Horoscopes (Sept. 28)

    Scorpio: Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

    You’ll have to keep yourself from punching those slow walkers in the back of the head. Don’t worry, the stars will make sure they receive their come-uppance.

    Taurus: April 20 – May 20

    Don’t play into the media hype that president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is the most evil force in the world. That honor clearly goes to Parking Services.

    Sagittarius: Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

    You knew that nutmeg-induced hallucinations were going to be strange, but you never thought Boris the Blade would propose to you.

    Gemini: May 21- June 21

    You might be depressed over the Redskins’ week three loss, but it could be worse. You could be a Redskins fan who also reads “Harry Potter”. Talk about depressing.

    Capricorn: Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

    If you get bored this week, try this: Go to flathatnews.com, register as anonymous to hide your identity and bitch about things that don’t concern you.

    Cancer: June 22 – July 22

    You’ll be thankful for the Health Center this week when you hurt your neck trying to fellate yourself over how intelligent you sounded in class today.

    Aquarius: Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

    You will decide this week to join the large group of people who are offended by our sex column. Not because you care, but because you never get laid.

    Leo: July 23 – Aug. 22

    Yeah, you’re right: A blind man in a wheelchair could have finished the construction on Landrum Drive by now.

    Pisces: Feb. 19 – March 20

    You just can’t seem to figure out that problem set, can you? Fear not; just ask Sam Sadler to form a committee, and within two years you may have results.

    Virgo: Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

    This week, you will become motivated to change the College’s official color to red because of all the tape that surrounds every fucking thing on campus.

    Aries: March 21 – April 19

    Your physics professor encourages curiosity, but he won’t know what to say when you ask him how Gene Nichol could pull off a five-minute keg stand.

    Libra: Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

    Speaking of which, don’t be alarmed this week if you hear Gene Nichol announce our new mascot: the College Bureaucratic Clusterfucks.


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