Behind Closed Doors: You and your Tinder account

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October 23, 2014

9:50 PM

In 2011, our cell phones gained an app that has changed the dating game forever: Tinder. According to the description in the app store, “Tinder is a fun way to connect with new and interesting people around you.” But let’s be real. Tinder is all about flirting with hotties, getting laid and finding love in this hopeless world. However, if you’re new to the online dating world, Tinder can be a tough one. How does one maneuver through the endless selfies and bios to find a perfect match? Lucky for you, I am here to let you in on a few tips and tricks for finding love in all the wrong places.

When you sign up for Tinder, the first thing you need to do is work your profile to your advantage. Your first picture should probably be a photo of yourself, alone, looking fun, sexy and preferably not like a serial killer. One should especially avoid photos with small children, which gives off a creepy “looking for a mother/father to my children” vibe. Also, mirror selfies are not recommended; the reign of Myspace is over and your selfie technique should reflect that. The rest of your photos should reflect your various interests, perhaps a picture of you with your friends to show you’re fun-loving, or maybe a shot with some small animals to show you have a sensitive side. I would not recommend photos of any dead animals, unless you’re looking for a trophy husband/wife to go with your moose head collection.

Similar thought should go into writing the “about me” portion of your profile. Adding the lyric “It’s going down, I’m yelling Tinder” may seem like a very clever idea at the time, but trust me, it has been done. And it has been done better. It might also be wise to express your intentions within your profile. Whether you are gay, straight, bi-curious, or interested only in dating men with beards or women with needlepoint collections, let the Tinder world know what you’re looking for.

When it comes to actually looking for matches, I find that people fall somewhere between two ends of the spectrum. There are those who swipe only based on physical appearance. Tinder is a game for them, and they are only looking to match with those in peak physical condition. On the other hand, there are those who weigh the pros and cons of swiping someone left or right as if they were to marry them. These are the people who will read through your profile with extreme attention to detail, checking spelling and grammar, analyzing what kind of lover, friend and partner you would be. They swipe through your pictures, basing your attractiveness based on well thought out criteria, only swiping right if you fulfill almost all of the requirements. You will probably fall somewhere between these two types of “swipers” depending on how drunk or horny you are.

Some people like to begin with an overtly sexual introduction like, “I want to paint you green and spank you like a naughty avocado.”

Now that your profile is all set up and you have an impressive number of fine matches, you’re looking for someone to actually chat with. But how do you start a conversation with a hot stranger? The answer is easy: Say whatever you want to say. Some people like to begin with an overtly sexual introduction like “I want to paint you green and spank you like a naughty avocado.” Others like to start off with a more traditional level of creepy: “You’re really beautiful, winky face.” Occasionally, people go with a more normal conversation starter and simply say hello. However you choose to start a conversation, just know that starting the conversation altogether is a bold move. Many matches just sit in your chat list, silent and forgotten, each too nervous to make the first move. If you’re really unsure of what to say to your match, try waiting until a holiday arrives. Nothing says “You’re cute, want to have sex?” like wishing someone a happy flag day.

Though Tinder is indeed a fun way to meet sexy singles in your area, my advice is always to be smart and stay safe. Nothing’s sexier than refraining from giving out too personal of information on the internet.

Happy Tindering!

Mallory W. is a Behind Closed Doors columnist who can also be seen on Cuddlr. 

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  • Mallory W