Behind Closed Doors: Total Takedown of Total Frat Move

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February 22, 2016

10:50 PM

There are two things I hate more than anything in this world: systematic racism and the patriarchy. And while the lovely Greek-biased website “Total Frat Move” probably offers up some microaggressional racism every now and again, it has come to be the bane of my existence with regards to its overt patriarchal and misogynistic messages.

My attention was recently brought to an article entitled, “50 Ways to Be The Perfect College Girlfriend.” After reading the article very publicly with my housemates, accompanied by many yells of disgust and gagging noises, I decided to pull together a few of my favorite quotations and make it very clear that TFM has standards that are not only unattainable, but incredibly misogynistic.

“6. There’s nothing less sexy than insecurity. Except maybe love handles.”

I find it extremely entertaining that a website that glorifies the “dad bod” also encourages the women they date to have perfect bodies without love handles. Do you know what contributes to the insecurity of women the TFM writers find so unattractive? TFM telling us that unless we are successful in these 50 completely unrealistic ways, we’ll never make our boyfriends happy — if we’re lucky enough to find one.

“20. Don’t look like you just rolled out of bed in class.”

Our pals over at TFM don’t seem to understand that class is actually about learning, not which Vineyard Vines outfit you’ve selected for the day. God forbid your girlfriend prefers the “sweatpants, hair tied, chillin’ with no makeup on” (shout out to Drake) look when she has to drag herself out of bed for her 8 a.m. Anatomy class. If your boyfriend says he’d prefer it if you were more made up on a daily basis, buy a few more pairs of sweats and really stick it to him.

“28. Eventually we’re going to ask you for a threesome. Either accept or divert our attention with a blowjob. No tantrum necessary.”

This is when I feel that the qualifications for “perfect college girlfriend” start to become particularly messed up. Now it’s not just about physical appearance, it’s about undermining the comfort and safety partners should feel when engaging in sex with one another. Making a big deal out of a sexual favor with which you don’t feel comfortable isn’t wrong. Your feelings are always valid, even if your frat star boyfriend tells you they aren’t.

“34. Keep your downstairs tidy.”

Number 34 was a sad one for me. It’s when I realized my downstairs would never be tidy enough for my college boyfriend to ever love me. You guys have heard me rant about pubes before and you know how I feel about it. Shave or don’t shave — whatever makes you comfortable. And if your boyfriend takes a peek and references Number 34, pull up your panties and leave. I promise you can find a man that loves your vagina for what it is, not the hair that grows around it.

“39. If you ask us how many people we’ve had sex with, you can’t get mad at the answer. Ignorance is bliss.”

“40. Lie about how many people you’ve had sex with.”

This one is quite the double whammy. Before we get into the hypocrisy and double standards of this statement, lets talk about the importance of being open about your “number.” While sexual history is a personal thing, it’s important to know a thing or two about your partner’s sexual history for the sake of sexual health. So, in this case, ignorance is not bliss. Ignorance could potentially put you at risk for a nasty case of chlamydia. On another note, no one should ever feel the need to lie about the number of people they’ve had sex with. And if your boyfriend gets up in arms about how high or low your number is, he’s not worth adding to the list.

”42. We hate condoms, and everyone hates abortions. You’re a grown up now, it’s time to get on the pill.”

If TFM thinks it’s time for college-aged women to grow up and get on the pill, I think it might be time for the sexist writers over at TFM to grow up and stop trying to police the female body. If safe sex turns a guy off that much, it might be time for him to stop searching for sexual partners and get cozy with his own hand. No one wants to have unprotected sex with a guy who wants you to lie about sexual partners, never ever complain, and pretend to like everything that he likes, including Natty Lite (that stuff is just gross).

Mallory Walker is a Behind Closed Doors columnist who needs to purchase a new keyboard after reading misogynist articles.

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  • Mallory W

  • Sam

    You need to find a better use for your time than writing a serious response to a 2 year old comedy article.

    • Brendan Mcdonald

      Its not a comedy article, its a very serious one. Also, the fact that she is standing up and addressing the issues is important and valid. You writing it off as a waste of time proves why its a necessity. So, thank you Mallory.

  • TurtlesAreCool

    Sorry to be a bit off-topic but this is a genuine question. Did you mean to write “systemic racism” instead of “systematic racism?” I see “systematic” used every now and then but it seems almost all discourse and research is on “systemic” racism.

  • Michael McKnight

    Or, you know, you COULD take a satirical list on a website literally nobody with an ounce of sanity takes seriously as a joke instead of acting like its supposed to be the be all end all of how men think. You also fall into sexism yourself don’t you? By generalizing all men who are involved in fraternity life? You’re probably the only person who has ever taken that list seriously and you wrote an article addressing a problem you made up yourself by taking the list seriously. Congratulations, you played yourself.