Dear College of William and Mary Administrators,
Keeping astride of the recent Residence Life, Eastern Virginia Medical School merger discussions and Student Affairs changes occurring on our campus, I would like to take this opportunity to propose some suggestions. After three years here, I can attest to a serious level of expertise on almost every school-related subject, and I trust that my qualifications and knowledge will be regarded with the utmost seriousness.
Article 1: First, I would like to propose that professors lower the course expectations to reflect that of other Virginia institutions. As a result, most classes should now be changed in accordance with the following:
– Anything above a 75 should be automatically deemed a solid A.
– Class readings should reflect the new cost of printing in Swem and should not at any point exceed 10 pages per semester.
– Ratemyprofessors.com should be instituted as the governing body, with all professors subject to maintaining at least a 4.3 easiness rating. A hot pepper should be the highest achievement, with British accents taking precedence above all else.
– No two exams or papers should be scheduled on the same day. Failure to abide by the rule may result in the offending professor writing the paper or taking the test for the student.
– All of the rules mentioned above are non-negotiable and subject to stringent enforcement by the student body.
Article 2: Any school breaks and holidays henceforth are considered sacred and not subject to additional assignments. The following guidelines must be followed:
– Fall and Thanksgiving breaks must be respected, and no work must be assigned during the two weeks before and after each vacation.
– Student celebratory days, such as Halloween and St. Patrick’s Day, shall be deemed campus-wide holidays. On the latter, the Crim Dell should be dyed a brighter and happier shade of green than its current color.
– All other national holidays, such as Labor Day and Memorial Day, will be observed by staff and students alike. In order to make up for classes that already took place on Labor Day, all future holidays will include school-sponsored student trips to Busch Gardens.
Article 3: Beginning with the class of 2016, all present and future students attending the second oldest institution of education in the United States must be granted the following privileges:
– Preference in all job and internship applications, as well as higher salaries due to the obvious intelligence and superior capacity of our student body.
– A portion of Colonial Williamsburg’s revenues because tourists constantly hinder the student population by asking for directions, clogging our running paths on DoG street and failing to abide by the straightforward traffic rules of Confusion Corner.
– Worldwide publication of all our works and papers, as well as funding for every business recommendation and book analysis proposed by any student.
– Complimentary food from the following restaurants: Chipotle, Wawa, the Cheese Shop, the Trellis and Aroma’s, as well as any additional items deemed appropriate from Trader Joe’s and Target.
We hope you approach these recommendations with the utmost gravity, and we hope to receive approval for our suggestions by the next Board of Visitors meeting. We thank you for your time, and we look forward to instituting even more changes in the future.
Dasha Godunova is a Confusion Corner columnist and thinks she should be offered a Dean of Student Affairs & Proposals position upon graduation.