Behind Closed Doors: To sext or not to sext?

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November 2, 2015

11:54 PM

In my experience, there are two types of people in the world: those who send nudes and those who don’t. I’m not a nudes-sending kind of girl, but I do think the world of sending and receiving nudes is a particularly interesting one.

In the blink of an eye, the advent of the camera phone has moved our society from a culture of porno flicks and dirty magazines, to one of personalized pics of titties sent via Snapchat. How did we get there? Where are we going?

I may not have all the answers, but I’m determined to find out.

If you’re wary of snapping a pic of your privates, you’re certainly not alone. Sure, I can take a hot selfie of my face, but if you want me to get a flattering angle of my butt — think again. I don’t even know what filter to use when Instagramming a shot of my Aromas sandwich, let alone what photo settings will properly emphasize the contours of my behind.

I’d much rather catch a glimpse of someone’s nether regions up close and personal, not via a 10 second mirror pic.

Besides, I may know how to send a text or open up an app or two, but other than that I have no understanding of technology.

Where do nudes go once they’re deleted? Do they go into a giant internet landfill where internet trolls can mass email them to everyone in the world once I finally receive my Nobel Peace Prize? I don’t know, but I’m not willing to find out.

So instead of focusing my energy on mastering the art of the butt pic, I have instead mastered the art of the no-nudes rejection. I usually take two different approaches: the ghost and the fool.

First, let me explain the technique of the ghost. If you’re chatting with your honey before hopping in the shower, for instance, and they shoot you a “can I see (;” text, simply send them a quick “no” and never speak to them again. If you’re really willing to commit, fake your own death and actually pretend to be a ghost. Halloween might be over, but going ghost is appropriate no matter the time of year.

Surprising dick pics are not as fun as they may seem.

If you’re more interested in playing the fool, do a quick Google search for some pictures of your favorite shades of nude.

Next time your boo thing says they want a nude, just whip out that photo of your fav nude nail polish. Seriously, never feel the need to shoot your gal or guy a nude if you don’t want to. While my techniques might be a little unorthodox, a simple “no thank you” might also suffice.

If nude pics are your thing, however, I have consulted with an expert on the best way to approach the situation. And when I say an expert, I mean a coworker. But trust me, guys, she knows what she’s talking about.

The most important thing to remember is to be upfront. No one wants to be sent unexpected and unsolicited nudes. Ask them how they feel about nudes. See what makes them feel comfortable. And always, always warn them before sending a nude Snapchat — surprising dick pics are not as fun as they may seem.

When it comes to keeping yourself free from any maliciousness, my expert advises that sending a nude sans face is key. Remember those internet trolls I mentioned earlier? Sometimes those trolls are really just angry exes, waiting to mass text your personal pics to all their friends.

I don’t see any problem with a little photo fun every now and again — and ultimately the choice is always yours. But it’s important to be safe and smart in any sexual act, whether it’s sending a nude or having sex.

And if you’re ever pressured to send a nude pic when you know you don’t want to, just imagine me, as a grandma, wagging my figure at you disapprovingly.

Mallory W. is a Behind Closed Doors columnist who does not care to master the art of the carefully crafted butt pic.

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  • Mallory W