Ava Gravina ’28 is a psychology and English major at William and Mary. She swims with Club Swim and writes for the school’s pop culture magazine, The DoG Street Journal. She is from outside Boston and enjoys spending time with friends, baking, reading psychological thrillers and watching rom-coms. You can contact her at acgravina@wm.edu.
The views expressed in the article are the author’s own.
This scenario has played out countless times in my life: A stranger sees my sister, Adelle, and I together at school, at work or around town. They smile politely, then look at us with puzzled expressions and ask, “Are you two twins?” It’s a question we’ve heard a thousand times. We always nod and smile back. Then comes the inevitable follow-up question: “So, what’s it like to be a twin?”
It’s a strange question when you think about it. Asking me what it’s like to be a twin is like me asking someone, “What’s it like to not be one?” I don’t have the comparison point they are looking for, only my own experience. But that experience has shaped everything about who I am, and it’s also why I believe twins need space to become their own people.
For starters, being a twin means always having someone I can truly trust and confide in. While we can’t read each other’s minds like people often assume, we understand each other in ways others can’t. We pick up on each other’s unspoken cues, and with her, I can be vulnerable in ways I’m not with anyone else. Our lives are intertwined through shared experiences, milestones and memories, making our bond different from others.
Growing up, Adelle and I shared everything from a bedroom and memories to, fortunately for her, a physical resemblance. People knew us as the Gravina twins, and while we were lucky not to be mixed up too much, thanks to her red hair and my blonde hair, many people still thought of us as a unit rather than individuals. For the most part, we had the same friends, played the same sports and had similar interests. We were rarely separated.
Being a twin is complicated. It’s not just about closeness, but also about identity. While most siblings naturally develop as individuals, twins often form a shared identity revolving around their relationship. Psychologist Joan Friedman argues that being constantly seen as a pair can make it harder for twins to develop a strong sense of individuality, something I’ve experienced firsthand.
Even as we tried to assert our individuality — through different sports like swimming and running, different majors like English and biology and even different personal styles — we were still often seen as part of a pair. Even when I tried to be my own person, I still felt defined as part of ‘us’ instead of ‘me.’
That’s why I believe twins should seriously consider going to different colleges, not just for the space, but because it strengthens something just as important: a sense of self.
Going to college without my twin sister was a major change. For the first time, I had to figure out who I was without my twin by my side. No one else around me faced quite the same test: Can you function without your other half right beside you? It was unfamiliar to me, uncomfortable at times, but also necessary.
At the College of William and Mary, I’ve learned how to adjust to life without my twin by my side. For most of my life, we were rarely apart, so going to different colleges tested my independence greatly.
I’ve come to believe that, for many twins, going to different schools is beneficial — not simply for separation, but for the chance to develop a sense of identity outside of the twin dynamic. Being here has given me the space to form my own identity, build new relationships and explore different interests. And I truly think that my twin sister and I are closer than we have ever been, despite being a plane ride away. While not every twin will feel the same urge for space, for me, that separation has been formative.
Without a doubt, sibling relationships, especially twin relationships, are complex. They’re about closeness, but also about learning who you are apart from each other. So when people ask me now what it’s like to be a twin, I can finally tell them it’s about having someone who will always be there, even when they’re not.
