Behind Closed Doors: Going Ghost

Maybe you got a little too involved with that formerly weekend-only hookup or your friends-with-benefits pal has got you down. Whatever the pseudo relationship you’re looking to get out of is — man, have I got a plan for you. If you’re as non-confrontational as I am, you’ve probably heard one or two of these shake techniques before. But if your honesty policy hasn’t been doing so well as of late, maybe take some of my advice and avoid any emotional trauma altogether by going ghost.

According to Urban Dictionary, to “ghost” is to “disappear” by not calling, texting or talking to a certain person. As Urban Dictionary suggests, this move is typically reserved for hookups, pseudo relationships and friends. I would not suggest implementing any of your newly-discovered ghosting skills on someone you’re actually dating. Once boundaries are established in the form of exclusivity, it might be good to actually face your fears and confront the issues at hand. That being said, let me break down some other forms of ghosting you can utilize to get out of your more casual relationships.

The Traditional Ghost

As Urban Dictionary so eloquently explained, “going ghost” is a move typically used by friends with benefits or booty calls when they no longer want to associate with the other person. So, if you’re looking to go ghost in the most classic way possible, follow these simple steps: open your messages with this person; delete them all. Open their contact info; delete it. Never offer more than a half-hearted “hello” when you see them in public; never raise more than an elbow when waving. Keep effort minimal, like a ghost who has yet to rise from the dead.

Casper the Friendly Ghost

A dear friend of mine suggested this new, more compassionate version of the ghost you know and love. Instead of deleting your friend with benz from your life completely, slowly become more and more unavailable until the gradual fade out is complete.  The next time your booty call comes through with the classic “*eggplant emoji* *taco emoji* *winking emoji*” text, reply the next day with, “Sorry, I was totally passed out! Another time?” Keep the excuses coming until it is clear that your schedule is just too darn full for any social interactions.

The Transfer

This one requires a little bit more confrontation, but with a hefty reward. Sit down with your not-quite-bae and tell them that unfortunately you’ve decided to transfer schools. You’ve already withdrawn from all your classes, quit your job, and packed up your personal items. This really is goodbye – forever. Here’s the best part: you’re not transferring. Continue to go to class as if nothing ever happened. Go to Sadler during peak hours. Run into your ex-bae and don’t acknowledge his presence as he wonders why in the world you’re still around. Either he’ll think he’s delusional or that you’ve got a serious campus doppelganger.

The Exorcism

Here’s my personal favorite – however, it requires that you have a base minimum of acting experience (Introduction to Theater recommended). With tears in your eyes, tell that pseudo beau of yours that the past three months of your pseudo relationship have been a lie. Before the spring semester began, you were possessed by the spirit of 19th century serial killer Belle Gunness. You were just recently exorcised over spring break, when you realized the ghost of Belle Gunness was pursuing your beau via you only in order to kill them and take their valuables. This one works best on those who believe that ghosts really exist.

While ghosting might not necessarily seem like the nicest thing in general, as someone who has experienced ghosting from both ends I personally don’t see a problem with it. As college students, we’ve got enough on our plates without having to figure out how to “break up” with someone we’re not actually dating. Chances are you’re ghosting someone who’s just as busy as you are.

Mallory Walker is a Behind Closed Doors columnist who isn’t ignoring you, but is just super busy right now.



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