Disclaimer: this is not news. This is part of the Fat Head, a Flat Hat senior tradition in which the outgoing editors dunk on themselves, the College, and the student culture here. Again, this is not news. If you treat it as such, that’s on you. Any resemblance to characters, real or fictional, is purposeful and malevolent. We warned you.
Years ago, the students of Jefferson Hall captured a squirrel, killed it, and stuck it in the freezer on the second floor. Although the hooligans did not get to eat their prized catch in the stew of their dreams, their actions did have a lasting effect on campus here at the College of William and Mary.
It’s kind of like when you kill a cockroach. The squirrel juices sent a signal to all of the squirrel brethren who live here, calling for attack on the students inhabiting their rightful land. And since then, they have been plotting.
The first sign of the squirrel-pacalypse was the squirrel who had no regard for its own life when it had the opportunity to kill a student in cold blood. I will call this squirrel Jimmy. Jimmy leapt into the path of an innocent bike rider — I guess they exist — with the intention to create such a bump in the road that she would flip over her own handlebars. Thankfully, Jimmy isn’t a good shot. He missed his target, and she lived another day. The student can no longer travel to that side of campus, though, so maybe Jimmy had a small win.
Then, there was a shift in the squirrel energy surrounding the site of the original crime, Jefferson Hall. It was a warm spring night, the sun setting almost like a movie, but the movie was about to change genre. When the student stopped by the trash can to throw away her drink from dinner, a squirrel, let’s call this one Jeff, hurled itself out of the can, hitting her in the arm. She started hysterically laughing and crying at the same time. Legend has it that Jeff haunts her dreams. I think I’ve seen her flinch at every trash can on campus. Jeff did his duty.
The squirrels will not rest until students abandon this campus once and for all. Do we root for justice or the perpetuation of the TWAMP race?
