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Iron & Wine breaks lo-fi shell on ‘Dog’

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Over the last five years, Sam Beam has been a model of consistency. He has released two full-length albums and numerous EPs under his Iron & Wine moniker, all of which featured finger-picked folk guitar in an intimate setting accompanied by his signature deep, husky, almost whisper of a voice. He gained national attention via his cover of “Such Great Heights” on the “Garden State” soundtrack, and his 2004 album “Our Endless Numbered Days” was near the top of many best-of lists for that year.

p. However, there have been signs of change for Beam. His last EP, “Woman King,” was the first to feature full-band instrumentation and had a much more polished production value than anything before “Endless Numbered Days.” Iron & Wine’s latest release, “The Shepherd’s Dog,” follows the EP’s lead and is filled with a much wider range of instruments and compositions than any of Beam’s previous works.

p. For many artists, especially those so reliant on the close-knit, lo-fi ambience that Iron & Wine once fully embraced, a change like this would be dangerous, even fatal to the artist’s eventual output. However, this album is less a step out of character for Iron & Wine than a growth into a larger world; Beam’s songwriting shines brightly in his most expansive and experimental album yet, helped by the new arrangements and accompaniments.

p. The opener “Pagan Angel and a Borrowed Car” starts familiarly, with a lo-fi sound opening into an upbeat country tune and Beam singing “Love was a promise made of smoke / In a frozen copse of trees.” But from there, the song expands, featuring rolling piano and violin as Beam weaves a story about dirty pews, drunken kings and outlaw angels. The song opens the floodgates to an entirely new place, and Beam leads us through this Southern Gothic universe over the next 45 minutes.

p. The best songs are the ones that stick out from the usual Iron & Wine fare, which stand as proof that Beam’s adventurousness serves him well. “White Tooth Man” opens with a sitar and soon explodes into a paranoid, absurdist detective story. “Carousel” has more atmosphere than any Iron & Wine song to date, and Beam’s double-tracked voice is more haunting than ever, floating above the finger-picked guitars like its own apparition. “Boy with a Coin,” with its slow stomping beat and lyrics of alienation and despair, is truly the most depressed Beam may have ever sounded, and the song shines through as the album’s best.

p. “The Shepherd’s Dog” even includes a few hints at electronic influences (“House By the Sea”), as well as a few true rockers (“Wolves”) that are more upbeat and closer to happy tracks than anything else Iron & Wine has ever released.

p. The musical variety allows Beam to cover more thematic ground than ever before, and thus the album seems to cover more literal ground as well. Beam’s early work traveled from the bedroom to the farmyard, with few places in between (besides the occasional visit to the graveyard). “The Shepherd’s Dog,” however, is an aural trip across the American South, encompassing folk, blues, early rock ’n’ roll and every combination thereof.

p. Keeping the entire album grounded, however, is Beam’s small roar of a voice, usually just above a whisper but always full of vitality and meaning. It is what truly makes an Iron & Wine album unique and enjoyable: That deep, quiet sound implies a gained knowledge through pain or experience, much as Dylan’s voice does, and here he sounds as much a wandering scholar of Americana as an early-1960s Robert Zimmerman.

p. No longer can Iron & Wine’s songs be defined by their similarity to Beam’s lone contribution (a cover of an inferior songwriter, nonetheless) to that milquetoast indie, paint-by-numbers record that is the “Garden State” soundtrack. Instead, with this wider palette, Beam has freed himself to be judged by the strength of his compositions and narratives, and “The Shepherd’s Dog” pushes him into the stratosphere of today’s storytelling greats.

‘Sydney White’ lacks fairy dust

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Before I begin this review, I’d like to personally thank Starbucks for the grande Americano which kept me awake and receptive for the 90 minutes required to watch “Sydney White.” Without it, I would have lost consciousness about 45 seconds in, right after the film’s first cliche. Starring Amanda Bynes (“Hairspray”) as the title character, this latest addition to the catalogue of humorless teen comedies transplants a beloved Disney princess from fairy tale to freshman year of college. The film attempts to update the classic story of Snow White, but bad acting and unoriginality make for a sleepy and dopey miss at modernization.

p. Let’s start with what “Sydney White” does best. It’s entertaining to see how the filmmakers chose to update such a well-known story.

p. Our heroine is now tomboyish and gawky rather than innocent and pristine, and the spooky fairy tale forest she wanders through is the familiar college campus. The evil queen is now Rachel Witchburn (Sara Paxton, “Aquamarine”), a sorority girl whose magic mirror is an online ranking of the campus’s hottest undergrads. The seven dwarves are now seven dorks who befriend Sydney after her expulsion from Witchburn’s bleached blond kingdom of Kappa Phi Nu. And of course Prince Charming is tossed in as Tyler Prince (Matt Long, “Ghostrider”), the hunky frat boy who falls for Sydney.

p. The filmmakers also include plenty of verbal references to the fairy tale, the funniest example occurring when the seven dorks march past Witchburn with a sarcastic greeting of “Hi, ho.” These allusions are generally amusing, and there is real humor in seeing Sneezy rendered as a nasal spray-huffing hypochondriac. However, that’s not enough to save ‘Sydney.’

p. This brings us to what the movie does wrong. It is depressing to watch such a clever idea stray from the creative to the cliche.

p. Throwing in tired character sketches, such as the potbellied meathead, the angry and marginalized blogger and the insecure male virgin, might satisfy a sixth grader’s concept of college identity, but lends nothing to a modernization of “Snow White.” Also, the film’s noticeable lack of racial diversity, coupled with its obsession with physical beauty (in one scene Witchburn criticizes each of the Kappa pledges in turn for problems including bad skin and weight gain), caused this reviewer to wonder why “Sydney White” was not simply set in a high school.

p. The boring plot additions cement the overall juvenile feel of the film and detract from the fairytale magic. After Sydney is kicked out of the Kappa sorority, she begins a campaign to beat out Witchburn in the race for student body president. The film makes it clear that whomever wins the election will have final say over the fate of the Vortex, a disintegrating housing unit that’s home to the seven dorks.

p. Sydney, like any of the countless movie heroines who have walked this plotline before her, relies on the power of friendship in her battle against her evil rival. Yawn. There’s also some mention of the importance of being yourself and embracing your inner dork, but at this point my Americano is wearing off and I’m officially unimpressed.

p. While I did enjoy the update from murder to social sabotage, Witchburn’s fury is completely cartoonish and not at all intimidating; she’s no match for the classic villainesses with whom we all grew up. In fact, in almost every respect, “Sydney White” falls way short of leaving an impact.

p. And whose fault is that? I hate to say it, but “Sydney White” suffers from a serious lack of talent. Paxton does her best at ice-cold wickedness, but comes across as a “Mean Girls” knockoff. Often racing through her lines, Paxton seems to think that ending each sentence with a stony glare would be enough to impart Witchburn’s vindictive quest to expose Sydney as the dorkiest of them all. Crystal Hunt (CBS’s “Guiding Light”) giggled through her role as the overexcited Southern belle roommate, exhausting her role as sorority pledge within her first minute of screen time.

p. And what about Bynes? Surely this television veteran exhibited more acting chops than her female costars. Wrong. Bynes was nasal and robotic in her portrayal of Sydney; clumping around the set, making cutsey faces at boys and whining about Witchburn. Bynes has exhibited considerable comedic ability on shows like “What I Like About You,” which makes her crude and downright unattractive turn as Sydney all the more depressing.

p. All in all, “Sydney White” is one poisoned apple. Its worn-out plot devices and uninspired acting performances drag down what could have been a clever, tongue-in-cheek update of a favorite fairy tale.

Cham raps to ‘Victory’

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With his biggest hit, “Ridin,’” Southern-style rapper Chamillionaire raked numerous awards (Grammy, BET Hip-Hop Awards), becoming a household name from the Houston rap scene with his very angry and bitter first album, “Sound of Revenge.” But with his sophomore album, “Ultimate Victory,” his mood swings have risen to a breaking point, mending his previous days of dissing fellow rappers. Chamillionaire has moved on to money troubles, adulterous groupies and deceitful news stories through discontented social commentary.

p. He has a lot to be concerned about, considering the recent debates about hip-hop music and its role in the black community. Music critics, academics and other rappers alike share concern about the negative contributions of hip-hop and its repercussions on American culture and society. Many rappers have taken a stance on where the responsibility lies, and “Ultimate Victory” tries its best to ease these tensions, even to the point of censoring songs (notice there is no parental advisory sticker) to dispel a few myths about the popular image of hip-hop.

p. His first official single, “Hip-Hop Police,” employs a bit of wordplay, cleverly jumping from rapper to detective as Cham harshly criticizes the music industry for playing the blame game against rappers. He features eye-patch-wearing, well-known storyteller Slick Rick, who comments on the investigations and smoothly coos, “It’s a bloody murder.”

p. The opening track, “The Morning News,” is an opinionated tongue-lashing at news reporting and its lack of authenticity and relevance, pointing a finger at particular news commentators who have had issues with other rappers (Ludacris, for example): “Voice perfect for CNN but knew Larry King wouldn’t hear it through / Bill O’Reilly’s an idiot, he ain’t the only one with an opinion fool / E-mail this to my publicist so the media is gonna hear it too / You get on TV and get at me, then I’m gonna get on the CD and get at you.”

p. Chamillionaire doubles this bashing with “The Evening News,” another worthy track, in which he yet again role-plays a news reporter attaching social criticism to his lyrics: “Gas prices raises, the money keeps burning / Dropout rate rising, so what are they learning? / Sending the troops in the war so I turn it / To today’s evening news.”

p. Other stellar tracks erupt from the album, including the breakthrough song, “The Bill Collecta,” in which Chamillionaire is assisted by Bone Thugz and Harmony’s Krayzie Bone, while Bun B from UGK adds some sweet, mellow charm on the excellent Pimp Mode.

p. However, some tracks miss; Chamillionaire whines and gripes on the poisonous ditty, “Industry Groupie.” The song describes a groupie’s prostitute-like tendencies, although not until after an apologetic disclaimer plays for anyone who might be offended. Sampling from the 1980s hair-metal band Europe, Chamillionaire’s languid voice over the synthesized riffs lacks melody and, not surprisingly, depth. Another faulty and over-played theme of “party like a rock star” is a disaster on the Lil Wayne collaboration, “Rock Star,” although the piercing guitar gives the song a splash of excitement.

p. “Ultimate Victory” is an honorable approach, changing a stereotypical, cash-flowing lyricist into a reflective, socially conscious rapper (at least for now). The 19-track album won’t be spawning Weird-Al parodies or ring tone madness anytime soon, but Chamillionaire is earnest about the future of hip-hop and tries to weaken its scapegoat image brought about by the music industry and society.

TV’s best and worst commercials: underwear ads win, dessert pizza ads fall flat

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Sure, commercials are a kind of necessary evil to make television possible. But they can be something more. When done properly, commercials can actually be entertaining to watch — they can aspire to be essentially short stories with a bit of product placement. When done poorly, commercials can be boring, pedantic, creepy or confusing.

p. First, here are some commercials that are worthy of praise.

p. **Fruit of the Loom:** This underwear manufacturer has somehow turned the commercial for the mundane into something memorable. Not only are the Fruit Guys funny, but the songs and accompanying music videos are poignant (and, by the way, free to download at fruitguyfans.com). I especially enjoy Apple, the de facto leader of this talking produce stand, and Leaf, who isn’t technically a fruit, but since he’s often attached to fruit, he’s okay.
BP: An animated baby drives with some of his infant friends, looking for an eco- and wallet-friendly gas station at which to fill up. Aside from the excellent graphics, a catchy tune makes me tap my foot and search for the nearest BP. This commercial is excellently executed; it is difficult to stand out in a field in which the competitors sell literally the same product. For an example of a bad gasoline ad, read on.

p. **Apple:** I am a fan of PC. But then, who isn’t? The irony of that series of ads is that more sympathy is garnered for PC than for Mac, ostensibly the better of the two systems but also somewhat arrogant. The iPod ads are great because they introduced me to many great bands, including Feist, Quantic, Cut Chemist and OK Go. Also, Orba Squara is the group featured in the iPhone ads.

p. **UPS:** Again, this is a field in which pretty much all of the competitors offer the same thing. What makes UPS stand out is its classy series of commercials involving an everyday guy explaining how UPS overcomes delivery obstacles to get your package there faster. The clarity of the ad is amazing, and the guy’s whiteboard tricks are entertaining to watch. Finally, the ad is fittingly accompanied by a song from The Postal Service.
Now, the commercials that are so awful they should be taken into the street and shot, if only they were tangible.

p. **McDonald’s Filet-O-Fish:** This ad features two of the fast food chain’s greasy, disgusting filet-o-fish sandwiches arguing over subtle differences in the pronunciation of the “filet-o-fish” moniker. This is a terrible ad for two reasons. First, the concept itself is shockingly mundane; by the end of the one-minute ad, I wanted to stab something. Second, such prolonged close-ups of this disgusting fast food give us more reasons to vomit than drool, as we have plenty of time to observe the unnaturally square-shaped fish, the wilted lettuce and the tartar sauce that may or may not have gone bad last year.

p. **Anti-pot ads:** A poorly drawn landscape and ear-aching music mark the latest in anti-pot awareness. Each time, a weird guy implores his girlfriend or dog to smoke with him. Each time, they reject him for an alien or something. It’s almost as if the people who came up with this anti-pot campaign were high. These ads don’t discourage me from smoking marijuana; in fact, they encourage it. Each time I see one of these ads, I’m tempted to go puff a joint right away, just to spite them.

p. **Domino’s Oreo Dessert Pizza:** And, for that matter, any ad for pizza, but especially when a pizza chain tries to expand its offerings. No pizza ad has ever made me want pizza, not even Papa John’s commercials, which are the only ones that even come close to being acceptable. Remember Fudgems? Yes, he haunts my dreams too. Sadly, Oreo pizza may actually be good, but we’ll never know because the commercial stars a creepy dad explaining to his creepy son that his Oreo pizza mustache will fill out with time. There went my desire to try it. This is even creepier than the Netflix ads involving the eerily perky family watching movies with their eerily perky neighbors — at least the Netflix family is creepily frisky instead of creepily calm as in the Domino’s ads.

p. **Shell:** Shell’s sad attempt to make me believe that they actually drove two cars across the country to prove their fuel is better made me laugh. First, I recognized one of the “scientists” from other commercials, and second, the bit where one scientist finds his car trapped within a herd of sheep is implausible at best. I’m taking my business to BP.

p. **Viagra:** Although I am personally disturbed by Viagra commercials, I recognize that ED does affect millions of men, and up until now their ads have been somewhat tasteful. But then Viagra had to go and make a commercial involving a middle-aged garage band singing about their ED medication to the tune of “Viva Las Vegas.” It’s just so disgusting. I’d like to see someone take Viagra and then try to play the upright bass.

p. __Alex Guillén is the associate reviews editor. He wants to know if you have any Grey Poupon.__

Coming Attractions: Sept. 28

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**Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band**
“Magic” (Columbia Records)
The Boss’s first album with the E Street Band since 2002 features a litany of new songs that reflects a range of Springsteen’s power and ability. Tracks can be counted among his finest or weakest. “Magic” is less of a rocker than much of his previous work.
Oct. 2

p. **Annie Lennox — “Songs of Mass Destruction” (RCA)**
Lennox’s new album possibly marks her best work yet. Gone are the experiments in style that plagued her earlier efforts. The few course adjustments stay true to the message of her work, brought forth with crystal clarity and beauty: although as a culture we may be on a road to destruction, Lennox finds redemption in the fray. Oct. 2

p. **“Feast of Love” (MGM)**
True, this is a chick flick, but this one is good, especially with its talented cast. Morgan Freeman, Jane Alexander, Greg Kinnear and Selma Blair headline this look at love as a fluid and uncertain emotion. This film oozes with excellence; the acting, filming and score create a satisfying experience.
Sept. 28

p. **“Cavemen” (ABC)**
Inspired by the cavemen who face constant but humorous racial prejudice while leading bourgeoisie lifestyles, this series brings those commercial cavemen to the sitcom world. Will it work? Probably not. Tony nominee Julie White brings some comic energy to the show, but “Cavemen” will eventually become history. Oct. 2

p. **“Pushing Daisies” (ABC)**
This new series is marked by dazzling beauty, a cast with chemistry and an interesting plot. Lee Pace plays a baker who has the power to revive the dead with a single touch. The catch? If he touches them again they’re dead for good, and if they’re alive for more than a minute, innocent bystanders begin to drop like flies. Oct. 3

Kindling enthusiasm in College’s foundation

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__Spotswood Society tours provide glimpse of
Wren’s history__

The Christopher Wren Building, with its auburn brick edifice bordered by a quaint white fence, commanded a quiet, dignified splendor. The dark center hall smells of aged wood and is embellished with a deep teal. Attracted by this historic building, tourists and history buffs stumble through the portico and the heavy doors to find themselves greeted by members of the Spotswood Society.

p. The Spotswood Society is composed of nearly 40 students who present the Wren Building and its history by offering tours for tourists and prospective students. Ryan Lintelman ’09, a new member of the group, lead a tour into a room formerly used as a school for American Indians, now called the Classical Grammar School. He mentioned the English courtroom-style benches and pointed at the pulpit, noting, “We let little kids stand up here.”

p. The Wren Building, famed to be the nation’s oldest academic building in continuous use, was originally constructed in four years and completed in 1699. It has survived three destructive fires and once served as a college and dormitory for approximately 100 students and six professors. Former College President Timothy Sullivan founded the Spotswood Society in 1996 stipulating that students epresent the Wren Building. The group is led by Louise Kale, the executive director of the historical campus.

p. As Lintelman proceeded with the tour, escorting the tour group into the Great Hall, he pointed to the grand tables lining the wooden walls. “They pull these tables out like in ‘Harry Potter,’” Lintelman said. The room is used for the College’s Yule Log celebrations; the gargantuan fireplace plays the ritual’s most central role, as students toss sprigs of holly upon which they’ve placed the stresses of the previous semester into the roaring blaze.

p. After showing off the Blue Room on the top floor — the meeting room for former chancellors as well as the Board of Visitors — Lintelman finally descended a staircase back to the main level, explaining, “These [staircases] weren’t originally here. They were added because of fire hazards,” he said.

p. The job is structured conveniently around classes — one shift per week for two to three hours. Two tour guides are available to guide individual groups per shift. “Tour guides hang out in the center hall and wait for people to come in,” Micheal Blackman ’09, a Spotswood Society member, said. “The tours are based on the tourists’ interest. Some want to see just the chapel, while others want to see the basement.”

p. Being an envoy of such a historic emblem offers bragging rights.

p. “It’s like being an ambassador to the city,” Lintelman said. “There is a sense of honor in presenting Williamsburg. Somehow, a lot of tourists somehow start their day there.”

p. The members agreed that perhaps the best part of the job is meeting new people. “I love seeing different people who are interested in seeing history,” Blackman said. “Quintessential people with cameras, old people that just want to get to know the place.”

p. A great variety of people tour the building. “The best thing is talking to strangers, like fourth graders and the Hungarians. Not to mention, foreign dignitaries,” Spotswood Society member Jackie Woods ’09 said.

p. Joining the Spotswood Society is a process as competitive as it is selective; it entails an application, an interview and a letter of recommendation. Selected students are notified in the spring and must undergo “a two-day intensive history boot camp” in the fall, according to Woods.

p. The tour ended with Pat Mott ’09, a veteran tour guide, who takes an interest in the building’s previous devastations, such as the infamous fire of 1859. “The library on the main level was the most flammable at the time,” Mott said. “Someone kicked over the lamp, and the whole place went up in flames.”

p. He finished the tour with an anecdote of the crypt, pulling out an old black-and-white photograph of the crypt, home to the coffin of Lord Botetourt. “The crypt under the chapel is creepy but really cool,” he said.

p. When asked about the infamous “crypt crawl,” in which students crawl through an underground passageway into the burial chamber of countless colonial figures, Mott replied, “The only people who can do the crypt crawl [are those in] the Spotswood Society.”

p. The Wren Building houses enough secrets to spark candid interest — the crypt, ghost legends and the recent controversy of the Wren cross, which now sits enclosed in a clear case in the chapel. Nonetheless, the best-kept secret that the building has to offer is the Spotswood Society, which continues traditions through enlightening tales and accounts of the building itself.

Blue Talon cooks up movie night fun

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As the sky darkens on a hot summer night and the tourists littering the streets start to disperse, Colonial Williamsburg develops an invigorating atmosphere. Families and students spread blankets and lawn chairs in the middle of Prince George Street, for the Blue Talon’s Summer Movie Series, where every Sunday a different movie is projected on a screen set up outside the restaurant.

p. The event is held during the summer and presented by the Blue Talon, with many other local stores. Starting in July, movies including “Casablanca,” “Batman” and “Airplane!” were shown, but this weekend marks the last movie night of the season. The Blue Talon will wrap up its summer movie series Sunday at sunset with a showing of “The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring.”

p. An informal setting defines every aspect of the Blue Talon movie night. Attendees must bring their own seating. Food is available from the restaurant itself, in addition to 25-cent popcorn provided by Retro’s and ice cream from the adjacent Baskin Robbins. Even the time the movie starts is rarely set in stone. “We don’t really have a starting time,” Blue Talon Manager Louise Wood said. “We just wait ’til it gets dark.”

p. The atmosphre appeals to patrons. “It’s outdoors, really open and a good environment,” Williamsburg resident John Sizemore said. He heard about the event just by word of mouth.

p. Now in its second year, the Blue Talon Summer Movie Series has been continued largely thanks to the substantial community response.

p. “Last year we [rented] the screen, but it was so successful that we decided to purchase it,” Wood said. And now, with the support of other community organizations, such as Merchants Square, the city of Williamsburg and The Peanut Shoppe, the movie night’s future is increasingly assured. “It’s definitely returning next year,” Wood said.

p. The movie series provides a way to advertise the restaurant that — unlike print ads or other forms of advertising — can also give something back to the Williamsburg community. “Really, it is to give back to our clientele to say thank you,” Wood said.
The movies are appealing to the Williamsburg community.

p. “They’re just campy and fun,” Wendy Craighill, another Williamsburg resident, said. She heard of the movie night through Blue Talon’s website. “It’s free, open and fun. And I love the cartoons. I come every week.” As a treat for those who come a little early, old black-and-white cartoons, such as “Big Bad Sinbad” and other favorites, are shown beforehand.

p. The Blue Talon is open daily from 8 a.m. to 9 p.m. Information about the menu and the movie series can be found on its website, bluetalonbistro.com.

Popcorn critiques, 21-inch screen leave columnist missing his Schmommy

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Sometimes we miss the strangest things about people. I have only been a junior for one month and I already lament the loss of my sophomore roommate Andrew Schmadel. Don’t worry; he’s not dead — just studying in Scotland for the semester. While my current living situation is going swimmingly, I miss the distinctly motherly presence my friend Andrew had in my life. In short, I miss my Schmommy.

p. Were I more superficial, I would mourn the absence of Schmadel’s 21-inch computer monitor. On rainy days when he was in physics lab, I would skip class, pull down the shades and watch old film trailers on his computer. When he came into the room, tears would be welling up in my eyes because I had watched the trailer for David Lynch’s “The Elephant Man” 17 times.

p. “Are you okay, James?” Schmadel would ask me.

p. “I’m fine, this trailer is just so sad.”

p. I still pine for Schmadel’s beautiful computer monitor, but that is not what made his friendship so valuable to me. What I miss most is his ability to find fault in everything I did. The way I made my bed, the way I popped my popcorn, even the way I watered my plant — all of these things were fair game for Schmadel’s critical eye. It got to the point where I might leave the room to make popcorn, afraid I would be critiqued for burning my bag.

p. One experience stands out in my mind as indicative of our roommate relationship. I had just written a short paper for an English class and wanted someone to look over my essay. I asked him to take a look. Schmadel glanced over the paper for several minutes as I bit my lip. “What do you think?” I asked.
His eyes shot at me and he responded, “James, I can’t believe you’re an English major.”

p. My fingers tingled as my heart began to race; I feared that the shock of this statement would give me a heart attack. “What do you mean?” I asked.

p. “Well, it’s your style. It’s so typical, and the things you say are so contrived. Are you really majoring in English?” I never told Schmadel before, but that might have been the most humiliating moment of my life. It was only the two of us in our cavernous Jamestown attic room, yet I felt more embarrassed than the time my voice cracked while I was giving a speech in sixth grade or the time I accidentally called my kindergarten teacher “Mommy” during class.

p. For a long time I resented Schmadel for calling me a terrible writer. While he lacked tact, the things he said weren’t completely unfounded. I am not the strongest writer and never will be. I struggle with clarity and originality in every Confusion Corner column that I write. Friends should be considerate of each other, but a good friend should be the first person to point out our defects, albeit in a more respectful way.

p. Through his incessant nagging of my every fault, Schmadel did what every decent friend should do: He tried to make me a better person. I know for a fact that had Professor Xavier been a more critical friend of Magneto, then the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants would never have been formed, and countless human and mutant lives could have been spared. Complacent friends can be blamed for the fall of great men like King Lear, Michael Jackson and Whitney Houston. Why did no one tell King Lear that Goneril and Regan were bad news? Why did no one warn Whitney Houston that Bobby Brown and crack are two of the world’s most destructive substances?

p. I should thank Schmadel for keeping me in line while I was 300 miles from my own mother. One other memory stands out in my mind. Andrew and I were having some friends over to our room to watch a movie on his glorious computer monitor. I forgot to make my bed from the night before, but when I came into the room I found my blankets neatly folded. I looked up at Schmadel who violently pushed his vacuum cleaner along the carpet. “We have company coming over in a couple of minutes,” he said. “Could you put some sodas in the fridge?” I smiled, and carefully placed the cans of Diet Pepsi and Sierra Mist beside tins of prebaked biscotti and fat-free yogurt. Everything was in its right place.

p. __James Damon is a Confusion Corner columnist. He’s planning a trip to Scottland over fall break.__

Horoscopes (Sept. 28)

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Scorpio: Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

You’ll have to keep yourself from punching those slow walkers in the back of the head. Don’t worry, the stars will make sure they receive their come-uppance.

Taurus: April 20 – May 20

Don’t play into the media hype that president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is the most evil force in the world. That honor clearly goes to Parking Services.

Sagittarius: Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

You knew that nutmeg-induced hallucinations were going to be strange, but you never thought Boris the Blade would propose to you.

Gemini: May 21- June 21

You might be depressed over the Redskins’ week three loss, but it could be worse. You could be a Redskins fan who also reads “Harry Potter”. Talk about depressing.

Capricorn: Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

If you get bored this week, try this: Go to flathatnews.com, register as anonymous to hide your identity and bitch about things that don’t concern you.

Cancer: June 22 – July 22

You’ll be thankful for the Health Center this week when you hurt your neck trying to fellate yourself over how intelligent you sounded in class today.

Aquarius: Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

You will decide this week to join the large group of people who are offended by our sex column. Not because you care, but because you never get laid.

Leo: July 23 – Aug. 22

Yeah, you’re right: A blind man in a wheelchair could have finished the construction on Landrum Drive by now.

Pisces: Feb. 19 – March 20

You just can’t seem to figure out that problem set, can you? Fear not; just ask Sam Sadler to form a committee, and within two years you may have results.

Virgo: Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

This week, you will become motivated to change the College’s official color to red because of all the tape that surrounds every fucking thing on campus.

Aries: March 21 – April 19

Your physics professor encourages curiosity, but he won’t know what to say when you ask him how Gene Nichol could pull off a five-minute keg stand.

Libra: Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

Speaking of which, don’t be alarmed this week if you hear Gene Nichol announce our new mascot: the College Bureaucratic Clusterfucks.

Turn off the lights to get turned on

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If you’ve walked through the hedges in Colonial Williamsburg at night, you know what it’s like to be gripped by fear. Your heart’s beating, you’re shuffling your feet as fast as you can and you’re breathing as if you’ve just run a mile. The thing that makes this so scary, other than the gripping ghost story that precedes it, is the stuffy and almost claustrophobia-inducing darkness. In reality, people who fear the dark actually fear what is hidden in it — the mystery of the unknown veiled by every shadow. But darkness doesn’t always have to be terrifying; the thrill of the unknown can be a major turn-on in the bedroom.

p. Some people are so timid in their sex lives that having sex or making out with the lights on is the kinkiest thing on the menu. That concept is all backward — when the lights go off, the heat turns up. Don’t get me wrong, seeing the look on your lover’s face when he or she orgasms is hot. But what about all the little parts that you miss because you’re too busy concentrating with your eyes,penis or vagina? The feeling of your partner’s heartbeat, her breathing getting heavier and faster, the sweat on his back — those little things is what makes sex in the dark more intense.

p. When it’s about that time and the lights get turned off, draw out the foreplay. Your fingers can do the work that your eyes would normally do. I’m not saying to use her nipples like you’re reading Braille. If you take some time and move from the neck down, you can heat her up with both your lips and your fingertips. It’s always wise to shave before this, because while a little brush of stubble can get some girls ready to orgasm, for others it will have them ready to go. In the dark you can follow the outline of her body, touching curves and spots that you would have jumped over for the main attraction in the light. Some secret areas that deserve a little more time and energy are the collarbone, along her ribs and the thighs. More time means more than a stroke or two; if you take time to lightly caress those areas, leaving the inner thighs for last, she’ll be more than ready when you bring it home.

p. Many people play little games before sex to get them in the mood — stripteases and love dice come to mind. The element of darkness can be integrated into most of those warm-ups, too. He is another excellent game can get almost anyone to the brink of an orgasm, and if played well can be continued straight through to guaranteed orgasms. You’ll need either a computer chair with arms or a bed with posts. Take a few neckties and make sure his hands are tied to either the arms of the chair or the bedposts.

p. They don’t have to be tight; you’ll see that the point is definitely not to cut off circulation to his hands. Use another tie to wrap around his eyes as a blindfold. Now — with the man at her mercy — the girl can tease him until she’s ready. Try licking his lips and always pull away right when he’s really enjoying it. If you want to have sex, you can let him know the true definition of a cock tease. He’ll be excited by the element of surprise, not knowing which body part you are going to touch next, and with so much built-up sexual tension the restraints may eventually give way.

p. That’s the point of having sex in the dark; some have sex in the dark because they feel that’s the only way to loosen their restraints. Everyone feels the same in the dark — the chaos and confusion of bodies moving, the heartbeats and gasping. It might be a way to get out of your own skin and feel like your partner’s not judging you. If this is the case, maybe use the games and the security of the dark to become more comfortable with yourself and your partner. It’s true that the grass is always greener on the other side, and once you know every inch of each other by touch, it will be that much more exciting to see the ecstasy on your partner’s face in clear light.

p. __Emily Powell is the Flat Hat sex columnist. She has many scarves with various patterns.__