I think that Salt – N – Pepa put it best when they said, “Let’s talk about sex, baby / Let’s talk about you and me / Let’s talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be / Let’s talk about sex.”
Talking is an important aspect of sex. Having open lines of communication between you and your partner can only lead to good things.
But does the talking have to end when the foreplay begins? Absolutely not. Talking during sex can be a huge turn-on, but it can also be daunting. What exactly is okay to say?
Let’s first explore silence. To be completely silent throughout a sexual encounter takes effort: Your body involuntarily makes guttural sounds of pleasure. If there is some reason to be silent — such as, if you were hooking up in Tucker 207 at midnight on Saturday — then the silence enhances the experience. But if there isn’t an external constraint, silence can make your partner feel insecure.
Feedback is essential to a successful sexual experience. If you’re uncomfortable using your words, another option for filling the silence is moaning. Your partner needs to be reassured that what he or she is doing is working for you. This is not to say that you should fake it. Just let the way you feel come out. This may be expressed in heavy breathing, squeals, “yeses” and just random pleasure sounds. Do what feels natural. And remember that not every second of silence has to be filled.
When dealing with only moaning, there is one important caveat: It is sometimes hard to distinguish a moan of pleasure and a moan of pain. Sometimes when you’re hooking up, something uncomfortable happens — he plunges too deep and hits your cervix, she accidentally uses some teeth on your happy place. Since moans of both pleasure and pain can be interpreted in the same way, it is essential that a moan of pain be accompanied by some other sound. A love struck 20-something won’t know if he’s hurting you if he thinks you’re moaning with joy and you don’t correct him.
If you’ve moved beyond moaning and are ready for the big leagues, full-blown utterances can be great fun. The easiest types of sentences to start off with are reassurances and narrations. “Oh yes. That feels so good,” is a classic. It’s okay if it doesn’t come out in perfect grammar, you aren’t in English class. Narrations are a little more risque. “Oooh. You’re giving me head.”
Instructions are excellent sex utterances, but you have to be careful. “Harder, harder. Ride me cowboy,” isn’t disagreeable at all, but “No, not there, stupid, to the left,” definitely is. Just try to keep in mind your partner’s feelings when you’re giving instructions, and don’t say anything that you wouldn’t want said to you.
You may get very self-conscious about speaking in bed. This is when what you say starts to be funny. Funny is great, funny is charming, but funny also tends to be a turn-off. If you laugh while you tell your woman how much you love her breasts, she may take them away and not let you play with them. Make sure you’re ready to speak before you start.
As with any kind of sexy play, it’s important to set boundaries. You never want to go too far — maybe it’s okay to say “kiss me, bitch” but it’s not okay to say “kiss me, whore.” Each person has his or her own limits and you don’t want to ruin the sexy mood by accidentally using the wrong epithet.
Lastly, noises and talking are fun, but that doesn’t mean they have to be shared with everyone. I am very happy for you if you have the cojones to give a play-by-play narrative of what you’re doing to her Georgia O’Keefe, but I don’t need to hear about it while I’m trying to do my math homework. Keep the noise at a respectful level. You want to avoid violating a noise ordinance — or worse, your suite-mates might start recording your erotic exploits.
__Maya Horowitz is the Flat Hat sex columnist. She has never hooked up in Tucker. Why would you accuse her of that?__
