Disclaimer: this is not news. This is part of the Fat Head, a Flat Hat senior tradition in which the outgoing editors dunk on themselves, the College, and the student culture here. Again, this is not news. If you treat it as such, that’s on you. Any resemblance to characters, real or fictional, is purposeful and malevolent. We warned you.
Dear Reader,
It is that time of the year again where the NOVA students of the College of William and Mary emerge from their dorm rooms to host the Student Assembly Elections, and pretend that the rest of their peers ever gave a damn about them.
To the shock of the ton, for the first time in three election seasons the spot as the diamond of the campaign, SA’s student body president, finds itself contested. You mean to tell these two authors that someone actually desires the position?
Although we believed we had dried up our pens during last year’s season, this season took a drastic turn of events filled with fanfare, heated attacks, and Yik-Yak (oh my!), that we found ourselves dusting off our paper and coming out of retirement.
Before we move on to this season’s events, we have to wonder how last year’s diamond is faring. As she approaches the end of her reign, we can only imagine that her Madam President is quite done with the pitfalls and circle talk of the SA ton – Second only to these two authors of course.
She – like us – may forever find herself haunted by the knocking of knuckles against desks in an uncommon show of support and the constant explaining of the finances that make up SA’s large dowry. You would think that with over $750,000 in their coffers they might find it important to understand their spending process. Perhaps most tiresome, though, was the frequency of impeachment proceedings for those senators who did not possess the good sense to bless the Student Assembly with their presence on any kind of regular basis.
This year’s diamond, however, will have his work cut out for him as he attempts to use
his “outsider status” plus his three years of experience in Student Assembly to rouse any interest in SA among the student body. The task will be difficult, considering this season’s abysmal voter turnout rate … Less than a quarter of students found the energy to cast a vote in this year’s election. A statistic even less than the number of interesting men participating in the College’s Marriage Pact.
Looking at the ballot of contenders entering the season, the Presidential and Vice Presidential race followed the J and J (not to be confused with the vaccine of the same name) duo against Conner Mike Wazowski and Bryce Almighty, as well as surprised candidate Mikayla and her imaginary friend.
The J and J duo launched their campaign with their “live, laugh, love” marketing material… although some might argue there was no living, laughing, or loving during this campaign season.
Believing the J and J team dirtied their pure status, Connor Big Lebowski challenged the campaign in a duel of words saying quote “That wasn’t very cash money of you.”
Ultimately, the ton determined the J and J duo as the true diamond of the season, beating Konor agent kowalski. 114 voters decided to cast a vote towards lone wolf Mikayla.
These two authors have also been following along the down ballot races of the rest of the SA ton.
The race of the 2023 presidential contenders ended with no competition at all as the lovely Lady M became the most suitable match over return contender Sir O.
Replacing her predecessor who escaped her scandalous affairs to the Town of George, The 2024 Presidential candidate, although running unopposed, still found herself losing votes to those who didn’t even bother to cast one in her election. The remaining races for Senator positions and Class of 2025 President finished with quite boring results… at least by our standards.
All candidates ran on improving SA’s transparency despite many only using their Senator Instagrams once a year to announce how they will build the most transparent campaign the campus has ever seen. In a week they will disappear until next season when, like clockwork, their posts flood our feeds once again. Your authors often prefer this as our Groundhogs Day, but unfortunately your dear senators often see their shadows.
Some may perhaps argue that this was not the most scandalous election season, as others did contain stories of benches of romantic pursuit (not to be confused, of course, with the famed bench of the Four Picnic Tables and One Benchy Boi Act). But alas, we must keep the past in the past.
These authors would be amiss to not praise some of the accomplishments of the SA ton over these past four years.
For starters, Senators implemented the Robert Rules of Order. In a shocking result– given how much all of the Senators enjoy hearing the sound of their own voices– they were able to decrease their meeting to a mere hour compared to the long evening affair it once was. This reduction in time has allowed Senators to focus on more important matters like updating their LinkedIn profiles with their upcoming DC internships.
Furthermore, it has been quite a time since the Senators “intentionally” evoked a war between the College’s clubs and for that, we are proud of their progress. Although, given how often they like to cut media funding, they sure do lust after the Fat Head’s endorsement during campaign season. Not to mention how they often rely on our weekly letters to remind themselves of their own proceedings.
Lastly, we say goodbye to the seniors of the season and while we can make many comments on their four years in office, we wish for them to retire in peace as we are sure, like these authors, they are tired.
We now pass our quill down to the next, eminently qualified Lady FlatHatDown, but we thank you, gentle reader, for your readership over the past several seasons. These two authors are ready to retire from the hustle and bustle of Williamsburg – we do hear Hawaii is nice this time of year.
