If you are a pre-med student who has already been accepted to medical school, then stop reading this article. This article is not for you. Similarly, big-shot-accountant-in-the-making, secure in your offer for next year, which included a signing bonus — much to the surprise of yours truly, who thought that only people with names like Derek Jeter got “signing bonuses” — I’m going to have to ask you, kindly yet firmly, to put the paper down and back away. The same goes for computer science majors, business students and all of you who decided to forgo two to four years of interesting classes in order to get a job devoid of the workplace dangers of misspelled nameplates, awkwardly fitting khaki uniforms and oil burns from the fryer.

If, on the other hand, you are a jobless English student, let me say, “Welcome.” To the wingtipped government student, unfairly unemployed women’s studies major and disinterested philosopher, I applaud your audacity. And, of course, let me not forget those who went the route of interdisciplinary studies: Who knew that the market would dry up for students majoring in Byzantine Pornography?

I welcome you, not to celebrate the originality and free spirit that drove us to our unique and interesting fields of study, but so that, when you stop reading this article and return to slamming your head in the door, you’ll know you’re not alone.

The reason for our collective frustration (not to mention head trauma)? Well, it seems the U.S. economy has put up a sign in its front window that reads “Liberal Arts Majors Need Not Apply.”

For many, this is no surprise. For many, studying English, history or music would make as much sense as studying to be a cooper or blacksmith in the current economy (much, much less sense in Williamsburg, actually — the only city in the country where coopers still outnumber lawyers). Those are the people with no sympathy for the plight of the liberal arts major, which is exactly why I told them three paragraphs ago to stop reading this article. I meant it.

For the rest of us — and hopefully all of us who are still reading — this fact has caught us with our figurative dungarees at our ankles. I like to think that this has something to do with a certain belief in the American Dream. Somewhere inside of us there’s a voice promising that, so long as we employ a tireless work ethic, we’ll rise to the pinnacle of our field. But as we enter the homestretch, laboring on our theses, due in three months — tentatively titled: “McPygmy: Globalization and the Sexual Practices of the Katawabi Albinos” — we see Johnny Baseball Cap instead of an image of success, one who touts an attendance record akin to a batting average and who has been known to wear the same vomit-soiled shirt for several unwashed weeks at a time. We notice him because, due to a surprisingly keen decision regarding his major made just a few years earlier, he has laid claim to the aforementioned signing bonus. One shudders at the thought of his future casual Fridays. (Is that a fair, or even slightly true, representation? No, of course not. I love baseball hats.)

The above observations, in my case, raise a series of questions — betraying, of course, a fundamental curiosity that fueled this descent into liberal arts marginality: Is health care really important? What countries have a more complete social welfare system than the United States and would freely accept a student who spent the better part of the last year writing an 80-page paper exploring the implications of differing fried chicken chains in the American South? Can one collect unemployment without having ever been fully employed?

Of course, when I stop to think about what my liberal arts major has meant to me, I’m reminded of the naive young person I was when I arrived at the College of William and Mary. I think of the enormous strides that have been made in the name of the old cliche: My mind has been strengthened as I went about “learning to think.” Most of all, I think of my courses and friends. I know, job or no job, that I am a deeper, better and more finely attuned person due to the trials I have undergone throughout my undergraduate years.
Who am I kidding? I guess I could teach … Fuck it. I’m moving to Sweden.

__Brad Clark is a Confusion Corner columnist. He wants to warn the ER of incoming students with head trauma.__

When asked to name an alumnus who is both famous and hilarious, almost any student at the College of William and Mary would jump to say Jon Stewart ’84. This, however, is not the only applicable answer. Who else could be as funny and as well-known an alumnus as “The Daily Show” frontman, himself? Well, come Thursday, Bill Lawrence ’90, the creator, producer, director and writer of the hit TV series “Scrubs,” will be here to answer that question.

Alma Mater Productions and The Virginia Informer are co-sponsoring “An Evening with Bill Lawrence” this Thursday.

Lawrence, best known for his work with “Scrubs” since its premiere in 2001, also produced the popular television show “Spin City” from 1996 to 2002.

The event sprung from an interview written by Steven Nelson ’10 with Bill Lawrence that appeared in the Informer last year.

“Once we determined he had an expressed interest in coming to William and Mary, we approached AMP for their assistance in putting the event together, and they were glad to do so,” Andrew Blasi ’09, editor in chief of the Informer, said.

AMP and the Informer have worked with both the Earl Gregg Swem Development Staff and various alumni to bring Lawrence to campus since the spring of 2008.

The event will begin with a lecture from Lawrence about both his time at the College and his career experiences and will be followed by a question-and-answer session. Lawrence will provide commentary on scenes from the most recent season of “Scrubs.”

A film competition is being held in conjunction with Lawrence’s visit. AMP received more than 20 film submissions for the contest. Students have entered short films which AMP judged based on elements such as production values, narrative, cinematography and creativity, according to Giuliana Morales ’10. She is one of many AMP members involved in planning Lawrence’s visit and is one of the heads of the film competition. Morales explained that the panel of judges for the competition consisted of both Swem Media Center and AMP representatives. Lawrence will announce the winner at the end of Thursday’s event and then show the winning film. The prize for winners of the film competition includes $100 and a signed copy of the recent “Scrubs” season.

Two of the main “Scrubs” characters, J.D. and Turk, are alumni of the College in the show. “I am a big fan of his work, and I like the fact that he made his characters in ‘Scrubs’ alumni of William and Mary,” Lauren Vick ’12, a self-described “Scrubs” enthusiast who plans to attend the event, said.
Members of both AMP and the Informer are expecting the event to generate a lot of student interest and took the extra steps to prepare for a crowd.

“AMP is expecting to pack the Sadler Center Commonwealth Auditorium,” said Morales. “We have prepared for a large turn out by reserving an overflow room.”

“An Evening with Bill Lawrence” will be held at 7 p.m. in the Commonwealth of the Sadler Center on Thursday. The event is free.

Welcome back to campus, nymphs and satyrs. I hope this winter Tuesday finds you well, and sexually satisfied. I have to admit, I missed writing the column over winter break. Sexual experiences don’t stop just because you lose your loyal readers. With that in mind, I’d like to share a story from New Year’s Eve that I think has implications for many of us in our sexual lives.

This Dec. 31, I found myself at a bar with a group of my girlfriends. Somewhere in the course of the night, a close friend — let’s call her Alisa — approached my boyfriend about having a threesome. Taken aback, flattered and, most likely, aroused, he hardly knew what to say. Alisa went on to recount her experience with a past boyfriend engaging in a threesome. My boyfriend redirected her to me for the final decision.

I, too, very flattered at the proposition, was pretty sure she was joking. I laughed and brushed it off. It was only later when I compared notes with my boyfriend that I realized she had been serious. I figured it had been a long night of drinking and decided not to bring it up to her again, except that the very next night she made another joke about having sex with me and my man.

It was pretty clear it wasn’t a joke.

The experience left me in awe at Alisa’s willingness to put herself out there. How often is it that someone has the balls to breach such a topic? I’d chock it up to liquid courage the first time, but the second time was pure, sober gumption.

We all come to a point in our sexploits when we’re ready to try something new, but we’re unsure of how to bring it up. Alisa’s approach may not be the best in all situations, but you have to admire her for making her desires clear.

Maybe you’re ready to slide into home base, take a ride on the Hershey highway or try autoerotic asphyxiation. No matter what it is, you’re going to have to make your partner(s) aware of your intentions.

The simplest, but most assaulting, way of doing this is to just do it without saying anything. This solution is specious. It may be easy, but it’s not likely to elicit a positive response. I’d be surprised if, upon your penetration into her anus and not her vagina, your partner screams with glee.

Another way is to just flat out bring it up like Alisa. For the sexually adventurous, this technique may go over well. Once you make your desires clear, other people will feel more comfortable expressing theirs. The least awkward way to do this is to make it a joke. “How funny would it be if I put it in your butt?” That way, your partner can shrug it off without losing face. Obviously, you have to eventually make clear that you’re not kidding.

For my money, I think a combination of the verbal and physical approaches is the best way to bring things up. During a routine sexual encounter, caress your lover’s butt, without penetrating. Take stock of how they respond. Try this a few times then broach the topic verbally. Always leave room for him or her to say no. And if this is within the confines of a relationship, never pressure your partner by accusing him or her of not caring about you if the case is that he or she is unwilling to engage in the act.

If you want to try something during a one-night stand, things are a little more complicated. The technique most likely to succeed is speaking in code. If your mate understands what you’re talking about, they’re probably up for it. Take as an example a story from a friend of mine: While hooking up with a guy, she asked him if he liked to go skiing. He awkwardly replied that he did and continued to hook up with her. If he had understood that “go skiing” is slang for “do coke,” he would not have thought the question was awkward. People who belong to societal subgroups — such as cocaine users — know the code words for their preferences.

As for trying something new on your own, it’s just a matter of convincing yourself that it’s okay. Experimentation is always fine as long as it’s safe. If you want to put a finger in your derriere while you rub your Eiffel Tower, just take a deep breath and give it a try. No one has to know if it turns out that you don’t like it.

Everyone finds themselves at sexual precipices once in a while. The best thing to do is pick a technique for talking to your partner or convincing yourself and jump right in. You never know what something’s like until you try it. And you just might find a better, faster, stronger way to get your rocks off.

__Maya Horowitz is the Flat Hat sex columnist. She speaks some codes fluently.__

New York, NY — Quick, think of a brand of top-shelf vodka. Even for a college student, an excess of names pop to mind: Absolut, Grey Goose, Stolichnaya, Belvedere.

Now think of a top-shelf gin — not so simple.

This gap in the market was just the opportunity for Anshuman Vohra ’00 to ditch his finance job and launch his own company. Bulldog Gin, which hit shelves two years ago this month, provided something obviously lacking in the gin market: a modern premium gin.

Gin has a reputation for being old-fashioned, if not downright stuffy. It tends to evoke images of old men sipping gin and tonics in smoky backrooms more often than urban 20-somethings indulging in cocktails in trendy nightclubs. And yet the latter group was just the market Vohra’s company sought. Currently the gin is sold in the United States (the New York area, Florida and Georgia) and Western Europe.

“We began knowing a few key points,” Vohra said. “We wanted it to be very high-end, imported from England.” Sitting in Bulldog’s one-room SoHo office, Vohra described the company using words like genuine, authentic, stylish and, perhaps most important, mixable.

Gin, which Vohra explained is more or less flavored vodka that has developed its own identity, is flavored with juniper. The often intense pine taste may be what often turns people off, especially among a crowd looking for more complex, flavorful drinks.

Gin seemed a difficult push primarily because of people’s hesitation to it. “It used to be a vodka world in the ’80s and ’90s,” Vohra said. Since the arrival of Bulldog Gin in stores, he’s noticed much less resistance to the spirit. “There’s been a renaissance in gin.”

Instead of relying heavily on juniper, Bulldog boasts an assortment of more exotic flavors including poppy, dragon eye and citrus. “It’s a nice melange of botanicals that adds to the taste,” Vohra said.

This unconventional combination has made Bulldog a hit among those who create drinks for a living.

“My favorite part is going to accounts: mixologists and bartenders,” Vohra said. “New York bartenders do some of the most exotic things.”

After graduating from the College of William and Mary nine years ago, Vohra took a job as an analyst at JPMorgan Chase. “It was all I thought about in college because I knew I wanted to go into finance,” he said. Though he spent his college days “resolutely focused on finance,” both as president of the BBA associaton and as a member of Finance Academy, Vohra said he always intended to move to something more entrepreneurial later in life.

Having worked on deals advising mergers and acquisitions of smaller companies during his Wall Street days, Vohra realized that was the way to find both more money and increase satisfaction in his life. He credits his banking background with setting him up for success. From creating a business plan and attracting investors, to managing production and dealing with sales representatives, he had the skills to turn the high-end gin concept into a reality.

Bulldog Gin is the product of a friend’s idea that Vohra jumped on after a series of finance jobs. “Neither of us knew how to get it done,” he said. “I had no experience beyond recreational consumption.” He networked to find people with more expertise, and began contacting potential investors.

Vohra emphasized the importance of cultivating on-campus relationships both with students and faculty. “Some of my first investors were friends from college,” he said.

The name Bulldog was one of many thrown out during an early brainstorming session. Growing more animated as he spoke, Vohra extolled the perfection of the name. “It seemed to embody the brand,” he said. “Our name is one of our best assets.”

The distinctly British image provided a strong theme for what has developed as quite a cohesive brand. The bottle, a dusky gray and rather stout, boasts a spiked collar around its imposing neck.

“The magic’s in the bottle,” Vohra said. “It’s all about the bulldog.”

**Ever after?**
Looks like Charlie’s Angels are on the outs. Former BFFs Cameron Diaz and Drew Barrymore were obviously cold to each other at the Golden Globes. According to Ok!, Drew hasn’t been able to walk a mile in Cam’s shoes since some very bad things happened to the blonde diva last year. While the “Shrek” star dealt with the death of her father, lucky Drew’s frequently been kissed by a series of younger men from Jason Segel to Ed Westwick.

**A mighty heart**
Despite having already selected a new BFF, Paris Hilton has offered her services once again. This time, Life & Style reports the lucky contender is no other than Angelina Jolie, a soul clearly starved for companionship. “She’s strong and gorgeous and uses her fame for good,” Paris said, noting their similarities. “I’d have a lot in common with her.” Even with Mr. & Mrs. Smith reportedly bickering more frequently, we’re not sure Paris’s friendship is something Angie ever wanted.

**Dr. Clooney to the ER**
George Clooney is set to return to his roots in the long-awaited final season of “ER.” People magazine reports rumors that the Fug Girls’ Intern George, who owes his career to a five-year stint on the show, will return as his character Dr. Doug Ross for an undetermined number of episodes. Clooney last appeared in a 2000 cameo. Trying to keep the appearance a secret, NBC and Warner Bros. representatives refused to comment, as did Clooney’s publicist.

**NYC chamber of secrets**
Marc Jacobs and his boyfriend Lorenzo Martone have bought an apartment in the same building as ‘Harry Potter’ star Daniel Radcliffe. Already a fixture in New York’s social scene, the designer and his rumored fiancée plan to settle into their SoHo apartment. The legendary playboy, toned down of late, has made a splash as the essence of Marc Jacobs infects the popular celeb abode.

__John Weeks wears a twist of yellow material on his wrist. When I ask about it, he recalls his recent trip to the Dominican Republic and explains how the yellow band represents his time spent with the College of William and Mary’s Student Organization for Medical Outreach and Sustainability that is based on the Caribbean island. As he puts it, the band is “a constant reminder of all of the people in my heart: the Dominicans, my teammates and what I want for myself.” John also encourages service and research as a member of Beta Theta Pi and Health Outreach Peer Educators. Academically, his neuroscience and Hispanic Studies background, coupled with his admiration for celebrated public health humanitarian Paul Farmer may set him up for a career in public health in a place where people cannot always help themselves. Before I knew it, I learned about farmers in Loudon County, aggressive pet roosters and what it is like to be interviewed by Jim Lehrer.__

**I hear you had a colorful upbringing. Can you tell me about it?**

I’m from Western Loudon County. I actually lived in a town called Paeonian Springs, which consists of about 80 people and a post office. Honestly, it’s not like much of anything, just a stop off the side of the highway with a lot of cows. Loudon County is actually one of the fastest-growing in the country in the nation, so every time I go home it’s different. Stuff that used to be big fields is now malls.

**Did you have any pets growing up in the country?**

We had a rooster for a while named Roger. He was one of those experiments in an elementary school class where you have chicks and then hatch them. We got to take him home, and then he grew up to be a full-sized rooster. He was very bonded with our family and very aggressive. The postman even had a baseball bat he would use to fend him off. That was probably our oddest pet, except we had a baby squirrel that we raised named Acorn that fell out of a tree when it was still pink and furless. And then he got old and ate all our books. We had all these books that he gnawed on the spines of.

**Any memories that stand out from the small town?**

Well, I worked on a farm for four years. My little sister’s best friend’s parents owned a farm, and they were looking for a strapping young lad to work on it, so I stepped up to the job of strapping young lad. It was the most random thing, but a really cool farm, actually. We grew hydroponic vegetables. A lot of my job was working on the farm and then going to sell in the markets in [Washington, D.C.]. I got to meet a lot of happening chefs who would use our stuff. Our product was featured on “Emeril Live.” I even got interviewed by Jim Lehrer on PBS for it. He was doing a special on farmers’ markets, and he came by and talked to me, just briefly. I don’t know if I actually made it on the show, but it was kind of fun. At the time I was working like two or three different jobs. I worked at an awesome Mom and Pop video store and also at the Target customer service desk, which made me want to kill myself. I think the farming job was my favorite. I liked being able to do my own thing, and I got to make my own specials or tell people “this head and this head make a nice salad together.”

**I bet you can make a mean salad now.**

Yeah, actually. I know more than anyone needs to about gourmet cooking, and I got really into it. I used to read these hoity-toity cooking magazines so I could talk to people about what they were buying since a lot of people in D.C. were really, really into it. If you can talk intelligently about it, you can sell more.

**Still cook?**

Yeah, I really like to cook. Since I’ve been here I haven’t had a lot of time to cook, but I’ve gotten really into baking stuff. The last couple of semesters have been all about making bread. I guess it’s not something people would know about me or guess about me. I really like whole wheat, honey breads or breads with berries and nuts in them. Hearty breads.

__John Weeks has an impressive range of talents. From the kitchen to the farmyard to the Caribbean, he can feed and lend his smarts and hard work to those around him. As for the moment, you can find him studying for the LSAT in the Grind or baking a loaf of bread in the Unit M kitchen for some very appreciative Betas.__