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Scorpio: Oct. 23 – Nov. 21You’ll have to keep yourself from punching those slow walkers in the back of the head. Don’t worry, the stars will make sure they receive their come-uppance. |
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Taurus: April 20 – May 20Don’t play into the media hype that president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is the most evil force in the world. That honor clearly goes to Parking Services. |
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Sagittarius: Nov. 22 – Dec. 21You knew that nutmeg-induced hallucinations were going to be strange, but you never thought Boris the Blade would propose to you. |
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Gemini: May 21- June 21You might be depressed over the Redskins’ week three loss, but it could be worse. You could be a Redskins fan who also reads “Harry Potter”. Talk about depressing. |
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Capricorn: Dec. 22 – Jan. 19If you get bored this week, try this: Go to flathatnews.com, register as anonymous to hide your identity and bitch about things that don’t concern you. |
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Cancer: June 22 – July 22You’ll be thankful for the Health Center this week when you hurt your neck trying to fellate yourself over how intelligent you sounded in class today. |
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Aquarius: Jan. 20 – Feb. 18You will decide this week to join the large group of people who are offended by our sex column. Not because you care, but because you never get laid. |
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Leo: July 23 – Aug. 22Yeah, you’re right: A blind man in a wheelchair could have finished the construction on Landrum Drive by now. |
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Pisces: Feb. 19 – March 20You just can’t seem to figure out that problem set, can you? Fear not; just ask Sam Sadler to form a committee, and within two years you may have results. |
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Virgo: Aug. 23 – Sept. 22This week, you will become motivated to change the College’s official color to red because of all the tape that surrounds every fucking thing on campus. |
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Aries: March 21 – April 19Your physics professor encourages curiosity, but he won’t know what to say when you ask him how Gene Nichol could pull off a five-minute keg stand. |
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Libra: Sept. 23 – Oct. 22Speaking of which, don’t be alarmed this week if you hear Gene Nichol announce our new mascot: the College Bureaucratic Clusterfucks. |
