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As Congress fights deficits, birth control pill prices rise

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The Deficit Reduction Act of 2005, a federal spending law that allocates drug prices, is causing an increase in the nominal — or minimum — cost of birth control.

p. The law also eliminates the group discount policy that allows many universities to purchase name-brand drugs for their campus pharmacies. Many family-planning and health organizations are outraged over the decision.

p. “We’re definitely losing sleep over [the legislation]. It’s very frustrating — there were already high deductibles because of the insurance companies and they’re just getting higher,” Advocacy Coordinator for Planned Parenthood Margie Rashti said. “Unfortunately, it makes us have to raise our prices.”

p. The American College Health Association is now attempting to counter the price increases.

p. “I want the ACHA membership to know that we are pursuing several means in which we might lessen the impact that the DRA will have on your student health services,” ACHA President Dorothy Kozlowski said in a letter sent to association members.

p. “We are actively engaging the support and expertise of the ACHA Advocacy Committee, which considers any legislation, regulation or policy development dealing with college students’ access to reproductive health care … This issue will also be a priority for the ACHA Board of Directors annual Capitol Hill visit in February 2007.”

p. Many groups who oppose the legislation are looking to Congress for change.

p. “ [The increase] will definitely be a problem for quite a while. A lot depends on the Democrats in Congress and what they push. We support making birth control a part of basic health care that would be available to everyone. There’s more of a chance for that with the Democrats in control,” Rashti said.

p. At the College’s health center, prices have remained fairly consistent. The pharmacy chooses to stock generic pills as opposed to their more expensive brand-name counterparts, allowing for a significantly lower cost to the consumer. Some of the pills offered are Tri-Sprintec, the generic form of Ortho Tri-Cyclen, and Aviane, the generic form of Alesse. All generic pills cost $24 at the College pharmacy, whereas the name-brand costs would range from $45-$60 on a college campus.

p. “I don’t foresee this law affecting students [at the College] because we will still be offering generic medications at a competitive price with CVS and other pharmacies,” pharmacist Maureen Bounds said.

p. Generic versions of birth control do not equate a lower value because of a lower cost. It is more economical for the College to stock these drugs, and more convenient for students who are avoiding an expensive fee.

p. In her letter, Kozlowski “encouraged those who do not already do so to use generic contraceptives when possible as an alternative.”

p. Planned Parenthood agrees, advocating generics as “just as effective, cheaper, and more available.”

p. Although generic medicine costs will not rise, existing deals that the College pharmacy had with name-brand manufacturers will be terminated as a result of this law. The NuvaRing, which is now offered on campus for the low cost of $20, will no longer be available. Also, Ortho Tri-Cyclen Lo, which is now sold for $18 a month, will no longer be carried.

p. The pharmacy will recommend students to the local Planned Parenthood for these drugs. Planned Parenthood carries the NuvaRing for $22 a month, a relatively low price compared to the average pharmacy’s cost of $50 per month. However, this price will continue to rise with the new law.

p. The few name-brand pills offered at the College are more expensive. The cost of Plan B, also known as the “morning-after pill,” is $35 and it is available over-the-counter to all females 18 years of age or older.

p. Another name brand medication, Depo Provera, costs $50 for the serum and the injection. Although it used to be quite popular, a recent study has shown that the drug may cause bone loss. Now the drug is only available by prescription, but its use has dropped significantly.

Author discusses American Indian family issues

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Monday Feb. 5 at 6 p.m., respected author and professor Philip Deloria delivered a lecture entitled “Crossing the (Indian) Color Line: A Family Memoir” to a full house of students, professors and members of the Williamsburg community.

p. Deloria is the author of two books: “Playing Indian,” published in 1998, and “Indians in Unexpected Places,” published in 2004. He is the director of the American Culture program at the University of Michigan, where he is a professor of history and American Culture. A candidate for the presidency of the American Studies Association, Deloria has carried on a family tradition with his work. His Father, Vine Deloria Jr., who died in Nov. 2005, was a well-known advocate for Native American rights.

p. After commenting on the unusually cold weather the College has been experiencing in the past week, Deloria gave an hour-long speech that he divided into five categories.

p. “The first [section] is a little bit of riff about the color line and W.E.B. Dubois, then there’s … musings about culture, then three different biographies, my grandmother, my grandfather and my great-aunt, Ella Deloria,” he said. “Then the three of them kind of draw together, and then the final section is sort of thinking about how they fit together in these kind of curious ways.”

p. As suggested by the title of his lecture, Deloria’s work is intricately connected with his family, which he has researched and from which he has assembled considerable oral histories.

p. “It wasn’t entirely what I expected, but I admired Deloria’s willingness to address seemingly difficult family situations in a thoughtful and reflective manner,” senior John Bell said. “He has an engaging story to tell, and the College is fortunate that he could share it with us.”

p. Deloria spoke extensively about his white grandmother, his mixed-blood Sioux grandfather and his great-aunt, and about how all three of them blurred the color line in different ways. He also mentioned an upcoming project showcasing his grandmother, whom he felt may have been somewhat overshadowed and stifled by his grandfather.

p. “I had never heard Deloria speak before, but I had seen him at conferences, and of course I knew him by reputation and because of his father, Vine Deloria, Jr., [although] he has certainly distinguished himself in his own right,” Andrew Fisher, a professor of history at the College, said. “I wasn’t disappointed — his new project sounds very interesting, very unique, and he is [arguably] the only person who could write it. I do think, however, he raised more questions than he answered.”

p. Also in attendance at the lecture was Randy Flood, executive director of NATV, the first nonprofit Native American television, radio, web and podcast organization in America.

p. “I had never met Phil Deloria, and was only familiar with his father. I went out of curiosity, and thought that Deloria was a very good storyteller, and his subject matter was very interesting, especially his focusing on the female side of the family,” Flood said. “It’s interesting that he focused on that particular aspect…I wish he had gone into greater detail about his father, who was a legend, and was looked upon with great reverence.”

Couples still marry in Wren despite new cross policy

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Despite controversy over the relocation of the Wren cross in late October, there has been no effect on the number of marriages held in the chapel.

p. Executive director of Historic Campus Louise Kale, who also oversees marriage arrangements in the chapel, said that she booked a typical number of weddings in the months following President Gene Nichol’s decision not to display the small gold cross on the altar.

p. There have been 16 weddings and 35 bookings for ceremonies in the chapel since the end of October. However, all of the weddings since late October would have been booked long before the policy change was made, so this number does not indicate any trend relating to the decision.

p. To get married in the Wren Chapel, the bride, groom or their parents must be affiliated with the College.

p. “In January I was booking a lot of weddings,” she said. “In January, I can usually spend all day talking to brides.”
There was an active and healthy interest in the chapel in January. Though it is slow for marriages, January shows an increase in bookings because people get engaged over the holidays, Kale said.

p. “More than one-third of the weddings are booked in one-fourth of the year,” she said of the winter months.
Kale does not release names of those who marry in the chapel; this has been a policy of hers since she began directing wedding arrangements because she feels the information is too personal to release.

p. She also does not keep statistics for the various religions of weddings in the chapel. The engaged couple completes a questionnaire that includes information on what religious official will be needed and whether they want the cross displayed. It is impossible to tell from the November through January bookings (since Nichol’s decision) the percentage of weddings associated with different religions to discern any trend concerning religions of those using the chapel for marriage after the cross’s removal and subsequent controversy.

p. But Kale insists that there has been no change in the quantity of wedding bookings.

p. “Nobody has cancelled because of the cross policy,” she said.

p. “The use of the cross is having no impact on the use of the chapel for weddings.”

GA acts on cross as students line up behind Nichol

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Our Campus United, an association of College students and alumni, held a press conference Feb. 5 asking SavetheWrenCross.org and national political figures to stop politicizing the debate over the presence of the cross in the Wren Chapel.

p. Our Campus United believes that the College community should come to a decision on its own regarding the presence of the cross, without the influence of outside political views and agendas.

p. “Not all members of Our Campus United agree on whether President Nichol’s decision was correct,” senior Nate Nichols, a member of Our Campus United, said. “Nor do we have a position on whether or not the policy change instituted by President Nichol should be retained or reversed. We believe that an honest discussion of this issue cannot happen unless we remove politics from that chapel.”

p. Members of the organization said that they believe SavetheWrenCross.org has turned what should be an on-campus, religious debate into a national, political debate by involving outside conservative figures including former Speaker of the House of Representatives Newt Gingrich, Fox News commentators and conservative writer Dinesh D’Souza.

p. The Virginia Gazette reported Feb. 7 that Virginia General Assembly Delegate Jack Reid (R–Henrico) is supporting legislation that would effectively force the College to return the Wren cross to its original position. Though the language is vague, mandating that “any building interior or exterior change, alteration or modification shall be restored to its original state with 45 days,” it is clearly aimed at forcing the College to restore the cross permanently to Wren Chapel.

p. “We wouldn’t want to speculate about the legislature’s intent. We don’t see [the College] in the language that’s before us. The legislature is still in session, so we’ll have to see where we are when the dust settles,” Stewart Gamage, vice president for public affairs, told the Virginia Gazette.

p. The General Assembly will consider the proposed amendment along with its other business beginning Wednesday, and a joint decision between the House and Senate will be reached before the session closes.

p. This congressional action mirrors the students’ concern that the Wren cross controversy has become overly politicized.

p. “Many of us believed this to be an issue of faith, something we needed to ‘fight’ for, when all the while it’s been a political battle, allowing outsiders to come to campus and use the honest faith of hundreds of students for political gain,” Kate Perkins, a senior and founder of Our Campus United, said.

p. Perkins added that not all Christians at the College support displaying the cross in the chapel at all times because many believe that they can follow God whether or not they are in the presence of a Christian symbol.

p. “We don’t need symbols to be Christians. This is our college community and [lawmakers] are using our college, my faith and our community as your pawns,” Perkins said.

p. Casey Shaw, a sophomore who signed the petition on SavetheWrenCross.org, does not believe that the debate over the Wren Cross involves many outsiders.

p. “I wouldn’t say it’s a strong outsider battle. I’d say that most of the ties and the interest and the issues have come from people that are either Virginia residents, students at the College or alumni.”

p. Shaw also believes that members of SavetheWrenCross.org have received no political gain in the debate and simply care about the campus.

SA Senators spar over pro-Nichol bill

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Tempers flared near the end of Tuesday night’s Student Assembly meeting because senators tried to leave the meeting to prevent a vote on a bill to throw SA support behind President Gene Nichol, a resolution that eventually passed. In order to vote on a bill, at least 15 senators must be in attendance.

p. When Sen. Andrew Blasi, a freshman, said he needed to leave — which would have put the SA below its 15-senator minimum — Sen. Meghan McCarthy, a senior, stood in front of the door and requested that he stay.

p. “McCarthy wasn’t physically keeping them in the room — no one was,” SA Vice President Amanda Norris, a senior, said. Norris, who presides over the Senate, added that she waited until Blasi said he was staying in the room on his own accord before she allowed the meeting to continue.

p. The bill passed with one senator abstaining and two voting no: Blasi and Sen. Chair Joe Luppino-Esposito, a junior. Norris, along with several sources connected with the SA who wished to remain anonymous, said that they believe Luppino-Esposito was somehow involved in the attempted quorum bust, an allegation that both Blasi and Luppino-Esposito deny.

p. “I was accused of it, and the people who accused me have taken it back,” Luppino-Esposito said. “There was no conspiracy.”

p. Blasi said that he had e-mails proving that the people who made those allegations admitted they were wrong, but he refused to share them with The Flat Hat because he didn’t want to escalate the situation.

p. He also said that Norris threatened to personally tell Nichol that he wouldn’t support him, an allegation confirmed by Sen. Matt Skibiak, a junior.

p. Two issues presented earlier at the meeting concerned the conditions of the campus environment. The New Campus Improvement Act, presented by freshman Senators Scott Morris and Andrew Blasi, was passed by the Senate after considerable deliberation concerning the subject. In attendance and in support of the act were six students from the Dupont and Botetourt residencies who were given the opportunity to voice their opinions as the senators presented the act.

p. The New Campus Improvement Act concerns the ground area immediately surrounding Dupont Hall, the Botetourt Complex and Keck Lab, which often becomes muddy and accumulates standing water, especially during the winter months.

p. “The campus is awesome … then you have that heap of mud, which is just not attractive,” freshman Chase Hathaway said.

p. “It would be so much easier if we just had a sidewalk,” added Dupont resident, freshman Eric Rydin.

p. As indicated by the title, the new legislation will improve these areas on New Campus, making them safer as well as more aesthetically pleasing. It proposes the addition of paved pathways connecting Dupont to the Commons Dining Hall, and a paved asphalt street leading from Dupont to the Keck Lab.

p. Although the act has been met with some opposition from environmentalists on campus, it gained unanimous consent from Student Life.

p. “The environment is very important, but when kids are falling on their faces, it is just not safe,” Sen. Scott Morris, a freshman, said. The act plans for improvements to be underway by April.
Also in review Tuesday night was the proposed Wetlands Bill, discussed in detail by Student Assembly President Ryan Scofield, a senior. The Wetlands Bill, if enacted, would allot $900 to the Student Environmental Action Committee for the planting of flowers in the swamp behind the Student Health Center.

p. However, the bill was vetoed by Scofield, who says he sees the proposal as “not entirely viable and [thinks] the chance of it failing is very very high.”

p. Scofield said he does not support the Wetlands Bill “not because of a lack of effort, or a lack of desire” on the part of SEAC, but simply because of the variability of the weather and the risk of losing the money invested in planting flowers when “sometimes it rains; sometimes it snows.”

p. Finally, there is the concern that if the bill were passed, the planting of flowers would generate excessive pollen, which would increase allergens on campus.

p. Additionally, Scofield expressed anxiety regarding the distribution of Student Assembly funds to an interest group for purposes other than student activities.

p. Although SEAC is a student-run organization, it has already received funds from the Student Assembly for other projects this year, such as the installation of a compactor behind the Commons.

Blackboard faces lawsuit over patents

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Blackboard Inc., makers of the popular e-learning tool Blackboard Academic Suite, may soon head to court to defend its patent on a range of e-learning materials. At issue is whether rival company Desire2Learn’s similar product violates the 2006 patent awarded to Blackboard.

p. In a lawsuit filed July 26, 2006, Blackboard alleged that Desire2Learn “uses, offers to sell, and sells within the United States … products and services that infringe [upon Blackboard’s patent], including, but not limited to all D2L products based on the D2L learning system or platform.”

p. Desire2Learn rejects these claims and, according to The Chronicle of Higher Education’s Dan Carnevale, will likely argue its case in court.

p. “We at Desire2Learn are unwavering in our position that the patent claims are invalid and unenforceable against Open Source [software], our competitors, and us, and that we do not infringe on the claims,” the company wrote in a Feb. 2 posting to its online blog.

p. A range of interested parties, including makers of rival products, open-source software advocates and higher education officials, are concerned that Blackboard’s patent is too broad and will hinder development of new technologies and innovation in higher education. Blackboard denies these claims.

p. According to Carnevale, “they are concerned that the patent could stifle innovation, especially among open-source vendors, such as Sakai and Moodle, which offer technology similar to Blackboard’s, but without demanding licensing fees.”
Blackboard president and CEO Michael Chasen defended the company in a Feb. 1 press release.

p. “As a member of the e-Learning community, we are committed to the open exchange of ideas, collaboration and innovation,” he wrote.

p. Desire2Learn responded in its blog: “If Blackboard were truly concerned about its customer base, Open Source, and education at large, it would welcome the [United States Patent Office’s] decision to re-examine the patent.”

p. Opponents of the Blackboard patent are hoping that the USPO’s review of Blackboard’s patent will result in the removal of the patent for some or all of the currently protected technologies.
Advocacy groups such as the Software Freedom Law Center, which represents several open-source firms, hope that the submission of evidence that similar technologies existed before Blackboard’s patent, or prior art, will cause the Patent Office to revoke Blackboard’s patent.

p. “The Patent Office found that prior art cited in SFLC’s request raises ‘a substantial new question of patentability’ regarding all 44 claims of Blackboard’s patent,” the SFLC said in a Jan. 25 press release on its website.

p. According to William & Mary Information Technology’s website, the College began using Blackboard in 1999.
“Blackboard (then called CourseInfo) was popular for its ease of use,” the website says.

p. Were the lawsuit against Blackboard successful, the company would lose some or all of the patents on its software suite. While this would open it up to competitors but Blackboard would continue to be able to market its product.

GA tables student voting rights bill

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Student Assembly Sen. Brett Phillips is puzzled. In Williamsburg, a city with strong historical ties to the start of American democracy, students lack a guaranteed right to register to vote.

p. Phillips, a junior, and Ross Grogg, a sophomore, traveled to Richmond Feb. 1 to lobby for House Bill 3200, sponsored by Delegate Melanie Rapp (R-96th District), which would have ensured Virginia students the right to register to vote in the locality of their colleges by allowing them to choose where they are domiciled. It was tabled until next year’s session by a subcommittee within the Privileges and Elections committee.
Now Phillips and other students who worked on behalf of the bill are considering legal action against the state.

p. “After two-and-a-half years of trying to be diplomatic and trying to appeal to the conscience of those in power, this may be an issue that needs to be decided in the courts,” Phillips said, adding that his first priority was to continue working on legislation.

p. “They didn’t kill it — they gave us an opportunity [to present the bill in next year’s session], and we’re going to take that opportunity.”

p. The potential lawsuit would likely challenge the current policy of local general voter registrars setting standards for student registration, a system College President Gene Nichol has repeatedly called unconstitutional because different localities use different criteria.

p. Recently, Williamsburg General Voter Registrar Dave Andrews altered his policy to allow students with Williamsburg driver’s licenses to register.

p. Despite the change, Phillips feels that legislation is necessary because inequality persists across the state. According to a March 28, 2006 article in the Richmond Times-Dispatch, students at the University of Virginia who apply to vote are almost always approved, while students at the University of Mary Washington are almost always denied.

p. Last year at the College, several SA senators teamed with the executive department of Public Affairs to draft legislation to standardize student voting in Virginia. Secretary of Public Affairs junior Seth Levey contacted student governments at other Virginia schools and encouraged them to endorse the HB 3200. Currently, 11 student governments have passed resolutions imploring the General Assembly to pass the bill.

p. “We’ve really been appealing to students throughout the commonwealth,” Levey said. “We had conversations with different students and got their take … and pretty much everyone was in agreement that there should be a standard code.”

p. In an unprecedented move, the bill won support from the College Republican Federation of Virginia and the Virginia Young Democrats. Leaders of both organizations co-wrote a Feb. 1 letter calling on General Assembly delegates to support the bill.

p. “Never before in our decades of coexistence have the Executive Boards of both … [the CRFV and the VAYD] eschewed partisan politics and worked together toward a common cause,” the letter reads. “That time is now.”

p. Some members of the Williamsburg community feel that because students reside in the city temporarily and don’t experience the long-term affects of policy, they should vote elsewhere. After a debate Oct. 4, 2006, U.S. Representative Jo Ann Davis (R-Va.) told The Flat Hat that although she has no stance on student voting, she does not understand why students are not content to vote absentee in their hometowns.

p. “The big concern [of Williamsburg residents] is that we’ll take over the town,” Phillips said. “But that’s not our agenda. We just want an equal voice with the rest of the city.”

p. In the subcommittee hearing Feb. 2, an early motion to send the bill to the full committee failed, leading to discussion of whether it should include out-of-state students. According to Phillips, Delegate Rapp believes the bill should affect all full-time students to avoid discriminating. Several legislators, however, argued that allowing out-of-state students to register to vote in Virginia could lead to a dispute over whether they should pay out-of-state tuition.

p. Eventually, legislators decided to table the bill until next session.

p. “The thing I struggle with is this is Williamsburg, Virginia, the birthplace of democracy, and we have trouble voting,” Phillips said. “It’s very difficult to get legislation passed in the General Assembly anyway — 80 percent of all bills fail. The fact that this bill didn’t fail, that it was tabled … was not a win, but it was not a loss.”

Safety concerns won’t guarantee alcohol amnesty

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Despite the new College alcohol amnesty policy, underage students who have been consuming alcohol may still be subject to arrest by campus police.

p. The new alcohol amnesty policy says that students who call for help if they or someone they know has been drinking excessively or irresponsibly, will not be charged with a violation of College alcohol policy. This policy, however, does not prevent arrests or the issue of summonses by police.

p. Monday, Jan. 22, a student in Barrett Hall called police and reported that his roommate was vomiting blood and required medical assistance. Both students were eventually issued summonses for alcohol violations.

p. “Police are dealing with violations of law, not College policy,” Vice President for Student Affairs Sam Sadler said. “No university official can tell an officer that he may or may not arrest.”
Campus police said that the police were never affected by the College’s policy change.

p. “The police have a different set of standards,” Chief of Police Donald Challis said. “However, we typically only arrest when a students behavior is incredibly bad or uncooperative.”

p. Challis explained that when the police take a report of any incident involving a student, they refer the report to the Dean of Students office. He said that most of the time, students are merely referred and not arrested.

p. “Typically, for every arrest, we make four referrals of students who could have been arrested, but weren’t,” he said.
Challis added that the amnesty policy has not changed much for the police force and that the policy does not require officers to act differently from how they have in the past.

p. “Typically, if a student is arrested, there is more to the story,” he said. “The student would have to be very uncooperative or we would have had to have seen them in a similar situation three or four more times.”

p. Sadler said that the amnesty policy should still encourage students to call if they or someone they know is in trouble.

p. “We want to take off the table the fear that a lot of students had if they, for example, were worried about a friend’s safety, but were also worried about whether or not they were going to get in trouble,” Sadler said.

p. He added that students should feel free to contact whoever is qualified to help when someone is in trouble.

p. “In most cases, the police don’t arrest,” Sadler said. “Typically, if someone is sick from intoxication, they’ll report it to us and we’ll just deal with it.”

p. Students who do call in under the policy will not be placed under judicial action.

p. “You might be referred for alcohol counseling,” Sadler said. “I hope people understand why the College would be interested in helping people to build some refusal skills and deal with issues they may have or not even know they have in a setting that doesn’t create a judicial record.”

p. Sadler said that the most severe punishment that most students would receive is a conference with the Dean of Students and participation in an alcohol educational program.

p. He added that the student alcohol task force is creating a webpage with a question and answer section that will help students bett

Sports in Brief

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**Football**

p. Head Coach Jimmye Laycock announced Wednesday that 16 players — 15 high school seniors and one college transfer — signed letters of intent to play Tribe football. The recruiting class features players from nine different states, with six athletes hailing from Virginia. The lone transfer, defensive back Robert Livingston, is coming to Williamsburg from Western Michigan University, where he was a reserve defensive back last year after redshirting the previous season. The class features eight linemen, several players who figure to fit in at the skill positions of wide receiver and running back, as well as a few who will be looked upon to contribute at linebacker and defensive back. The class features one quarterback, Terrance Schmand of Buffalo, N.Y.

**Women’s Tennis**

p. The Tribe cracked the top 25 of the Fila/ITA Rankings, coming in at no. 25. They began the season ranked 26th in the nation, but moved up a spot after knocking off the University of Virginia, the previous no. 25, by a score of 5-2 Jan. 28. The College will put their new ranking on the line this weekend as they compete in a three-game road swing, taking on the University of Illinois and no. 1-ranked Georgia Tech in Champaign, Ill., and then traveling to West Lafayette, Ind. to challenge the 35th-ranked Boilermakers of Purdue University.

Home Field Advantage: Uninvited guest brings frostbite, wind burn

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You know how when you throw a party you get really excited about the guest list? You even create a five-point algorithmic system to judge potential partyers, etc.? When party night comes, things are going great. Everyone’s having fun, everyone remembered his robot or monkey costume, the strobe light’s a huge hit and there are plenty of beverages to go around. But then, probably about halfway through the evening, you notice that unaccustomed guy hanging out in the corner, talking to your five-star invitees and sipping your malted beverages uninvited.

p. He has a smirk on his face as if to say, “Look at me, I’m above your silly party,” when everyone knows that section 6.788 of the Geneva Convention states “No one is, or can ever be, above the robot-monkey rule.” (Unbeknownst to many historians, this is the statute that ultimately led to Winston Churchill’s political demise.) Now, using a slightly distorted thought process, there is only one course of action to take in response to this profound slight: full-on aggression. So you go up to this guy, whom you have neglected to notice is several times larger than you, even without a costume, and say something nasty before giving him a hard shove.

p. Or at least it should have been hard, but the robot costume you’re wearing is pretty constricting so it comes out as more of a lame pat in the chest. All of a sudden, despite the haze that has descended over your cognitive abilities, you can sense a spark in his eyes. He wants to hurt you. Badly. In an attempt to defend yourself, you start swinging at him wildly with your arms, but, once again, the costume takes your ferocious punches and translates them into what can only be described as a controlled flail by all in attendance.

p. In a last-ditch effort to stave off serious bodily harm, you begin calling for help from your roommate who, in a final, ironic twist of fate, is named Will Robinson.

p. Alas, no help comes, and you suffer the ultimate indignity of being pummeled at your own party while wearing what amounts to a giant sardine can. You can’t wait to explain those Facebook pictures to future employers.

p. Why, you ask, did I write this long-winded intro, and just what the hell does it have to do with sports? Well, besides the fact that I’m now halfway to my word limit, and still haven’t written anything of substance, I told the above anecdote to prove how much I hate winter. Namely, Old Man Winter — the guy who comes to the party uninvited, stays way too long, and finally leaves, but not before turning you into a giant pile of whimpering, bruised flesh and tin foil. He hangs out for a while in the corner, smirking to himself, saying, “Why don’t you try … curling?” before cackling at the ridiculousness of winter sports in general.

p. It’s worse in Williamsburg than most places, too. We don’t get hockey, or ski jumping or any of the cooler winter sports. Less than a month ago I was wearing shorts, throwing the frisbee, thinking that we, as a human species, had finally outfoxed the whole nature thing. Little did

p. I know that winter was simply lying in wait, wanting our spirits as high as possible before swooping in to make everyone miserable. Just when you think that all of our sports are safe, it hits us. All of a sudden you can’t play baseball, football kind of sucks unless it’s snowing and trying to play tennis with the swirling winds we’ve been having is a practice in futility.

p. Something must be done. We must stand up together and voice our anger. Too long have we sat idly by while our friends and comrades have succumbed to wind burn and frostbite. I think that we, collectively, should just ignore winter altogether — wear shorts and sandals, go to the beach, the whole nine yards. Sure, he’ll get angry for a while and make everything awful, but that can only last so long. Soon enough he’ll lose interest and go bother some other, less tricky campus. So please, by all means, go and fight the good fight — the fate of the campus is in your hands. Spread the word; take the reins of this long overdue movement. The ball is in your court now. As for me, I think I’ll just sit in my heap o farms, legs and sheet metal to wait everything out — it’s kind of warm in here.

__Brad Clark is a sports columnist for The Flat Hat.__