Behind Closed Doors: No double dipping

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April 6, 2015

9:26 PM

I’ll be the first to admit my undying love for Nicki Minaj. She’s one of the baddest b-words in the business, she has the most beautiful butt I’ve ever laid eyes on, her features alone slay and she wants nothing more than for her younger fans to continue their educations.

Sure, she’s had her moments — mainly the highly criticized “Only” lyric video — but all-in-all Nicki is definitely someone I can look up to. However, Nicki Minaj has recently released a song even I’m not sure if I can support.

This song, which features Drake and Lil Wayne, perplexes me in ways I didn’t think possible. The song, ladies and gentlemen, is entitled “Truffle Butter.” In the words of my friend, this song is a straight bop, but the topic it covers troubles me.

What is truffle butter, you ask? Before I tell you, I ask that you sit down, have a glass of water and please ask anyone under the age of eighteen to leave the room.

All right, now, when a man and a woman really lust over each other, they may choose to engage in anal sex. However, while this act is taking place, they may also choose to move things over to the vagina.

This is where truffle butter comes into play; truffle butter is fluid that is a mix of what’s in the butt and what’s in the hooha.

When the definition of truffle butter was first presented to me, I sat — mouth open — for a solid five minutes. Once I finally regained consciousness and wiped the drool from my chin, I was filled with questions and fear. How, Nicki, how can you be okay with truffle butter and still be able to avoid dreaded urinary tract infections? Do you have a staff of gynecology specialists on hand to get you squeaky clean after getting down and dirty? And while we’re here, can you please tell us how you keep your booty so large and round?

Although the name may create the impression that truffle butter is as classy as the gourmet spread after which it was named, I still have my reservations.

Although the name may create the impression that truffle butter is as classy as the gourmet spread after which it was named, I still have my reservations.

I do like to think of myself as someone who is accepting of all kinds of weird sexual concepts, so my opposition to truffle butter leaves me deeply morally conflicted. Whether you like having sex while draped in leather, you liked being spanked, or you just like no frills love-making, sex should be about what you enjoy.

I may not have retained much information from grade school, but I do remember that the mixing of fluids, especially those contaminated by fecal matter, is a big no-no in terms of health.

It is stressful enough navigating the sexual universe without having to worry about what may happen if truffle butter enters into the mainstream.

I can think of many things that would be safer alternatives to truffle butter. For example, cleaning things up and breaking out a new condom before switching holes will help you to avoid truffle butter and a nasty infection. Or better yet, just stick to one opening per sexual encounter.

To keep your vagina in tip-top shape, you can use the restroom before and after sex, which is said to prevent urinary tract infections. Although you might not have a beauty squad to keep you looking, feeling and smelling good, cleaning up the downstairs after sex can prevent bacteria from hanging out and potentially moving in.

I’m sorry, Ms. Minaj, for remaining so against truffle butter. While the song is one of my favorites from your newest album, I am too concerned with my sexual health to ever be okay with truffle butter.

Mallory W. is a Behind Closed Doors columnist who will never listen to Nicki Minaj the same way again.

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  • Mallory W