel even an ounce of genuine emotion. So, what you need to do is purchase one of those toaster ovens with a little glass door and place an abnormally tall inverted sandwich inside it. Inverted sandwich? Yes, dear reader. You need to put the lettuce on the outside and the bread on the inside so it takes longer to catch fire. Once you turn the toaster oven on, you cannot touch it until all your work is done. There’s a burning lettuce smell? Do your work faster. The fire alarm is going off? Good ambient study music. Your roommate has sought counsel because it’s your fifth time pulling this stunt and she doesn’t know how to get you to stop? You’ve got yourself an audience of lawyers to watch you turn in your paper. On the off chance that this doesn’t work for you, do not fear. I’ve got some other inverted sandwiches roasting in the toaster oven that is my brain.
3) Mole-titasking. This entire point depended on moles being rodents so I could say that if you don’t have a large population of moles in your area then squirrels would work fine as substitutes. From my quick Google search, I learned two things. One, moles are so scary looking. Two, moles are not rodents but instead insectivores. Gimme a second. Let me restart.
3 (for real this time)) Maul-titasking. It is only a matter of time before I get mauled by a campus squirrel. I was literally walking by Sadler a few days ago and a squirrel catapulted out of a nearby trash can, nearly taking me out. On this campus, the squirrels consider me public enemy number one. I clocked the hostility immediately upon my arrival, and I began surveilling them. I am ready to reveal all the secrets I know about the campus squirrels. I just need the right question. But, going back to the task at hand, many of the videos in my camera roll are of campus squirrels packing the dirt with their cute little paws to hide acorns. Have you ever watched a squirrel bury an acorn and wondered what they would do if you walked over, dug it back up and ate the acorn in front of them? Because I have. And if you really want to focus, I know what you have to do.
First, keep tabs on where campus squirrels have been hiding their acorns. Next, dig them all up, shuck the outer layer of every acorn and keep the insides. Once you have a tupperware full of ready-to-eat acorns, purchase a wide-brimmed hat and tape each acorn on the underside of the flap so any squirrels who dare to challenge you must come very close to your face. Then, go on a walk alongside a nice row of campus trees while holding a portable device to work on an assignment. Every minute and a half, you must eat an acorn while making direct eye contact with one of your fuzzy foes. You are not, under any circumstances, allowed to go inside until your schoolwork is done. The squirrels will try to take back what is theirs. Outrun them. Outthink them. Outsmart them.
Imagine me right now sitting next to a flaming sandwich, crying in a Bath and Body Works or psyching out a bunch of campus squirrels while wearing a sunhat bedazzled with their poorly-hidden acorns. Would you believe me if I said I wrote this in six minutes? That’s the power of locking in. I could very well be lying to you. In fact, I probably am. But you’ve wasted enough time reading this to spend longer questioning my integrity. For heaven’s sake, go do your work.
