You feel it in the air. The pheromones, the smell of anxiety, a subtle, yet distinct undertone of desperation — you know it all too well. It’s mating season. Room-mating season, that is. It comes around every year (somewhat sadistically preceded by the equally harrowing class selection period) like a high-stakes game of musical chairs. But you’re not worried. You’ve played this little “game” before. You’re covered.

You remember the whole process just like it was yesterday — the scheming, plotting, your entire “strategy” most likely predicated on an overdeveloped knowledge of “Apprentice” reruns (You had resolved to be the Omarosa of the roommate selection). You predictably received your no-better-than-average lottery number, which was followed by an outbreak of the bump — the venereal disease of the housing process. Thankfully, you tested negative. And somehow after all of that you ended up with a roommate toward whom you, surprisingly, harbored no homicidal desires for an entire year. Your only concern this semester was to merely be long gone from your god-awful suitemate — the one prone to excessively long showers at nearly any time of day. The one you’ve, perhaps not so affectionately, dubbed Mr. Clean.

Then you realize you and your roommate haven’t really talked about housing next year. Of course, it’s too late to bring it up now. Plus, you both are too cool for that. Your relationship, too evolved for mere words, instead exists as some sort of telekinetic bond. So the issue is left alone, eventually evolving into a sort of prisoner’s dilemma, with which you naively choose to cooperate. This, as any government professor will tell you, is absolutely the incorrect choice, which you might have learned in your 8 a.m. International Politics class, had you chosen to attend it last week.

Finally, the truth comes out. Your roommate is getting an apartment with his girlfriend (whose name you had forgotten), who almost certainly stole one of your T-shirts. It’s in the Midlands, he says beaming with excitement, with a pull-out couch and a veranda. They’re in love — mostly with the apartment, less so with one another — but you remain unimpressed.

For a moment you ponder the fanciful idea of off-campus housing, though truthfully you have no concept of the relative costs involved. Money is still vaguely defined, an intangible asset that the current recession will keep you from attaining for years.

Back on the prowl, you run into your old freshman roommate at the Rec Center. You haven’t talked in awhile. Following freshman year, he quickly bailed on you, dashing your hopes of eventually attending the you’ve-suffered-with-the-same-person-for-four-years brunch with College of William and Mary President Taylor Reveley. He’s here with his new roommate, having just finished their weekly racquetball game. Both are wearing conveniently matching sweaters, like a Wimbledon tennis duo. You make awkward small talk throughout the encounter, feeling ever more like a jealous ex. You momentarily consider floating the possibility of a triple, but can’t find a way to say, “Hey, you ever considered adding another person to the mix,” without it sounding like a request for a threesome. You leave disheartened.

On the way back, things are looking desperate. Everywhere you go, you see happily coupled roommates, with their frisbees and their bicycles made for two, frolicking through the Sunken Garden in the spring breeze, bromance in the air. You, on the other hand, size up every passing acquaintance, each time wondering: Does he snore? Have an abiding love of House music? Own a pet iguana? Returning home, you glance toward the bathroom door, from the bottom of which an all-too-familiar cloud of steam is rising.

In a state of utter dejection, you forget yourself for a moment, and wonder if Mr. Clean needs a roommate.

__Kevin Mooney is a guest Confusion Corner columnist. He and his roommate wear matching sweaters.__

There’s a lot of talk about the awkwardness on campus. I fully believe that the College of William and Mary is the least awkward place on the planet. Seriously, you look up antonyms for awkward in a thesaurus and you’ll find a definition for the student population of the College.

Thus, this column only really applies to those two or three aberrant students out there who happen to be outliers on the College’s graph of awkwardness. This one’s for you, creepers, your how-to guide to finding the perfect mate.

Let’s start with universals ­— things for which both men and women fall head-over-heels. I’m talking about the kind of panty-dropping, erection-inducing, pheromone-secreting qualities that every player at the College should have.

– Lack of confidence. No one likes someone with a healthy amount of self-esteem. Personally, nothing turns me on more than a man who hates himself.

– Completely disinterest. You have to make future mates work for it. Don’t listen to anything they’re saying. Better yet, ignore them all together. Don’t converse readily, do not touch them casually and whatever you do, do not smile. Feeling unloved and ugly is the key to any heart.

– Absence of goals in life. What are goals good for? I certainly don’t want to hear that you hope to be successful one day. This is college; we’re clearly not adults yet. There’s no reason to have a plan for your future. And if you do, hide it. People with direction are totally unsexy.

– Pushiness. I love it when a man doggedly pursues me, despite any hint of interest on my part. It really plays into all those latent caveman fantasies. Who wouldn’t want to hook up with someone who can’t take a hint?

– Instant intimacy. When I first meet someone, I want to know everything about them. Had a bad case of chlamydia? Tell me about it. Horrible family situation? I’m loving it. Drug habit that has led you to kill a man in cold blood? Take me now.

Now, for what every man wants in a woman. Ladies, these three things are sure to make you the belle of the ball.

– Clinginess. Men need to feel loved, even if you’ve just met them. Throw yourself at him. Tell him all the reasons why you need him: Your dad never said “I love you;” you’re co-dependent; you’re looking for someone to latch onto and never let go. He’s sure to keep you around.

– Acting stupid. There are few things worse in this world than a smart woman. Who needs ’em? Let him do the thinking, you just sit there and look pretty.

– Be slutty. Men do not want to have anything left to the imagination. Your bra and thong should always be showing. If they’re not, you shouldn’t be wearing them. Bring a fan in your purse for emergencies, in case your nipples are not erect and in plain sight.

Listen closely men, here’s what you need to be doing so that you can get laid:

– Never, under any circumstances, share your emotions. Women expect you to be cold as ice. If you let things phase you, you might as well go have a sex-change operation. Men shouldn’t have feelings. It’s not okay for a man to cry. When I see a man crying, I spit in his face and call him a sissy.

– Be as lewd as the depths of your imagination will allow. Think of the most foul sexual fantasy that you have and share it with every woman you meet. I once met a guy at the Green Leafe Cafe who gave me an explicit description of how he would move his tongue around my lower lips. I was weak in the knees.

– Embrace your inner rudeness. Don’t compliment her. Better yet, insult her. Women want you to be in charge and push us around. Yell over nothing. Refuse to open doors. If it’s rude, it’s a natural turn-on.

And that’s it. That’s all I know. If you can’t get yourself laid with my advice, I might as well hand in my resignation as the sex columnist. These tips are fool-proof. I use them every time I go out … or I would, if I weren’t kidding.

Regardless, play on, players. And please, don’t take any of the above advice. Not unless you want to spend the rest of the semester getting intimate with your hand.

__Maya Horowitz is The Flat Hat sex columnist. She wishes you a happy — and safe — April Fool’s Day.__

_Click “here”:https://flathatnews.com/content/70489/after-david-cook-concert to watch a video interview with AMP member Will Sealy ’09 and guitarist Dan Tirer._

Saturday, both middle-aged moms and excited pre-teens swooned in the Sadler Center’s Chesapeake room to the music of David Cook, winner of “American Idol” season seven. Cook ultimately beat co-finalist David Archuleta, winning 56 percent of the 100 million votes cast.

Cook’s stop at the College of William and Mary was a part of his “Declaration Tour,” which focused on smaller, more intimate venues at East Coast colleges. AMP jumped at the opportunity and booked the singer last fall.

Roughly 800 people attended, a high percentage of which were members of the general public. According to Will Sealy ’09, a member of the Alma Mater Productions music committee and the main organizer of the event, AMP decided to limit the number of non-student tickets to fill only fifty percent capacity. Although AMP could have gained more revenue by selling more public tickets, Sealy explained that they wanted to serve students first, justifying AMP’s decision to reserve a certain number of tickets for students even though not all were sold.

Before Cook took the stage, opener Ryan Star warmed up the crowd with mainstream rock tunes, tight black pants and plenty of attitude.

Star, another alumnus of reality television, is best known for his stint on the show “Rock Star: Supernova.” His set consisted of music similar to that of Cook and flirtatious banter with audience members.

“I’d like to study here,” Star said to the students in the crowd. “What do you guys study?”

One girl responded “English” to which Star replied with a smirk, “You don’t know English? What’d you get on your SATs?”

Similar to the stage theatrics of Creed’s Scott Stapp, Star occasionally struck Messiah-like poses throughout the set.

Star’s set ranged from harder tracks, like “Brand New Day” with vocals reminiscent of Chris Cornell of Soundgarden and Audioslave, to more adult-contemporary fare with the song “Last Train Home,” which was featured on the “P.S. I Love You” soundtrack. His better numbers included “Psycho Suicidal Girls,” an angry tune about an ex-fling, and “Right Now,” which was snappy, and anthemic. He closed the night with an unexpected, grungy cover of the Katy Perry song, “Hot and Cold.”

After Star exited the stage, roadies and members of AMP worked quickly to change the music equipment, while the teenage girls and their parents trembled in excitement and the winners of AMP’s promotional T-shirt contest were announced.

The lucky designers of these homemade David Cook T-shirts were given the opportunity to meet with Cook after the show. Screams filled the air as the names were announced. The majority of the winners were not students at the College; three students who won the chance to meet Cook were Matt Schofield ’12, Caitlin Shoemaker ’12 and Michelle Bousquet ’12.

Schofield said he encouraged his friends to enter the T-shirt contest for a chance to talk to Cook and convince him to give up Carrie Underwood’s phone number. Shoemaker said they were “… on pins and needles, waiting for [their] names to be called.”

After AMP announced the winners, Shoemaker said the students were ecstatic.

“A loud eruption came from Matt in the middle of the floor where we were located,” she said. “I immediately texted my mom and sister, who both responded with excitement and a bit of envy.”

The student’s winning T-shirts were inspired by Cook’s first single “Time of my Life” and incorporated the College’s logo on the back.

After the announcement, Cook finally took the stage, opening with a cover of Collective Soul’s “The World I Know,” which he performed on the “American Idol” finale.

Throughout the show he took advantage of his heartthrob status, shamelessly flirting with his female fans.

“It’s good to see some new faces … and some old ones, too,” he said, smiling at the devoted Cook enthusiasts who had followed him on tour and had positioned themselves in the center of the front row.
Cook threw out handfuls of guitar picks to the audience, which elicited many squealing reactions.

Between songs he relayed anecdotes, such as his earlier exploration of campus. He mentioned specifically his difficulty avoiding puddles while playing a game of catch on the Sunken Gardens, then jokingly
suggested that the College should look out for an invoice for one pair of ruined shoes.
Segueing into the angrier tune, “Lie,” Cook explained how unromantic the song was while simultaneously trying to sell T-shirts.

“How many couples in the crowd tonight?” he said. “Well, you guys should hang by the merch table, ’cause this song is not for you.”

He assumed a casual, joking tone on stage. “We had an election not too long ago … Who did you guys vote for?” Cook asked. A few excited crowd members, potentially confusing the presidential election with the past season of “American Idol,” yelled that they voted for Cook. He thanked them for their vote, and then explained that he was returning to the “American Idol” tradition of audience decision-making.

“We’re going to leave it to democracy,” he said, and gave the crowd two options for his next song: “Little Lies” or “Hot for Teacher.” By round of applause, “Hot for Teacher” won by a wide margin. Cook’s drummer then immediately started in on the distinctive Van Halen drum solo.

The crowd’s enhusiasm intensified when Cook announced that he had two new singles coming out that month and that he just shot the music video for “Come Back to Me.”

“I got to do a little acting for it, which [was] nice.” Cook then delved into the narrative lyrics of a song, fitting to some bad music-video acting.

One high point during the show was the song “Bar-ba-Sol” which started out sounding like a monotonous Nickelback song, but gained a punchier melody as it continued. However, the tune “Declaration” fell flat as an attempt to serve up hackneyed inspiration.

Cook wrapped up the concert on a more somber note, announcing that he was going to take off the next couple of shows on the tour, but promised to do his best to reschedule. He sounded very regretful stating, “from [the age of] 15 to now, I have only canceled one show so far. So this will be our last song for four days …” and then led into his well-known single, “Light On.” Voices of the crowd led the last chorus of the song, ending the concert with a more intimate feel.

The excitement continued on after the show as the winners of the T-shirt contest waited anxiously for their meet-and-greet while Ryan Star mingled with fans by the merchandise table. On the first floor of the Sadler Center, two members of Ryan Star’s band, Dan Tirer and Artie Fleischmann, sold CDs to anyone they could find.

When asked how the show went, they emphatically stated, “swimmingly” and that they were excited to head out to the next show. Fleischmann then offered to share what kind of underwear he was wearing, which prompted the question from a nearby student, “Boxers or briefs?” He laughed and replied “nope,” indicating with his hands that he was not wearing any underwear.

Meanwhile, Shoemaker, Schofield and Bousquet waited eagerly after the show for their meet-and-greet with Cook. Shoemaker said that Schofield, “made a valiant effort” to get Underwood’s number, but Cook declined. However, Cook was friendly and charming to his fans.

“We chatted for a second with his band members and were amused by David’s ease and humor in posing for pictures,” Shoemaker said. “We got our photo and an autograph, which I promptly hung in my dorm room: I was so pumped to finally meet an ‘Idol’.”

For the past two years, fans of the Yeah Yeah Yeahs have had to get their musical kicks elsewhere. The indie rockers took a prolonged hiatus from the recording studios after 2006’s “Show Your Bones.” And yet, their latest release, “It’s Blitz!,” proves that some things are worth the wait. The band’s third album quenches the musical dry spell with an unexpected, but exhilarating exploration of what can only be described as electronic disco pop.

From the tip-toeing beats of the opening song, “Zero,” to the pulsing dance fantasies of “Soft Shock,” one thing’s for damn sure: This album’s got heart. Co-produced by David Sitek of TV on the Radio and Nick Launay, the brains behind the band’s 2007 “Is Is,” “It’s Blitz!” determinedly takes its cues from the vintage synths of the disco-era, sometimes leaving lead guitarist Nick Zinner with little to do but man soundboard. The band’s signature-gritty-garage sound has been similarly tossed out the window without even a cursory backwards glance. Still, by drawing inspiration from the mirror-ball era, the Yeah Yeah Yeahs created a smoother, more refined sound. Whereas 2006’s “Show Your Bones” sounds like a haphazard collection of rock-anthems, “It’s Blitz!” has evolved into a cohesive narration of 2 a.m. urban nightlife.

The album swells with an electric-current capable of causing static cling and lead singer Karen O. outdoes herself with standout track, “Skeletons.” In actuality, it’s barely half a beat away from aping the 2003 single “Maps,” but the rare fragility of Karen’s voice in the delicate — and far less annoying — chorus make the song something to cherish. Overlaid with a charged snare beat, the song quickly transcends from gentle ballad to shooting single. Though the instrumentation quickly devolves into chaos, Karen’s voice remains passive as she croons with the impassive regularity of a dripping faucet. Her cold detachment makes the track ache with repressed emotion.

From the polished-pop lyrics to the instantly-iconic album art, this album was not produced by the band of misfits responsible for 2003’s “Fever to Tell.” With “It’s Blitz!,” the Yeah Yeah Yeahs step out of the garage and into their own, now fully realized, sound.

__Jessica Barak is a transplanted Long Islander who has adopted a love for southern culture and the word “y’all.” A psychology and sociology double major, who answers that she has no time for things like pleasure reading, has given her time and talents to the campus she loves so much. Jess has been an Orientation Aide for three years, loves Kappa Delta, and can apparently lay down some “sick beats” as the primary vocal percussionist for the all-female a capella group, the Intonations. Aside from her hectic schedule, Jess also has a chill side that loves being with friends and simply hanging out.__

**Your brother was the one who founded the “That Guy/That Girl” column a number of years ago for The Flat Hat. How does it feel being the one interviewed?**
I’m really excited, actually. One of my goals for college was to be “That Girl.” Because it was my brother’s idea, he was also the first “That Guy” ever to be interviewed.

**You’re from New York. Did you find that it was an adjustment coming down here?**
It was a bit of a culture shock when I first got here, but I really like southern culture (and the fact that everyone is really nice, and things are slow and easy down here). I really like saying “y’all.” I think my friends from the north have a big problem with it and hate when I say it. I try to incorporate it into as much daily use as possible.

**What are your plans post-graduation?**
I just got a job with City Year, an AmeriCorps program, where I’m primarily going to be tutoring kids. I’ll be working in Columbia, S.C. It’s a teaching assistant position [where] you work in the schools and run afterschool programs for the kids. The primary goal for working with the elementary students is to increase literacy in those areas, and the goal for the high school programs is keeping kids in school. I just got it, like, two weeks ago, so it’s pretty exciting.

**What’s a cool job you’ve had?**
I’ve had some interesting jobs, but I’d say the most interesting was being a nanny for three kids — 11, 9 and 6 — this past summer. It was really interesting because I was the disciplinarian, but I was also supposed to take the kids out to really fun places. We got to go to Busch Gardens a couple times and to the pool a couple times a week. I was with them all the time, so I was acting as Mom, which is really weird as a 21-year-old. It was weird going to Busch Gardens and having people think these are my children, which isn’t even possible.

**Any funny antics from the summer you want to share?**
One time we lost one of their hamsters. Actually, they lost it while I was on vacation, and when I came back they told me, they couldn’t find it. I was severely disturbed because I didn’t know where we were going to find it. So the oldest boy runs downstairs going “I found my hamster, I found my hamster.” I was like, oh my God; it must be dead because it had been gone a week. He came downstairs holding it. It had crawled into his pants drawer and chewed through, like, four pairs of pants. That’s how it had survived, basically living on jeans. Delicious.

**What would be your ideal job or occupation?**
When I was younger, if I could have picked my dream job, I would have been the person who designs rides at Disney World. I really like to watch the Travel Channel, and one of the shows was all about backstage at Disney World and how they design different things. I didn’t actually want to be the engineer who designed the rides, I wanted to be the one who decorated the rides. I’m really bad at art, so that would never happen; but, if I was really good at art, that is totally what I would do.

**What kind of music do you like?**
I like a lot of soft pop or rock. My favorite band is Guster. I actually got to meet them when they came two years ago, which was, like, the highlight of my life. I had gotten to the concert ridiculously early, so I was standing in the first row screaming my head off when they asked for the four loudest fans, and they picked me out of the crowd. I got to go up on stage and actually ended up winning a portable DVD player, randomly enough.
We got to go backstage for the whole concert and pull our friends up to the stage, and we got to meet them after the show.

**Do you have a ringtone on your cell phone?**
I do. It is the song “Escape” by Rupert Holmes, better known as the “Pina Colada Song.”

**If you could be any animal, what kind would you be?**
I would either be some sort of sparrow or some kind of monkey, like a really fast swinging monkey.

**What is something people around here probably don’t know about you?**
I’m really bummed I never got to be a tour guide. I wanted to be a tour guide at William and Mary ever since I got here and I’ve never gotten a chance.

**If you were going to give advice to younger students or freshmen, what would it be?**
I’d probably say don’t sweat the small stuff. I think I didn’t really learn that until much later in college and it’s definitely a good piece of advice for life in general. Take things one day at a time.

__When I ask Jess a favorite quote of hers, she begins reciting the famous Dr. Seuss saying: “You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.” She has certainly made the most of her time here at the College and I’m sure her feet will take her in a cool direction. Jess is always on the go, whether running a 10K in Richmond this weekend with her brothers or heading even deeper into the land of sweet tea this coming fall as she serves with AmeriCorps in Columbia, S.C.__