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Scorpio: Oct. 23 – Nov. 21You will realize this week that getting a $100 ticket from parking services is a bit steep. Too bad they don’t give a shit. |
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Taurus: April 20 – May 20If you wake up this week dizzy, bound and gagged, don’t worry. It was most likely IT coming to collect your $2.22 printing bill. |
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Sagittarius: Nov. 22 – Dec. 21Celebrity sighting alert: The stars predict that you will run into Falcons quarterback Michael Vick on DoG Street this week. |
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Gemini: May 21- June 21Contrary to popular belief, the water at Jamestown Beach will not kill you, but the diseases you contract there might. |
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Capricorn: Dec. 22 – Jan. 19Don’t be too worried if you get into an argument about the existence of God with your roommate. Just put him or yourself in a glass box |
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Cancer: June 22 – July 22Stay away from dormcest — at all costs. Unless the person’s really hot, then just get drunk and forget you read this. |
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Aquarius: Jan. 20 – Feb. 18The NFL season is getting underway, and while we can’t predict what will happen, we know one thing: the Redskins will suck. |
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Leo: July 23 – Aug. 22You will have an epiphany this week: You want to apply for The Flat Hat and write these horoscopes so I don’t have to. |
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Pisces: Feb. 19 – March 20Classes are starting, and we offer a special warning to you freshmen. If you think you can get away with not going, well, it depends. |
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Virgo: Aug. 23 – Sept. 22Whew! You’re done with the grueling move-in process. Now you can look forward to sweating for the next two months because it’s so fucking hot. |
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Aries: March 21 – April 19Jet-lagged and tired, you will make the smart choice to go out, get hammered and puke the next day after taking a malaria pill. |
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Libra: Sept. 23 – Oct. 22Speaking of heat, don’t be alarmed this week when a beer gremlin jumps out of your fridge and defenestrates your air conditioner. |