Disclaimer: this is not news. This is part of the Fat Head, a Flat Hat senior tradition in which the outgoing editors dunk on themselves, the College, and the student culture here. Again, this is not news. If you treat it as such, that’s on you. Any resemblance to characters, real or fictional, is purposeful and malevolent. We warned you.
Monday, April 4, the College of William & Mary’s wellness center and CBD dispensary announced that it would be prescribing ivermectin for students diagnosed with COVID-19.
“It was an easy decision, because there’s absolutely no evidence that it works, but there isn’t evidence that it DOESN’T work,” Wellness Center representative Clare Mydia said in a statement scrawled on 18th-century papyrus.
This statement is categorically false, as proven through multiple FOIA requests to the university, which show emails with subject lines such as “Andrew Wakefield was right” and “nobody will get this reference, please take it out of the article.”
In addition to the Ivermectin, each student will also receive a complimentary DVD of Joe Rogan’s anti-vaccine screed, combining both an outdated mode of technology with problematic content in a way that only William and Mary can.
Alongside the questionable treatment, the Student Health Center will be administering sneezes directly in the mucous membranes of uninfected students. According to Flat Hat reporting, over 100 students have been sneezed on in the past 6 years.
“It’s better than a vaccine!” Mydia said.
Upon the Flat Hat’s criticism of this tactic, pointing out that the Wellness Center probably should not be encouraging sneezing on other people, Mydia protested.
“Listen, WE don’t sneeze on people. We send people to the state-sanctioned sneeze room where they get sneezed ON. There’s a difference!”
The Wellness Center also boasts its vast array of essential oils which serve as a panacea for sick students.
“And the best part is that if you recruit other people to get the essential oils, you get a cut of the profits,” Mydia said. “We don’t see anything wrong with that at all, why are you pointing to a diagram of a pyramid?”
From Flat Hat investigative reporting, we can conclusively prove that the Wellness Center is also receiving funding from the Sackler family, whose devastating promotion of opioids caused a crisis across the United States.
In leaked emails uncovered by our news team, Vice President of Wellness Suitman McGee contacted the Sackler family with one plea: “please get these students to shut the fuck up.”
Heavily drugged and smelling like peppermint oils, the William and Mary student population is healthier than ever, despite the fact that they all desperately need therapy for their daddy issues. Unfortunately, the therapy wait time is currently over 5 years, meaning that “that guy” in your government class won’t stop being an insufferable dickhead for many years to come. But hey, some grapefruit essential oils may help.