FAT HEAD: Note from the ombuds, man: This issue is satire – don’t email me.


Disclaimer: this is not news. This is part of the Fat Head, a Flat Hat senior tradition in which the outgoing editors dunk on themselves, the College, and the student culture here. Again, this is not news. If you treat it as such, that’s on you. Any resemblance to characters, real or fictional, is purposeful and malevolent. We warned you.

If you have the capacity to do so, imagine the following scenario: I don’t give a shit. After a year of hearing your complaints and comments, oh dear and exalted general public, I have come to the conclusion that you all suck. And I do mean suck. You demonstrate absolutely no media literacy to the point that I even wonder if you’ll understand that this is a satirical issue of the Flat Hat (look it’s even called something else!). It’s almost like your god has forbidden you from the sweet apple of critical thinking skills. I don’t know what’s in the water here but it is dumb dumb juice.

If you can understand that, finally, you have broken my will and attitude of professionalism – that pesky veneer which kept me from speaking my mind these past months – then understand that I mean I truly, truly don’t give a shit. Congrats you found a typo. Oh no way we accidentally got your class year wrong? Wait, so you’re telling me that it’s so personally offensive to you that some unpaid and overworked peer of yours trying to do college journalism at a school with little to no relevant infrastructure got a detail wrong about your six-person club that you’re gonna email me about it?

Ok now that we got the staff off my back and the crazies out of the way I can finally tell you what you should be really worried about at this paper: snake people. See I was just pretending to be mad for the pretense of the article. I know that no one reads these past the headline and first few lines so I think I’m safe now. The staff would be so mad that I said something – this is Snowden-level whistleblowing, folks. Clues have been left everywhere and no one has noticed. April 18, 2018 an article had the correction “An earlier version of this article mistakenly replaced the word “millennial” with “snake person” in a quote from Ben Lambert ’19. This was due to a satirical word replacement browser extension installed on the news editor’s version of Google Chrome and not an implication that 38 percent of Williamsburg residents are reptilians.”

Ok ok hear me out this may sound crazy but snake people have taken over the Flat Hat. You know who wrote that article I just quoted? None other than Caleb Rogers, Williamsburg Councilmember Caleb Rogers. I don’t know if he’s in charge or what. Maybe he’s been replaced by a snake person and that’s how he rose to power. Or maybe he’s just one of them and slipped up in writing snake people the first time.

But wait it gets worse. So much worse. I wrote an article this year about corrections at the Flat Hat and guess what? Snake people popped up again! I didn’t write it in there but every time I changed it, it would change back. Deep state Flat Hat is so deep that even I may be compromised by the snake people. I’m not sure if I’m even human or snake because I am frequently cold and do like the sun.

My correction had to be issued for both the correction and my own article, saying “An earlier version of this article contained a typo “…replaced the word “snake person” with “snake person” in a quote…” It has been updated to say “…replaced the word “millenial” with “snake person” in a quote…” correcting the error both in this article and the original.”
Ok so after like literally months of work I figured out that Claire Hogan, our so-called Editor in Chief (what a joke), was the head of the snake people. How do I know? She was the one logged on to the website when the changes were made. Folks this is incontrovertible evidence that the snake people are taking over the Flat Hat and influence the student body towards their agenda.

You may think that I’ve worked myself into a bit of a catch 22 with this article. That is, I’m telling you to believe me when I say this issue is filled with lies. Is this also a lie and everything else the truth? No, again you’re drinking dumb dumb juice. Wake up sheeple before you get eaten whole by a snake person. They are your friends and loved ones, your professors and administrators. If you don’t hear from me again then you can consider this my final writing before they finally got to me. It’s been two years since I joined the Flat Hat with my singular goal of exposing the snake people and I can die in peace now.
If you have any questions or comments please email kelly.crace@wm.edu



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