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NCAA tourney’s bogus bubble system in need of reforms

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I’ve spent years ridiculing ESPN college basketball commentator Dick Vitale. His analysis of a game rarely develops beyond “That’s awesome, baby!” For some, his shrill shtick is reason to hit the mute button. But in the wake of his two-month absence from the broadcasting booth, I discovered that college basketball coverage is pretty monotonous without Vitale’s trademark calls, catchphrases and cheerleading.

p. What’s refreshing about Dickie V is that he doesn’t pollute the airwaves with the same subject his colleagues debate nightly. Is your favorite team “on the bubble,” hoping for a bid into the NCAA tournament? If so, chances are high that they’re being scrutinized by bracketologists. And the odds are greater that if you’re a fan of a mid-major program, the same analysts are overlooking your team’s achievements. It’s more than frustrating to watch.

p. But for Vitale, scrutiny is not his mantra. What his broadcasts lack in substance, they make up for in passion and energy. While he cheers on the sidelines, others communicate in bubble speak.
The March Madness bubble watch unofficially kicks off in early January when conference play commences. The whole ordeal is then dragged out for two and half months before the tournament’s field of 65 teams is revealed on “Selection Sunday.”

p. What’s ridiculous about the bubble watch is not simply its extended duration, but also its ability to sustain the tournament hopes of average teams in major conferences. According to ESPN’s weekly bubble watch, there are currently ten teams in the mix for an at-large tournament berth from the Big East. On paper, the schools look formidable, as each maintains an RPI rating in the top 65. But on paper, every team from a major conference is above average, including those under .500. With 31 conferences in Division I and only 34 at-large bids being awarded by the selection committee, including more than five teams from a major conference on any given bubble is a snub for successful mid-major basketball programs.

p. More at-large bids should be given to schools from mid-major conferences. The NCAA thinks otherwise. Last year, the selection committee relegated a 22-7 Appalachian State team to the NIT even though they won 12 of their final 14 games and beat U.Va., Vanderbilt and VCU in their non-conference schedule. Their only sin was being a member of the Southern Conference, a perennial one-bid league, which sent Davidson to the tourney, even though the Mountaineers beat them in the regular season. Then, the committee ingeniously decided that a mediocre 18-12 Stanford team, which finished sixth in the Pac-10 and lost seven of their final 11 games, merited a spot in the tourney.

p. Part of the mess could be alleviated if ESPN Bracketbusters decided to pair mid-major bubble teams with major conference bubble teams instead of the current format. Despite improving tournament resumes for some, Bracketbusters does little to help small conference schools in the hunt for an at-large bid. Case in point was last year’s Drexel team, which desperately needed a huge RPI ratings boost after losing on the road to the College in mid-February. They beat Creighton in their Bracketbusters match-up, but likely needed a signature win over a major conference team to secure a tourney bid.

p. While Vitale’s man crushes on big programs like Duke have been well documented, he’s also an avid supporter of mid-majors. Last year, he campaigned for Old Dominion and Drexel to get at-large bids. Even though he doesn’t have a solution for the bubble mess, his love for the underdog is a welcome respite in a sport that heavily favors Goliaths.

p. __E-mail Carl Siegmund at crsieg@wm.edu.__

Students act on love for Nichol

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In response to Gene Nichol’s resignation, students take action in support of their beloved president

p. During the 1960s and 1970s, students on college campuses across the country voiced their opinions concerning the Vietnam War in what was to become known as one of the most turbulent periods of protest at such institutions. Although not nearly as controversial or widespread as dissent over Vietnam, the College has experienced varying degrees of unrest in the days following the Board of Visitors’ decision not to renew President Gene Nichol’s contract and his subsequent resignation Tuesday morning.

p. The events began with a rally in the Sunken Garden Tuesday afternoon and a candlelit vigil in front of the president’s house that night and continued through various teach-ins and strikes organized by faculty members and students.

p. “[The student body’s reaction has been] extremely fiery,” Alex Spindel ’11 said. “It has been very motivated and extremely energetic. But I think the BOV has made up its mind, and nothing that happens now is going to change that.”

p. Despite some students’ views that the student activism will not affect the BOV, others remain persistent and continue with petitions and rallies. At a town hall meeting held in the University Center Commonwealth Auditorium Wednesday afternoon, students, staff and faculty members drafted a list of demands from the BOV requiring a more adequate explanation for not renewing Nichol’s contract.

p. “It is my hope that the movements will show the Board of Visitors that any decision they make will need to be account[ed] for, and they can’t assume we will take it without a deeper understanding of why they made that decision,” Mallory Johnson ’10 said. “I hope it will lead to a deeper connection with the administration and the student body as a whole.”

p. Johnson was one of the speakers at the candlelit vigil held outside of Nichol’s house at 10 p.m. Tuesday. After the speeches, one of which was given by Nichol himself, roughly 1,500 students in attendance sang the Alma Mater and cheered for Nichol.
“Never in my wildest dreams had I imagined Tuesday night to be such an amazing turnout,” Johnson said. “It was truly emotional and really showed the true Tribe spirit. At that moment, when I looked out at the people there and saw the emotion, I have never been more proud to be a member of this college.”

p. Various other supporters from the vigil stayed afterward to leave letters and presents on the president’s doorstep.

p. Also among Nichol’s supporters at the vigil was Trevor Albert ’08, who went to the event to support Nichol and observe other students’ reactions. He ended up spending the night in front of Nichol’s house.

p. “I camped out in front of his house, not to protest or demand change, but just to show my support for president Nichol and his family,” Albert said. “I didn’t do it for a particular organization, and I wasn’t asked by anyone to do it. It’s a trying time for him and his family and I just wanted to support them.”

p. A common cry among many of those who have attended the rallies and sit-ins is a unified support of Nichol amongst students and faculty. Although some strongly advocate change in the BOV’s policy, others don’t see it as being radically effective.

p. “I see the different protests as a way to grieve,” Ashley Shuler ’08 said. “Not really sure what it has done or will do, but I do know this campus can be strengthened.”

p. Shuler and two other members of the NAACP campus chapter, Jeanette Snider ’09 and Justin Reid ’09, are behind the “If Nichol isn’t welcome here … Neither am I” T-shirts. Shuler said they have sold almost 300 shirts for $6 each, a price that only covers the production costs.

p. “We wanted to get the message to President Nichol that we love him and are here for him and are behind him,” Shuler said. “We wanted to make it an all-inclusive environment with a united front. We were really hoping for a domino effect, where a diverse group of people come together and can reach out to other students.”
Reid has also been part of a collaboration to start a website, TribeUnited.com.

p. “I hope these recent events will bring renewed interest among all alumni in the affairs of the College,” Reid said. “Now is not the time to become disengaged. Seniors should not be withdrawing their gifts, nor should alumni be saying they’ll no longer donate to the College.”

p. Albert echoed this sentiment by stressing that pulling support from the College, in every form, would only prove detrimental to the community and would also go against what Nichol would have wanted for the College.

p. While the outpouring of support — evident in the number of people attending events, the emergence of various Facebook groups and events and blogs dedicated to discussing the issue — is an inspiration to people hoping for change, many on campus still question whether the student activism will really have an effect.

p. “It was the prerogative of the Board of Visitors to make the decision,” Austin Raynor ’11 said. “The board operates independently of students and is privy to more information and ultimately looks at what the College needs in the long run, not just at the moment. If the students had wanted to affect the decision, their energy would have been better used preventatively, rather than just as a response.”

p. Yet, whether it will entail great change or not, others at the College recognize the student activism as a signal to the outside world as to the true meaning of Tribe Pride and the close-knit community within, according to Johnson. She added that the movement during the last few days has been a positive way to catalyze change and get students’ voices heard.

p. “Instead of lashing out or anything negative, we need to stay strong,” Albert said. “We need to live up to what President Nichol said about making William and Mary the single most engaged university in the nation.”

DoubleTake hosts a capella competition

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Tomorrow night, co-ed a cappella group DoubleTake will host the quarterfinals of the International Championship of Collegiate A Cappella.

p. The competition will be held at 7 p.m. in the UC Commonwealth Auditorium. Tickets are $5.

p. The ICCA is an event that seeks out the best of the country’s a cappella groups in a series of regional competitions.

p. Tomorrow’s competition is one of three quarterfinals in the Southern region. It will feature performances by seven groups, including University of Maryland’s Faux Paz, Virginia Tech’s Soulstice and Naturally Sharp, James Madison University’s Note-oriety, Elon University’s Sweet Signatures, Catholic University’s Redline and DoubleTake.

p. According to DoubleTake Director Brittany Bonney ’08, each group will have 12 minutes to perform, which usually allows for three to four songs. After each group has performed, judges will determine which two teams will move on to the semifinals March 9 at Wake Forest University. Judges will also hand out individual awards for the best soloist, best choreography, best arrangement and best vocal percussion.

p. Students in attendance tomorrow can look forward to a rendition of Justin Timberlake’s “What Goes Around Comes Around” by Michael Smith ’08 and Caroline Jackson ’09, “Brother Can You Spare a Dime” by Victoria Ryan ’08 and “Bridge Over Troubled Water” by Ryan Miller ’09. Another campus a cappella group, Reveille, will provide entertainment during the judges’ deliberations.

Putter up

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__Kappa Delta hosts the largest philanthropy event on campus__

p. Unsuspecting tourists strolling through the Sunken Garden tomorrow run the risk of being knocked unconscious by airborne tennis balls.

p. Tomorrow, the sisters of Kappa Delta will host their annual Campus Golf tournament in which golf balls are replaced with bright yellow tennis balls and big white buckets are used for holes.

p. Teams consist of four players — students, faculty or family — who are encouraged to play in costume. The costume contest is one of the main events that lures participants to the green — or brick. Prizes are awarded to winning teams. Attire ranges from the creative to the extreme.

p. “There was one team that dressed up as ‘The Walk of Shame,’” KD sister Megan Luckey ’08 said. “These girls had eyeliner all over their face and had ‘going-out’ tops with boy’s basketball shorts on. It looked like they walked straight over from a night at the frats,” Lauren Katkish ’08 said.

p. Every sister has her share of memorable moments from the past years. “My favorite was a Super Mario team that dressed up like all of the characters from the video game,” Katkish said. “They carried around a boom box that played the opening song, too.”

p. The tournament is not only about fun and games; it’s about raising money for a worthy cause. In 2006, KD accrued over $12,000 for Avalon, a local shelter for women in abusive relationships. This amount increased in 2007. This year the sorority hopes to raise at least $10,000 for Avalon and Prevent Child Abuse America.

p. “Most people think that sororities are only about friends and hanging out,” said Sarah Bennett ’08, who formerly served as the sorority’s president. “Philanthropies show that we care about giving back to our community. You can really see that by the amount of money our philanthropies raise.”

p. Tee times start at 9 a.m. and continue though out the day.

That Girl: Jess Lamont

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Jess Lamont is likely to be the only student on this campus who can read and write fluently in Sanskrit. Her passion is in the classics and has spent her years at the College educating herself about the subject. Jess serves as a research assistant, and as president of the anthropology club and has traveled extensively to acquire hands-on experience in the field — ranging from botany work with her father in Iceland to working on excavation sites in Greece, to leading museum tours in London. She is a member of Phi Beta Kappa and is currently working on her honors thesis about the idiosyncrasies of the Asklepios, a medicinal-healing cult in Athens. But Jess is more than just ancient letters and historic ruins. Despite her focus on the past, Jess exalts an unparalleled enthusiasm and excitement for the present that her friends describe as infectious and uplifting.

p. **Can you tell me a little bit about where you are from?**

p. I’m from the east end of Long Island, N.Y. I live right on the Long Island Sound, and it’s pretty rural out there still. My family is wonderful. Wonderfully eccentric, too. My dad is a botanist and my mom’s a park ranger. Unusual, you know? I have a little brother who’s graduating from high school this year, and a black lab pup named Stinky. I love and miss them all so much; to say they mean the world to me would be an understatement.

p. **What’s your favorite game to play in long car rides?**

p. The famous person game. It’s like 20 Questions, except you choose a historical figure or a musician or celebrity, and the other people have to guess who it is. Everyone learns a little something and it’s entertaining. My friend — who plays it avidly with his family — taught it to me in Spain. I’d love to tell you his name, but he’d probably be really embarrassed and question our friendship.

p. **Do you get pretty competitive with that?**

p. I’m always really competitive. Whenever we’re playing a game or there’s some sort of contest, I get really into it. Really, really into it. Like at random people camping trip this year, I got so aggressive when we were playing this manhunt, scavenger hunt type game I almost killed the people on the other team. During Orientation this year I played a game of ultimate frisbee with my hall, and I really frightened them because I was shouting at them and heckling the other team and stuff. They just didn’t see it coming.

p. **What spurred your interest in classical studies?**

p. I took Latin for six years throughout high school and middle school. Then, upon coming into college, I took a lot of really interesting classes in the department, and it just stuck with me I guess. Even though it’s not always relevant to every day life, it’s been great. I worked on an excavation in Greece two summers ago, and hopefully will end up going to grad school for some type of ancient history tract. And though my friends, tease about the relevance of Ancient Greek and Latin, it’s something I really enjoy.

p. **Have you done any other traveling for your studies?**

p. I studied abroad last year in England, and it was one of the best experiences of my life — something I’d recommend to everyone here at William and Mary for sure. I interned at this amazing museum, and got to give tours through aisles of Egyptian mummies and Greek statues. I also rowed crew there, which involved waking up at dreadful hours of the morning (the W&M rowing team amazes me still) and also meeting the best, craziest British people ever. I studied Sanskrit and ancient history, and afterwards, backpacked Europe for two and a half months.
So tell me, what kind of books does an anthropologist like to read?
I read “Guns, Germs, and Steel” over break by Jared Diamond. It was good. But I’d really recommend reading “Watership Down” (it’s about rabbits) and “Crime and Punishment.” Those are my two all-time favorites.

p. **How did you become interested in the anthropology club?**

p. Wow, you’re really grilling me here. I’ve worked in the anthropology department since freshman year. It’s really become a second home to me. For instance, I was working there on Thursday, when President Nichol sent out his resignation e-mail. I immediately started crying, and was able to cry and talk about it with two wonderful professors — who at this point feel more like family — and they helped me through the morning. I really love and respect the entire department.

p. So anyway, I got involved in anthropology club because I’m a major and really find the subject fascinating. It’s a fun club, really, We have culture nights where we get together with student groups like CSO and NASA and make ethnic dishes and invite a speaker who specializes in that culture or region to have dinner with us and then lecture. We’ve gone on digs, gone to pow-wows and invited lots of speakers to present. Yes, my friends incessantly tease me about it. Yes, I should consider getting new friends.

p. **It seems like your friends can’t embarrass you that easily. What does embarrass you?**

p. You know, as of late I’ve woken up on Saturday mornings realizing that the night before was filled with embarrassing moments and awkward situations. But, I guess a more definitive story comes to mind from the very beginning of the semester. I had all four wisdom teeth out three days before returning to school. I’m pretty sure I have a big head to start with, but I was so swollen that it was ginormous. I mean, really, really big. Cheeks-swollen-below-my-chin big. Plus I couldn’t talk well at all and couldn’t eat anything that wasn’t liquid, so I was pretty grumpy. Not the best way to start off your last semester.

p. **What has been the most difficult thing you have had to deal with during your time at the College?**

p. The past two days. Hearing about the BOV’s decision, and President Nichol’s fate. I love and respect him and all he stands for so much that it’s just been really tough. I’m not even yet sure how to best articulate how upsetting this all is.

Make every day Valentine’s Day

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The Valentine’s Day column. Man, that’s a tall order for a new columnist. Emily Powell has decided to keep the rest of what’s behind her closed doors out of the public eye, and here I am standing naked before the student body, ready to be judged on my sexpertise. While I doubt the thought of a new sex columnist really gets you hot and bothered, yesterday’s heart-shaped holiday might. What is the significance of Valentine’s Day anyway? It seems everyone has an opinion, but most points of view fall into a few categories.

p. First there are the non-conforming, dissident, anti-consumerists. They believe that Valentine’s Day is nothing more than a corporate plot to motivate the hapless to spend money. There’s probably some truth to this opinion since the U.S. Greeting Card Association (Seriously? They have an association?) estimates that approximately one billion Valentine’s Day cards are sent each year worldwide.

p. Then there are the sex-crazed and the sex-deprived. To them, Valentine’s Day is a chance to justify their carnal lust without feeling self-conscious about their obvious intentions. The 14th is like a get-out-of-jail-free pass to wear their horniness on their sleeve.

p. Next come those that would say that Valentine’s Day is only for women. It’s a chance for them to get all dressed up and hope someone will spend money on them. (For those of you who hold this opinion, I refer you to the newly created “Steak and Blowjob Day” on March 14.) But as with the dissident’s outlook, this attitude carries some weight. It is estimated that women purchase 85 percent of all Valentine’s cards, which suggests that women do value the holiday more than men.

p. Of course there is the group that actually enjoys the holiday. These people love the togetherness, the heart-shaped everything and the chance to wear red clothing. Valentine’s Day is something they look forward to. However, something tells me the population of this group is waning.

p. And finally, there are those who cringe at the thought of V-Day. It’s a day for self-pity because they don’t have someone to share it with. Maybe they’ll curl up on the couch with some low-fat, low-carb, non-dairy, vitamin D-enhanced ice cream and watch “When Harry Met Sally.”

p. No matter which category you fall into (or if you are none of the above), it’s pretty incredible how many emotions this day can stir up. I mean, we are talking about a holiday whose name is derived from a group of Catholic martyrs whom we know little to nothing about. The day only came to be associated with love when Chaucer (he of “Canterbury Tales” fame) linked the two. There’s nothing inherently lovely about the 14th day of the second month of each year. It seems a little silly or at least misguided to attach so much importance to it. Why worry about this day? Why do our feelings have to be tied up in it? Can’t we just enjoy the gratuitous amounts of candy and cross our fingers for a little something extra at the end of the night?

p. Of course not. As with most things hoisted upon us by American culture, it’s hard to separate our identities from these practices. Even those who reject the holiday still define themselves by doing so.

p. I propose that we free ourselves from the pink, fuzzy handcuffs of Valentine’s Day. If you want to partake in passionate lovemaking with your significant other or just sweaty, awkward sex with a stranger, don’t wait until the 14th to do it. Get in touch with your sexual side without having to be prompted by the diamond industry. Dare yourself to buy flowers on another day of the year, send unexpected cards telling people that you love them and gorge yourself on chocolates and watch sappy movies on any day of the year.

p. The truth is, Valentine’s Day only has the significance that we attach to it. The next time you pass the UC with its heart-festooned tables, ask yourself if there isn’t a little bit of room for love every day of the year.

p. __Maya Horowitz is the new sex columnist. She is a card-sending member of the U.S. Greeting Card Association.__

Hollywood Gossip (Feb. 15)

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**A ‘Jefferson’ wedding**
Who says age matters? Gary Coleman, 40, let it slip this week that he’s been secretly married to 22-year-old Shannon Price for months. The couple wed in a small ceremony in August, accompanied by just a minister … and a preacher. Oh right, and a photographer, videographer and the all-important helicopter pilot. Sure sounds like a private affair. We wish the former child star the best in his romance — and hope his parents don’t step in and steal his wife, too.

p. **Under his umbrella, ella, ella**
Jay-Z’s got 99 problems and, this time, a bitch is one. There are always people talking, and this time they claim Jay wants the best of both worlds — money, crack and two hoes: current girlfriend Beyonce and heartbreaker Rihanna. The two shared an awkward moment when she tried to hold his hand at the Grammys, right in front of Beyonce. The big pimpin’ rapper maintains that he’s crazy in love with his current girl and there ain’t no other one.

p. **Lost in translation**
Scarlett Johansson’s beau, Ryan Reynolds, who was previously engaged to Alanis Morissette, plans to propose. According to her, he got the wrong scoop: Though the couple is more than just friends, right now marriage is no more than a maybe for the starlet, who has expressed that she doesn’t believe in monogamy. Could be that she’s just not that into him, but we’ve heard she’d go down on him in a theater.

p. **A farmer’s life for Lenny?**
Always on the run from the paparazzi, Lenny Kravitz nearly dropped it all for a life of simplicity. After spending four months living on a farm in Brazil, he considered making it his permanent home. With seldom a moment to breathe in his high-paced, Grammy-winning American life, the opportunity to fly away held much allure. Still, he ultimately chose the life of a million-dollar-a-gig rock star.

Kimball Theatre: When the Movies Come to Town!

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**Friday, February 15**

John Wayne in Williamsburg
2:30 p.m. — 3:00 p.m. Presentations on John Wayne’s film career, local popularity and visits to town.
3:00 p.m. “The Shootist” — 1976 (Paramount Pictures)

King Kong Takes Merchant’s Square!
5:00 p.m. — 6:30 p.m. Reception followed by welcoming remarks by Arthur Knight, director of film studies, College of William and Mary.

p. 6:30 p.m. “King Kong” — 1933 (RKO Radio Pictures, Inc.)

Forget the Movie! Start the Show!
10:30 p.m. “The Rocky Horror Picture Show” — 1975 (20th Century Fox)

**Saturday, February 16**

Kids at the Movies and in the Movies
10:30 — 11:30 a.m. Short films from the Little Rascals, Looney Tunes, Three Stooges and excerpts from Shirley Temple, Charlie Chaplin and Buster Keaton films.

p. 11:30 a.m.–12:30 p.m. Reflections on Shirley Temple and American Kids’ Culture by Professor John Kasson, University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill, author of “The Little Girl Who Fought the Great Depression.”

Race Relations in and at the Movies
2:30 — 3:30 p.m. Presentations on black movie-going in Williamsburg led by Professor Arthur Knight, College of William and Mary, author of “Disintegrating the Musical: Black Performance and American Musical Film.”
3:30 p.m. “In the Heat of the Night” — 1967 (MGM)

**Sunday, February 17**

Immigrants, Gangsters and Art Film
1:30 p.m. “Godfather” — 1972 (Paramount Pictures)
7:00 p.m. “Blowup” — 1966 (MGM) (On William and Mary campus)

Alma Mater’s meaning feels lost amid Nichol controversy

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Tuesday night, in front of the president’s house, I watched my fellow students and the numerous faculty lift their candles to honor our president, Gene Nichol. They responded to the heartwarming speeches made by two students, one staff member and the president himself with shouts and thunderous claps of praise.
But above all, they honored Nichol with song.

p. The alma mater is something that I never thought twice about singing; it was sung without thought, but with meaning. I have sung it numerous times on this campus — at opening Convocation freshman year when I was first welcomed on this campus, for women’s chorus, the Yule log ceremony and at many other campus events.

p. Most people sing the alma mater so they can shout in staccato “William and Mary” with Tribe pride. Some sing four octaves higher, knowing they’re reaching Mariah Carey status with dangerously high pitches.

p. But on that Tuesday night, when I, along with countless others, found myself filled with rage, discontent and disbelief, I questioned what I was truly doing. What was I really singing? What is the history and meaning behind my alma mater and how am I connected to it, to sing it as my own?

p. The name “alma mater” comes from a Latin term meaning “nourishing mother.” It is referred to and often used as a school’s anthem. The lyrics to the College’s alma mater were written by alumnus James Southall Wilson, who graduated in 1904. The tune is a common song used by other universities, beginning with Cornell University. The College borrows the tune, but our alma mater’s lyrics are our own, made for this community.

p. Regardless of duplication or memorization — let’s be honest, not everyone knows that second verse — the lyrics are meant to illustrate the love and hope of the college that we attend — its history (both negative and positive), its impact and, most importantly, its strength.

p. When singing the alma mater, I wanted to be filled with a sense of pride and honor for the school that I represent, but the music failed me. It failed our president, my professors and my fellow students.

p. The music is ringing loudly, but it is not true or clear. It sounds muffled and pained, as the voices of hypocrisy and ignorance seep their way into a once bright and promising song. The praise of our college is soiled and tarnished with an unrecognizable tune. It is missing the expression of warmth and integrity that our president solidifies.

p. I feel as though the song that I sing is not mine, not yet; not when injustice prevails and we are bound. Not when music serves as a communicator, but is not heard. Hopefully, our alma mater will be restored with the “love that cannot die,” and when others and myself feel as though we are part of a place that embodies virtue and integrity, we will proudly and passionately cry out the chorus of our alma mater: “William and Mary loved of old / Hark upon the gale / Hear the thunder of our chorus / Alma Mater hail.”

p. __Genice Phillips is a junior at the College. She hopes every student considers the words and meaning of the College’s Alma Mater.__

Simple Plan missteps in move away from pop-punk

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Simple Plan’s new, self-titled album is a pastiche of every pop-rock cliche from recent years. The Canadian pop-rock band employs producers Dave Fortman (Evanesence) and Max Martin (Kelly Clarkson, Avril Lavigne) to make them sound like an amalgamation of every radio single currently in line for the next “Now That’s What I Call Music!” series.

p. For a band who poses for promo shots with lip rings, black T-shirts and angular haircuts, its decision to employ Nate “Danja” Hills — the producer of “Promiscuous” and “SexyBack” — equates to Carrie Underwood calling up Mastodon to produce her new Wal-Mart single.

p. The album’s first single, “When I’m Gone,” begins with synth tinkering and a hip-hop beat. Despite simplistic, staccato guitar playing and layered “Whoa-ohs,” lead singer Pierre Bouvier sings the smartest lyric of his career: “It’s like we’re goin’ through the motions / Of a scripted destiny.”

p. It is Bouvier’s scripted destiny, then, to Auto-Tune the crap out of his vocals — this transforms his already nasally whine into the voice of a Canadian robot that speaks only in profoundly inane couplets such as, “If these walls could talk / They would have so much to say” (“No Love”).

p. There are three slow ballads that showcase rhymes like “beating” and “bleeding” and “right” and “face” (which, of course, don’t even rhyme). On “Your Love Is a Lie,” the boy-band synthesizer hand-clap resurfaces after years of hiding. Drummer Chuck Comeau includes some inexplicable double bass drum kicks before lead guitarist Jeff Stinco (his real name) cooks up a generic solo.

p. The verses are reminiscent of Oasis’s “Wonderwall,” but Bouvier tries to be edgier when he sings, “And do you think about me when he fucks you?” This line is great, especially since it was written 14 years ago by Alanis Morissette in “You Oughta Know.” The band even pays cute homage to U2 in “Holding On” with echoing guitars and Bono Lite vocals.

p. “Generation,” however, takes the cheesecake. Clearly produced by Danja, it opens with synth trumpets a la the Ying Yang Twins before Bouvier demands that we “Listen.” If one does just that, he finds blue-eyed crunk music blending rap and rock just like the famous ’90s band, Korn Bizkit. Simple Plan is even bold enough to snag two of the most famous rock lyrics in history. Bouvier sings, “It’s just my generation” before guitarist Sebastien Lefebvre and bassist David Desrosiers chime in with “Hey ho / Let’s go!”
If Joey Ramone doesn’t roll over in his six-foot eight-inch grave, I’m going to assume that the lyric actually reads “eh oh” because they’re from Canada.

p. All Simple Plan bashing aside, the album is not entirely the band’s fault. The producers mixed the guitars and drums too loudly. Bouvier has to strain his voice to be heard, hence the Auto-Tune. The producers seem to be the wrong fit for the band. Rave-ups like “Take My Hand” and “What If” would sound better on Avril Lavigne’s next album. The more positive note is that the musicianship is executed efficiently, despite being simplistic and rarely boasting more than three chord progressions.

p. Sadly, efficiency does not earn stars. Simple Plan aims for radio gold on this, their third full-length album. However, the band misses the mark. Next time, rather than taking a step in the hip-hop direction, Simple Plan should find comfort in pop-punk, an altogether more welcoming genre that forgives trite lyrics.